During his interview with ABC News' Andrea Canning, Charlie Sheen submitted to a urine test and a comprehensive blood test. The urine test showed no anomalies, but the blood work revealed the presence of some tiger DNA.
According to the examination, 22% of Sheen's DNA comes from the Felidae family, most likely from Panthera tigris, more commonly known as tiger. The results also indicated a copious amount of cocaine in the actor's system.
"I thought he was being metaphorical," said Andrea Canning. "We thought it was his creative way of describing his virility and intensity. It kind of makes you wonder if all the other things he's been saying have also been literal."
Martin Sheen, screen actor and father to Charlie Sheen, said that he has never had sex with a tiger, not even during his Apocalypse Now days.
"I don't know where he got it," said Martin Sheen. "I'm not a tiger. Neither is Janet."
Behavioral scientists say that the big cat composition may account for Sheen's erratic and aggressive behavior.
"That's what tigers do," said University of Copenhagen neuroscientist Milena Penkowa. "They go around kicking ass. They also have really scary eyes."
In light of Sheen's genetic makeup, an FBI task force has been assembled to investigate other claims by Sheen, including his Martian heritage and the existence of trolls.
Originally featured in The Daily Pygmy