When the Dallas Mavericks upset the Miami Heat in Miami on Sunday, millions of Lebron-haters around the world experienced the greatest exhilaration of their lives. Today, however, those same haters are plumbing the depths of depression.
According to Dr. Lara Mason, one of the foremost experts of postpartum depression, Lebron-haters are exhibiting many of the same symptoms that mothers, and some fathers, exhibit following childbirth.
"There are some striking similarities between postpartum depression and Lebron-hating," said Dr. Mason. "Firstly, Lebron-hating lasts for an NBA season, which, at seven months, is roughly equivalent to the human gestation period. Secondly, Lebron-haters carry that hatred everywhere they go; they cultivate it like a child; and then they send it off into the world when Lebron fails."
Jim Paczkowski, a 44-year-old restaurateur, who, like many people, began hating Lebron after The Decision -- a televised program in which Lebron announced his intentions to join Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade in Miami. Following Lebron's lackluster performance in the NBA Finals, Mr. Paczkowski has been unsure of how to proceed with his life.
"You just live with it for so long," said an emotional Paczkowski. "You get used to it and you even learn to love it."
Other Lebron-haters remain hopeful.
"Sure, it's harder to hate right now that he's been defeated, but there will be other opportunities next season," said Brianna Gray, a 23-year-old Lebron-hater from Phoenix. "Who knows what self-important antics Lebron will get up to?"
The United Religions Organization announced today that the number of Lebron-haters, now at 2.3 billion, surpassed the number of Christians, which makes Lebron-hating the number one religion in the world.
Originally featured in the Daily Pygmy.
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