This Week, Let's Recognize the Women Who Are On Their Own

This week (September 20-26) is Unmarried and Single Americans Week, which recognizes the vast growth in the population of 100 million Americans who are not married. Roughly 51 million of them are women. New data from the Census out this week show that more women than ever are unmarried. In fact, today, nearly half of all adult women are unmarried.

Most unmarried women do not lead the glitzy, glamorous lives like those portrayed on Sex in the City. Instead, think about Edie Falco in Nurse Jackie or, if you have a longer memory, Brett Butler in Grace Under Fire. Too many unmarried women are struggling to support themselves in the worst economy in a quarter century - and about 10 million are single moms with young children at home. For all that has been reported - rightly - about how working men are suffering in this recession, "women on their own" have been hit harder than anyone.

Last month, the unemployment rate for unmarried women was 11.9 percent, compared to 9.7 percent for the entire workforce. The problem isn't only high unemployment - it's low pay. Women are still paid only 77 cents for every dollar that men receive, and women on their own earn only 57 cents for every dollar in married men's paychecks.

Unmarried women are much less likely than married people to have health insurance, to be homeowners, to have a union card, or even to own cars so they can drive to work. Of all American adults who live in poverty, unmarried women count for almost half. Last year, 21 out of every 1,000 single mothers filed for bankruptcy.

The old assumptions about how women advance through life no longer apply. It used to be women married young, were supported by their husbands, raised children, and retired on their husbands' pensions. Several decades ago, married women entered the workplace in large numbers, contributing to family income, having their own careers, balancing work and family.

Today, while the vast majority of young women are expected to marry at some point, the truth is, much of their lives will be spent on their own. Marriage is transitory: people may enter or leave it, almost at any time. Many women now spend their first decade or more out of school (high school or college) as a single woman. Women who do marry do not have the luxury of assuming that they are set for life. If a woman's marriage ends for any reason, she will need to be prepared to support herself and any children she has.

The phenomenally rapid changes in marriage and in societal expectations mean we as a society must change our way of thinking about how women can succeed on their own. Are women expected and encouraged to take some of the lowest-paying jobs available - maids, retail salespeople, waitresses? In fact, these are some of the top jobs for women in the current economy. Do training programs for construction workers, carpenters, and other skilled laborers, reach out to or even accept young women? Unfortunately, they often do not. Are women encouraged to study math, science, or computer technology so they can be ready to enter the knowledge economy? While there are positive developments on this front, too often, the answer is "No."

And what about our politics? Are women encouraged to vote? Are politicians responsive to the needs of unmarried women? Research shows that unmarried women often feel marginalized and politically powerless because they believe the government does not pay attention to them. Perhaps that is why unmarried women are less likely to register and vote than their married counterparts. In 2004, fifteen million unmarried women were not registered to vote and nearly 20 million unmarried women did not cast ballots on Election Day.

However, we're seeing signs of hope. In the 2008 presidential election, over 2.6 million more unmarried women voted than just four years ago and about 7 million more since 2000. Indeed, unmarried women came closer to voting in proportion to their presence in the population -casting 23.2 percent of all votes. And when unmarried women vote, they are more likely than married women to support progressive causes like reforming health care, protecting the environment, creating Green Jobs, investing in education, raising the minimum wage, and restoring the right to organize unions.

So, this week, let's recognize that America can and must do a better job to ensure that everyone - especially the woman on her own, who faces so many challenges in life and at work - has the opportunity to live a good, dignified, comfortable life. We must end gender segregation in jobs, we must ensure women can make a living wage, and we must ensure that working women can take care of their families. And while it may sound cliche, unmarried women can help make that happen by registering and getting out to vote.

