03/24/2011 11:32 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Study Shows Stuff Happening Somewhere Else Right Now

A joint study conducted by the Journal of Cosmology and a global census task force shows that other stuff takes place in other places all the time. In fact, there is something else taking place somewhere else this very moment.

"It's true," said British Prime Minister David Cameron, who served as head of the most ambitious task force in human history. "Whenever you are doing something, wherever you are, there is always stuff taking place elsewhere."

The groundbreaking study upends the long-held belief that existence is limited to stuff right here, right now. Ninety-nine percent of the world's population operates under the assumption that here and now is the only thing taking place.

"It's not just that stuff is happening in another place," said Rudolf Schild, Ph.D, editor-in-chief of the Journal of Cosmology. "It's that there is an almost infinite amount of stuff occurring in numerous other locations."

The study also revealed that if one were to leave the present location, "here," to investigate other stuff taking place somewhere else, other stuff would then take place in the location previously considered here.

"Apart from confirming the existence of other stuff and other places, these findings show that one can never be somewhere else," said Lynette Rubenstein, professor of existential philosophy at Amherst College. "The moment you go there, there becomes here, thereby creating a new there."

Charlie Sheen is the only person to have managed being neither here nor there.

Originally featured in the Daily Pygmy.