Dear 14-Year-Old Son,
I know you were pissed off at me this morning because I wouldn't write a note excusing your lateness. It seemed so easy to you: A stroke of my magic mommy pen and I'd save you from suffering through an hour-long detention for showing up at class two minutes late.
It wasn't that I have trouble lying. Lord knows I've lied before about why you were late, or absent. But those times, for a range of reasons, I thought you deserved a break.
This morning, though, was different. I felt bad about refusing to write the note, but I still believe it was the right thing to do. Here's why:
1. YOU WON'T WAKE UP IN THE MORNING. Despite the four alarm clocks on your bedside table, plus the kitchen timer and intercom system set at top volume, you won't get out of bed until I send in the virtual torpedoes, and I'm sick of it. I don't like getting up at 6:30 either, but I do it so I can help you get ready for school. You can do your part by getting out of bed.
2. YOU WON'T GO TO BED AT NIGHT. Just before I drop into a coma at 10, I tell you to go to bed and you refuse. Then I tell you not to stay up too late and you agree. Then I'm jolted awake at 1 in the morning by the sound of you tromping around, still online or playing video games. Which leads to Problem Number 1.
3. YOU TAKE FOREVER GETTING READY. The more I try to hurry you through your shower/dressing/breakfast/shoe-tying and homework-hunting routine, the slower you go. And when I warn you that you're going to be late, you scoff at me.
4. MY MOTHER NEVER WROTE ME A NOTE. My mother never even woke up with me in the morning, never mind cooked me waffles or drove me to school.
5. IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LEARN SOME RESPONSIBILITY. You're the baby of the family, and as such you've been, well, babied. That might have been okay for years 1 through 13. But I don't think it's good for you anymore.
6. I CAN'T CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE, I CAN ONLY CHANGE MYSELF. Instead of yelling, nagging, complaining, and feeling stressed out and miserable, I'm trying something different: not writing the note.
7. I BOUGHT YOU THE APC JEANS, HOSTED YOUR HOCKEY TEAM'S PASTA PARTY, COOKED YOU THE CHICKEN FINGERS YOU LIKE, LET YOU PLAY WU TANG CLAN AT TOP VOLUME IN THE CAR, AND LEARNED TO PLAY WII TENNIS. And I've done enough.
8. I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT. Period.
Maybe my not writing the note will help cure you of being late. Maybe the next time you're late I'll cave and write one. But at least now, I hope you understand my reasons.
Love, Mom
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I also require my 14 year olds to write letters to me when they are in trouble for not meeting rules, expectations or standards. This helps everyone, without screaming and fighting.
GOOD JOB!!
You are a great mom and a great writer.
But then as I read on I realized that your son has an entirely different problem: he is spoiled rotten. Of course he can't/won't sleep he is surrounded by toys and distractions which seem far more interesting than mere rest.
I say this as the mother of a 14yo son myself. My son has the TV/VCR/DVD and the computer and the video games, but he also has limits. And those limits started early. From the time he started school he was only allowed to watch cartoons on Saturdays. (I didn't have 24/7 Cartoon Network and, frankly, think I was better off for it.) He is only allowed to play video games on Sunday afternoon or with special permission. He follows these rules without question because they have always been in place.
BTW, my son struggles to get up in the morning, but always does (with my loud encouragement at times)and I have never set a bedtime for him. He goes to bed when he is tired. For a long time it was consistent around 9, sometimes now it is as early as 7 because he says teenagers need more sleep. There might be some truth in that.
I used to have a similar problem with my boys. One morning, I had finally had it with the nagging, yelling, etc. so I made the following announcement: "We will leave the house at 7:30AM sharp. If you are still in your pajamas, with messy hair and unbrushed teeth, then that is how you will be going to school." They've been ready on time ever since.
Another point of contention used to be chores. Here's how I solved that problem:
1. Laundry: I will wash the clothes you put in the hamper. If you choose not to put them in the hamper, then they will not get washed.
2. Dishes: Clean-up is your job. For this, you get spending money (aka "allowance"). If you choose not to wash the dishes, I will not remind you or nag you. I will simply wash them myself. However, I charge a fee; and this money will be deducted from your allowance. Your choice.
No more fighting, nagging, headaches...problem solved!
I learned early what the routine was and my parents never had to write a note. Oh yeah I was tardy ONCE and just got a tardy mark, you get over it (there was no such thing as detention at my schools).
I particularly like #8.
#9. So there.
i have a 13 y/o godson that i care for regularly, but not 24/7, so i don't know how difficult that is, but, a note...
when he was 3 y/o, we were going on an errand and he wanted his game & his toy & his blanket & his book & his juice...his father told him that he could only bring what he could carry...at the time, i thought that was child abuse!
now i know that he taught him a remarkable lesson that the boy carries with him to this day...a proud & responsible boy who shares his love & helps others carry the weight...
he gets his role & at the same time knows that we're here for him always...we serve him & he serves us...no notes here either!
(...and we'll take him out of school on a friday to go snowboarding!)
I know how hard it was to do that- and how how freeing. Good for you!