New York, NY -- Forensics experts have unearthed new evidence which could prove that the Cookie Monster has never eaten a single cookie in his 45-year career. If the information is verified, the Sesame Street character known for his gastronomical tunnel vision may face charges of fraud.
While investigating racketeering at Kaufman Astoria Studios, detectives found security footage that might indicate that the Cookie Monster is not a bipedal blue creature of dubious taxonomy but rather a puppet with no internal organs. This new evidence suggests that Cookie Monster is wholly synthetic, lacking teeth, a gullet and a digestive tract, which would make it impossible for him to consume cookies or any kind of organic matter.
"We were reviewing security tape for something else altogether when we noticed something odd," said Detective Matt Browning, chief investigator. "We slowed down the tape and noticed that the cookies the Cookie Monster was shoving into his mouth never actually went down his throat. He thrusts the cookies into his mouth quickly and forcefully so as to create the appearance of sloppily consuming them, when in fact he is simply crushing them in his sewn mouth so that they fall to the ground."
Following the discovery, the Cookie Monster was ordered to submit to DNA testing and other physiological analysis.
"Preliminary testing indicates that you basically stick your hand up his butt and talk as if you were the Cookie Monster," said Samantha Liu, M.D., Division Director of Human Genetics at NYU Langone Medical Center.
Some medical professionals believe that the Cookie Monster might have an eating disorder that would account for the unusual behavior, potentially exculpating the puppet of any willful deception.
"It seems likely that the Cookie Monster has a binge-eating disorder," said Dr. Elizabeth Kalinikos, director of Nutrition and Weight Management at Boston Medical Center. "He may not even know that he is not capable of digesting cookies. His compulsion speaks to deep-seated psychological issues having nothing to do with food, such as anxiety and depression. Unless he addresses these underlying problems, he will never satiate his appetite."
When asked to comment, the Cookie Monster said, "Me want cookie! Om nom nom nom!"
Originally featured in the Daily Pygmy.