Comments

[textynn]

One of the sadist things is when woman try to break out of poverty with education. Professional jobs dominated by women such as teaching are culturally undervalued. Teachers have to have 5 years of college just to get started and then they are expected to get masters within a few years of starting work, if not before. Still they make less than $25K a year to start and for decades after that. I was bringing home $1,700 a month teaching in LA county. I couldn't rent for less than $1000 and I was literally having a really hard time making it, living with no money for anything but bare bone basics, and running up debt. When my car broke down I started losing my financial grip. I quit that job and moved to the country in WA state and lived about the same without the 10 hour days working a low paying job. At which time my teaching certificate quickly expired without the mandatory continued education required every couple of years to keep it current. I figured if I was going to live in poverty I wasn't going to work 70 hour weeks with huge amounts of responsibility and expensive educational upkeep that didn't advance me.

[h0tr0d]

So why did you go in to teaching if you knew you wouldnt be able to pay your bills ?

[textynn]

I didn't know. I just assumed that a professional job would extend a professional wage. I was wrong. I knew it wasn't a super high paying job but I had no idea I could make the same money waiting tables without the student loans to boot. Teaching is a great job if you have a husband with good pay and if you don't mind working many hours at home every evening. It has health care etc. For a head of household income it's a waste of your educational dollar. Call me cynical but that's how I feel.

In the old days it was mandatory that teachers were single. I can only assume that belief arose from the enormous amount of hours it entails because when I was married my husband was always furious at the amount of time I spent working at home. Since then I've been divorced and I have taught to make a living. Unfortunately, I have lived below the poverty level with my two children the whole time.

One thing about teaching is it is a good foundation for other types of training and I believe teachers make good supervisors if they can get the work. However, I have told my children that I forbid them to go into education. They can do it if they want but I won't help them finance it.

[crespin79]

Let's hope that women are given a fair chance to advance to top leadership positions in the corporate world, where many leaders do not practise what they preach, in terms of ethics.

Maxwell Pinto,
Business Author: leadership, ethics, teamwork, women in the workforce, trade unions, etc.
http://www.strategicbookpublishing.com/Management-TidbitsForTheNewMillenium.html

[h0tr0d]

It's been shown in study after study...women that make the same commitment as men to their career DO have a fair chance to advance and DO make the same money as male peers. The problem comes when women want more flex time and more time off...but still expect to be treated the same.

[hasheville]

Sometimes its sad to read the posts here. So much knee jerk defensiveness, black and white thinking, rage instead of reason and thoughtfulness, not to mention compassion. This article speaks a truth that needs to be told....period.

[UnhyphenatedAmerican]

I have felt for decades affirmative action should support single working parents.

Two income families fit the guidelines, but make the problems worse in minority communities.

Race is not an issue at this point, but raising children in poverty is.

[WorkingClass]

The working poor come in all genders and races. Its a mistake to single out the women. The working poor need more liberal labor policies and more conservative immigration policies. Most of all they need single payer.

[nakalanzi]

I don't dispute the statistics. I just wish they'd take more pains to point out that marriage is also a patriarchal institution that is in many ways no more a safe haven for women than being single. While marriage confers many legal protections (which is why gays want to marry), married women to make many sacrifices that men rarely have to, e.g. career, identity. As a successful single woman in a healthy relationship, I get so tired of both the idealizing of marriage as an institution (as if it's the 'natural' or even desirable next step in a relationship) and the kinds of legal pressures to get married -- if you want to start a family, share your benefits with your significant other, etc. We need to recognize other social configurations of independence, choice, and commitment.

[oafishcad]

Gee, so many women have to live lives not dependent on the paychecks of others like men have always had to do. I feel their pain. Literally. Women earn less than men because women are more likely to have part time and temp jobs. When actual same jobs are compared, women have equal pay. And no, being a secretary is not the same as a firefighter. A firefighter is the same as a firefighter. Don't get me wrong. I want every person to have a good and decent life. Not as the author suggests, especially the woman on her own. Happy and healthy. Men have had to put up with the bull of working for "the man" always. I also appreciate every single thing my spouse does to make our home a home and am soooo glad I can earn enough so that only one of us has to put up with the outside world. I do what I can to make home life better too. I do the laundry, tend to the outdoors, clean the kitchen, cook (infrequently) and any other chores that need doing, gladly. I also disagree with the author that marriage is transitory. It never is if you do it right. It's called commitment.

