I've been married for 16 years and a parent for 12. Both are the hardest things I've ever done. Here's a list of 20 things I wish someone told me before I started this complicated, stunning, hard as fuck journey.
1.Your wedding gown will be the last white thing you wear that doesn't have smeared avocado on your breast and curdled milk on your shoulder. Children ruin all nice things. Stop buying them.
2.You haven't truly loved until you've cleaned up your partners' diarrhea.
3.There are many injustices in the world. The speed at which men lose weight is one of them.
4.You can simultaneously love and despise your offspring. In the same moment. Repeatedly.
5.Same goes for your partner.
6.Hormones are real. Respect them. An adolescent is a container of plutonium in Iraq. Tread very carefully.
7.Don't be afraid to be a hypocrite. Just let kids know that there will be a world of hypocrisy in their life and you're doing your part preparing them for that reality. Because humans aren't consistent or linear. This is a good lesson. So yes, mommy listens to Tupac but no, your 12 year old self cannot. Yes, it's hypocritical. No, I don't care.
8.Be very wary of people who think people should always be consistent and sensible. They will make you feel really bad about yourself as a human being. Get rid of those androids.
9.You will realize that sleep is a precious, fleeting thing. You will think of sleep as a commodity. You will want a sleep IRA. It's more valuable than cash.
10.There has to be a default parent. The one that can be more flexible and available when the school nurse calls to pick up a puking child. Be nice to them if you're not the default parent.
11.Sometimes you need to give your child Motrin and send them to school with a silent prayer to the Lord of Fever to please smile upon your child. Just until 3:30pm.
12.Sometimes you lie to the pediatrician. Of course he eats 3-5 servings of vegetables a day. Of course she got rid of her pacifier. No we definitely do not co-sleep. Yes she brushes her teeth daily (twice a day isn't believable). It's OK. No child has ever died from extended pacifier use or less than stellar dental hygiene.
13.Weddings are a huge waste of money. You will think of a 1,879 better things you could've spent that money on afterwards.
14.Sometimes the burden of teaching your kids right from wrong is overwhelming. At the end- "BE KIND" usually covers all the bases.
15.Remember the first few weeks or months of your relationship. It may help you out of a funk. That person is still in there. Make time to find him/her again.
16.Sex usually makes things better. Make sure your bedroom door has a lock.
17.Make sure you have iron clad contraception if you're not 110% sure you're ready to be a parent. Ask for the extra strength mirena with a side of condoms if you're on the fence about parenting.
18.You may fantasize about going to Thailand by yourself to start a new life as a Buddhist monk on the banks of the Mekong River. Fantasies keep you alive. Don't get lost in the guilt of them.
19.Marriage is hard. Parenting is harder.
20.Some days are uphill marathons with no shade. Some days are downhill spirals into a rabbit hole. Some days are ecstasy. Some days are devastating. Some days are mind-numbing boredom. Some days are so fucking beautiful you're left speechless.
Whatever kind of day you're having -- feel it. You're living a complicated, non-linear, hypocritical life. You're OK.