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Pamela Brill
I am a full time pediatric oncology nurse practitioner, mother of 3, wife of 1. I started writing a because it was easier to write than to get a tattoo-which is what I really wanted to do and still plan to one day. My 3 children are products of incredible science and pure luck, otherwise called in vitro fertilization. When I am not working, mothering or wifing- you can find me hiding in the bathroom trying to pee in peace. I write to stay sane. It sometimes works.

Entries by Pamela Brill

Embryo Limbo

(0) Comments | Posted January 12, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Deep in a freezer, suspended in preservative fluid, lie two of my embryos. They are part of my little one's cohort. The two that were ok but not great. The two we left frozen in the event that my little Jude wasn't to be. I neurotically like having a back...

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New Year; Old Habits

(0) Comments | Posted January 4, 2015 | 5:09 PM

I always have a lot of items on my to-do list. I've tried as many organizational planners/calendars/apps as I have diets. There's a feeling of optimism and hope buying a new planner and filling it with plans, dates, to-do lists, reminder alarms, shopping lists, more to-do lists. I get the...

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Mothering Is All About Survival

(5) Comments | Posted November 12, 2014 | 11:52 AM

I made a conscious decision to have children. A very conscious, pricey, labor intensive and mentally exhausting decision. I paid lots of money to implant these children in my upside-down womb. I spent many hours with an impossibly long probe shoved up my lady parts, counting follicles and measuring the...

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Oncology Occupational Hazards

(4) Comments | Posted November 4, 2014 | 4:38 PM

I've learned a lot about life and humanity from working as a nurse practitioner in pediatric oncology. Some of those lessons have undoubtedly made me a better person than who I was before I learned them. They shifted my perspective. They gave me insight I never would have had unless...

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Power and Powerlessness in Religion

(0) Comments | Posted October 23, 2014 | 7:06 PM

Up until last week, Barry Freundel was the rabbi of a large Orthodox Jewish shul in Washington D.C. He was a leader in modern Orthodox thought and an intellectual force in the Jewish world. He was on the executive board of the Rabbinical Council of America and served...

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(0) Comments | Posted September 28, 2014 | 1:28 AM

It's the Jewish new year. Big holiday. Obscene amounts of food. Long hours in the synagogue. This year, I did something different. Instead of using the synagogue prayer book designated for the holiday, I took my own prayer book - Help.Thanks. Wow by Anne Lamott. And I prayed for the...

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Quicksand Depression

(1) Comments | Posted August 15, 2014 | 1:49 PM

Depression is complicated. As a non-expert, I can only say what I know from my own experience.

Not based on a randomized trial or an extensive literature review. Just based on living for 20 years with various stages of this disease. In college, I experienced my first flare-up. It...

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The Faint Line of Sanity

(0) Comments | Posted July 18, 2014 | 11:15 AM

Years ago, when I was doing a psychiatry rotation at Bellevue, I learned a valuable lesson. One that has stayed with me since. Sometimes, it whispers softly in my ear reminding me. Other times it shrieks desperately to me.

It is that the line between "us" and "them" is...

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Shake the Excess

(0) Comments | Posted July 8, 2014 | 12:18 PM

We went away for the weekend. The children, the husband, the beach, the car drive, the fantastic food and freedom from every day life. It was an un-vacation. "Vacation" conjures up a tall ice cold drink on a pool chair lost in a novel. The only noise is you breathing...

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Grief and Faith

(1) Comments | Posted July 2, 2014 | 1:53 PM

Three Israeli teenagers were kidnapped on their way home from school 18 days ago. Their bodies were found yesterday, bound and hastily buried under a pile of rocks in Hebron. They were shot shortly after they were kidnapped when the terrorists thought (wrongly) that the police were in pursuit. The...

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Never Trust a Whisperer

(1) Comments | Posted June 30, 2014 | 3:43 PM

Never trust anyone who claims they're a "whisperer." A child whisperer, a dog whisperer or a horse whisperer. It implies that there is one universal way to raise kids and train your dog. If they really knew *THE* way to "raise cooperative and respectful children," then why would they whisper...

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Food and Loathing

(3) Comments | Posted June 26, 2014 | 3:08 PM

My longest dysfunctional relationship has been with food. I was a short, chubby kid who then became a short, chubby tween. At 12, I was shopping for a bat mitzvah dress when clothing made me cry for the first time. You know what the fashion industry doesn't account for when...

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Liebe Single-Männer, diese 10 Dinge solltet ihr wissen

(0) Comments | Posted June 5, 2014 | 9:25 AM

Ich bin eine beinahe 40-jährige, verheiratete Frau und seit 15 Jahren raus aus der Dating-Szene. Ich habe Männer gedatet, bevor es das Internet, SMS und Anruferkennung gab. Ich habe zu einer Zeit gedatet, als man sich abends mit dem Typen treffen, ihm bei einem Essen gegenüber sitzen und erschreckenderweise Auge...

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10 Things Single Men Need to Know

(216) Comments | Posted June 2, 2014 | 12:12 PM

I'm an almost-40-year-old married woman who's been out of the dating scene for 15 years. I dated before the Internet, before texts, before caller ID. I dated in a terrifying age of having to have face-to-face conversations with my mate for the evening. Even more terrifying, we had to actually...

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IVF Loss

(5) Comments | Posted April 21, 2014 | 1:19 PM

A good friend of mine is losing another IVF cycle. My lady parts are no longer in that game. I've done five cycles, have three healthy children and so by all definitions, I am a total "winner," a Mega Millions jackpot winner times infinity. But since I've been through it,...

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