[BizHippy2]

How naive - I have a friend whose husband woke up last month after almost 20 years of marriage and told her he didn't love her anymore and left. He won't even go to counselling.

You can never tell what is in someone else's mind.

[oafishcad]

Gee how cynicaql, and dismissive. You must be so much better than me. I only am determined to make my marriage work and will do what it takes. I feel Sorry for you.

[TooLooze]

There IS gender discrimination just the same as there is age, racial, disability and sexual orientation discrimination. It is unrealistic to deny the existence of any of them.

That does not however, change the fact that WHICHEVER parent is the primary caregiver for children or running a household faces the additional hardships of not being able to put his or her career first. It is unfair and discriminatory to make it SOLELY a woman's issue as Ms. Gardner does. Men who have spent their "career" years taking care of our families are a minority, but we exist.

[h0tr0d]

You exist ?.....Sorry not in the eyes of US law.

[h0tr0d]

Let's hear it for accountability for women. Every opportunity that men have is available to women, the fact that they make less money, or have less healthcare, or have less assets is by and large due to their own choices. When we stop treating women like victims who need to be taken care of, and treat them with equal responsibility, they will rise to meet those expectations. Now that we have completely devalued fatherhood and dismantled families due to the great work of feminism....women must be scratching their heads and wondering, what happened ?

[Frogfoot]

Excellent post.

[nakalanzi]

hotrod writes, "...the fact that [women] make less money, or have less healthcare, or have less assets is by and large due to their own choices."

So, wait: HOW is it my choice to make less than men doing the same job?? To have less benefits?

I agree we need to get past victimhood, but until there's gender equity in our social and legal institutions, don't blame feminism, as this is what many feminists have worked for. If anything, women want men to be MORE accountable for fathering (see BJD44's comment below) and strong families -- where women are indeed equal.

[oafishcad]

Women don't make less money doing the same job. At least not in America. No, they don't.

[fcsakes]

What a patronizing a**.

[randakost]

Ok, since women are "equal" how bout making it a crime for men to leave a marriage with children for women to take care of? Women have MORE responsibility than men, because the vast majority of us not only work full-time, we also take care of household finances, childcare, elderly parent care and household chores much more than men do. The reality is if a man doesn't want to deal with the responsibilities of a family once he's made it, he can just leave. Sure the courts might mandate some child support, but money isn't emotional support nor is it in any way equal to raising a child.

Fatherhood has been devalued by absent fathers, not by feminism. I would give my right arm to be the father in a "traditional" family, working 50 hours a week to come home to a hot meal and all my needs catered to. The fact is men had it great for decades and women realized they were getting the shaft, so men said, yeah come on into the workplace but don't expect any help from me. Feminism didn't ruin families, it was selfish men who weren't willing to share the burden that did.

[oafishcad]

75-80% of the people who've lost their jobs in this recession are men. Is that sexual discrimination? I know if it were the same number of women people would say it's proof positive of anti-female bias. Why isn't it proof of anti-male bias?

[NevaforLeadership]

Because the jobs that have been lost are traditional male jobs.

[Laserbeam]

You sound a little like those Republicans whining about white men being a minority and where are THEIR support groups....sorry if I'm being harsh.

[tb92]

That comment stated a fact and asked a good question. How is it whiny?

[fcsakes]

Got some facts to back up that WRONG statement?

[textynn]

They are not motivated to move the low paying jobs traditionally held by women over seas. That cheap labor is already secured.

[h0tr0d]

Why do women accept low paying jobs ? You would think they were being forced into those positions....but no, study after study shows that women choose jobs that give them better work life balance (summers off, anyone ?) but yet the whiners still complain about being "undervalued" when in fact it strictly a supply vs demand question.

[NevaforLeadership]

The group that is most discrimintated against is indeed single women.

[babaann]

Especially 50 something years old women.

[NevaforLeadership]

Indeed.

