'Tis the season to be jolly, fa, la, la, la, la, la, blah, blah, blah. Now don't misunderstand, I'm no Scrooge by any means. I like Christmas and all that jazz, but sometimes the holiday season gets to be a little much. It's like, take the holidays last year, rinse, and repeat. If one more drunk Santa grabs my butt, I swear I will... OK, I'll admit I kind of like the attention. So how do you deal with the cray-cray holiday? Well, I've come up with a list of the top three things to help you cope with the jingle
balls' bells' season.
This is, of course, the number-one way to deal with any overwhelming holiday situation. Do you really want to be sober when you are forced listen to Aunt Bitty talking about her gout again? Now, I'm not promoting alcoholism or anything like that, but a shot of tequila has been known to ease the family pain.
Tricking people into buying you a drink can be productive and fun. Here are a few lines you can use: "I'm thirsty" (then stare until they buy you a drink), and, "Drinking makes me horny!" (but be careful with this one, as it could also prevent you from getting lit, ugly). You can also charge drinks to the tab of someone you don't like. Not that I've ever done that one.
If all else fails, you may resort to this: drink other people's drinks. Now, be careful whose drink you are drinking; we don't want a scorching case of mouth herpes for the holidays, do we? Families are forgiving, but family photos are not. It's best to avoid heavy-hitting sluts and those who look like they like to toss a good salad, if you know what I mean (I know you do). A simple distraction: "Oh my god, is that Cher?" or, "Look, something shiny!" Then grab that drink and chug it down faster than a hooker in winter. Blam! You got your liquor on!
2. Me Time
We often get all caught up in thinking about other people during this time of the year, but don't forget that the most important person is you! Don't neglect you, because in the end, you'll regret it. Take a minute and do something lovely for yourself. Go ahead, eat those cookies you've been drooling over! I mean not the whole cookie jar, girl. It's called moderation. Buy a little something for yourself, something that, even if you told everyone you wanted it, you know they still wouldn't get for you. Order up a ho. You heard me right. Look on that contact list and text that "special" person. You know what I mean. The one who is listed as "Some Hot Guy" in your phone because you don't remember his name. Tell him it's Christmas and you want your package.
3. An Escape Clause
This time of the year tends to bring about those chance meetings with people you thought were dead, or wished they were. The holidays always seem to summon forth that trash that just won't burn. A properly executed statement can free you from another tedious conversation with someone you really don't care about.
The Top 10 Things I Like to Say to Get Away from Ignunt-Ass People:
- "I just gotta dance!" (Dance. It's better when there's no music.)
- "Who wants to butter me?"
- "It's funny: the more I drink, the uglier you get."
- "My meds totally just wore off."
- "I just shit myself."
- "ZOMBIE!" (Run.)
- "I can't wait for Lindsay Lohan's next movie."
- "Teach me how to pee." (Wipe your wet hand on their hand.)
- "I just had butt sex with a dog."
- "I don't like you."
There's my list, and a list within a list. I guess I like lists. Anyways, the holidays aren't all bad. They certainly can be fun, too. Hopefully my little guide can make it an even more festive holiday for you. When you've got the holiday blues, always focus on something positive. Try thinking things like, "I'm thankful for my wonderful friends," or, "I make this ugly Christmas sweater look good," or, "Thank God I'm not Rick Perry." Happy holidays!