[Laserbeam]

I'm not yet 50 but can attest that job-hunting in one's mid-forties as a woman is no picnic, either. After years of hearing I needed more experience, now that I have years of experience and knowledge I was told that they wanted someone younger who could be molded the way they wanted...never mind the fact that the 20-somethings tend to job hop a lot and expect higher salaries and more benefits.

[oafishcad]

Oh, please. Stop. As a 50 plus invisible man, I can say you're full of it. Though I agree anyone over 50 is more useless than garbage unless they're already one of the rich and powerfull. All men are not in that category. Please stop being bigoted towards older men.

[jukesgrrl]

Thank you. This is an excellent article.

[been2there]

Don't forget that women who do stay at home- I managed it on a teacher's salary- pay for the rest of their lives. No Social Security, no way to make up the hole in "experience", no respect for such things as running the PTA, being room mother, home schooling, etc. etc. etc. Both of my children had special needs, and would have been a real problem had we not made the many, many sacrifices to keep a parent at home. So now what do I hear when money is tight? "Well, you could have worked."

[JuniperSunshine]

I hear you... I'm also a married at-home mother with a disabled child. Not only do we work 14+ hours a day, we are told that we are "taking a break" from our careers. Um, what? This IS my career, at this point in my life.

[babaann]

Other women are often the harshest critics.

Let them try to walk in your shoes.

[Laserbeam]

Having been a stay-at-home mom for the first two years of my child's life, I can honestly say it is the most difficult job on the planet and possibly the least recognized. When I was introduced to other grown-ups at a party, they would literally turn their backs on me and walk away as soon as they found out I was "just" a "housewife".

I have a genius IQ, am very bright and creative, and have a lot to offer, yet people who were not even as bright as I were coming off holier-than-thou - or should I say, "smarter-t­han-thou".

As for the "money is tight" line - what I would have been paid for working full-time was the equivalent of daycare costs at the time, so I told people I might as well be home with my child enjoying the special moments that will never happen again. It's a national disgrace that more value isn't placed on staying home to parent. It's challenging and requires much energy and creativity. The children of today are going to be the leaders of tomorrow, after all.

I didn't get taken seriously again by adults, though, until I went back to full-time, paid work. Shameful.

[randakost]

I stayed home for almost two years and I will always be glad I did, even though my husband and his entire family demeaned me for it as though I were being lazy and selfish because I wanted to be with my child. I clipped coupons, made everything from scratch (including laundry detergent!) and stretched our dollars as much as I could to make it work because I knew it was important. It was the most difficult and selfless thing I've ever done in my life and I will never forgive my now ex-husband or his family for treating me as though I were some king of freeloader because I knew I could give my child a better start than a stranger.

I don't think women that choose not to stay home are in any way inferior to those that do, but the reality is for most of us it's easier to work than to stay home and we should honor those women who have the patience and ability to make it their job to raise their kids. I went back to work not just because we needed the money but because working is infinitely easier than being at home.

[textynn]

How can you stay at home and get a teacher's salary?

[donitacurioso]

There are many stories out there way worse than mine, but mine is bad enough for me. Instead of building a career or furthering my education, I stayed at home and raised my kids. Quite a luxury, for sure. I had a husband who brought home a decent paycheck. Now I'm a middle-aged widow working a crappy part-time job, going to school and watching my savings dwindle. I just hope I can hang on until I finish school or this economy turns around. I'm doing ok for now but I know I'm not that far from pushing a cart.

BJD44, I wish you well.

[JuniperSunshine]

And when do we recognize women who have managed to save a troubled marriage for the sake of their kids?

And how about applause for those women who get married before having a child - even if they are upper middle class thirty-somethings and don't "have to"?

Where is the support for making marriage less "transitory"?

Or for Dads who refuse to go along with letting their ex make them disappear from the kids' lives?

Funny, it seems we women want the right to do whatever we please in our relationships with no judgment, but yet demand that someone recognize how hard it is to live with those choices. We cannot both argue that it's no big deal to choose raise a child with no father, and then ask for others to empty their pocketbooks after those choices are made. (I speak ONLY to those moms who chose to be single, not to those who were widowed, abandoned, or fleeing abuse.)

[HPdevotee]

I believe her article is on reality...you must have wanted the one on 'self-righ­teousness'­.

[NebulaNoxx]

Gee, thanks........ How very big of you.

[JuniperSunshine]

Hey, I also have compassion for drivers injured in a car crash who didn't wear a seatbelt. They should rightly have access to the ER to handle their needs. Treat people fairly... but quit calling it "brave" to drive without a seatbelt. It's not. Neither is it "brave" to willingly neglect to provide a father for your child.

[Laserbeam]

Where is the support for women who leave their marriages because of domestic violence?

[JuniperSunshine]

I repeat:

(I speak ONLY to those moms who chose to be single, not to those who were widowed, abandoned, or fleeing abuse.)

A single woman who decides that she doesn't need to bother with a committed father before becoming pregnant is different than a woman who needs to escape an abusive relationship. The problem is that BOTH are called "courageous". Only one of them actually is.

[NevaforLeadership]

Saving a troubled marriage for the sake of the kids is not something that deserves recognition. It's a bad, bad idea.

Lets recognize single women who have no children and no lump sum or monthly allowances from ex-husbands. The same group that never gets any tax breaks. The women who make it on their own. The women who don't have the safety and securitiy of their husbands roofs over their heads. The women who don't waste time blaming kids or ex-husbands for their circumstances. The women who pick themselves up and dust themselves off after a fall. The women who rely on themselves in old age.

[zombie fairy]

Yes! Let's hear it for women who used birth control, didn't get duped by wedding fantasies, didn't buy houses and cars they couldn't afford. Go me.

[Laserbeam]

Neva, while I think you make good points, it sounds to me as though you may have some resentment of single moms. Do you? It also sounds as though you want to pit single moms against single women without children, and to see who is better. Maybe I'm reading all of this into your post, and if so, I sincerely apologize. That's how it comes acorss to me, though. I just think we'd be better served to agree that ALL single women are basically the ni*&&%rs of the world and we need to support each other.

I love all my sisters! Can you imagine how powerful we'd be as a voting bloc if we stuck together?

[Laserbeam]

P.S. Most of us single moms who don't receive child support don't have time to blame anyone else for their circumstances - myself included. I've never blamed anyone else, anyway - it is what it is, and it is my life. I have a beautiful child and whatever the hardship has been over the years, and there have been many since we live so close to the poverty line, but no matter what I could always think of my child and know that as poor as i was, I was also wealthy. The beauty of him neglecting us was that I didn't have to worry about her safety during visitation, because there was no visitation. Sure, I didn't get any time to myself - I mean, eleven years later I'm just starting to get some - but the peace of mind was worth so much more.

I suggest you stop hanging around people who blame others for their own situations. We all have our own minds. You should be around positive people who allow you to feel good.

[BJD44]

My ex passed away unexpectedly 2 years ago now. My 2 kids and I had
not heard anything from him in 10 years. He died owing me over
$150,000 in child support (and a meager monthly child support at
that). All the laws in the land could not seem to locate him, which
literally amazes me still in this techie age. That someone can still
basically 'disappear' off the face of the map and get away with not
paying child support is just ludicrous. And my state's child support
enforcement was a joke, that's for sure!

Oh, and I forgot to mention......

I am the single parent of a severely handicapped child. Even
most single Moms have difficulty relating to that -- it's definitely
been anything but easy. And the odds that I'll ever get remarried
again are nil to slim, as statistics go.

Sometimes it all makes me feel so alone in the world......

[NevaforLeadership]

We are alone in the world.

Instead of focusing on getting married again, focus on securing your self sufficiency.

[Laserbeam]

I'm so sorry. You sound like a very strong woman. I empathize with you about the State Child Support Office - they are useless here, too. I finally stopped calling.

On behalf of your severely handicapped child, THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU AND BEING LOVING AND CARING.

Is there a possibility that your child could receive social security benefits now that the father has died? I would think that given the circumstances, age of child wouldn't be a factor.