Now that so many of us have lived our gluttonous ways and gorged on the Christmas spirit (or spirits), it's time to make amends and think up some new year's resolutions.
I try to come up with things I know I can accomplish; that way, I don't wallow around in self-pity when I don't live up to them. For example, don't say, "I'm going to finally lose that extra weight." You'll inevitably fail. You'll fail not just because you are addicted to doughnuts but also because a resolution made on New Year's Eve is just an empty promise made under pressure. Save the life-changing things for when you are completely ready. Use New Year's Eve to make those important but not necessarily life-changing goals.
I've come up with my top list of new year's resolutions for 2012. If you like them feel, free to use them yourself (with royalty fees and full credit, of course).
I, Pandora Boxx, do hereby resolutionify (I just made that word up) the following:
- I will try to not be late anymore, but as Blanche Devereaux says, "Better late than pregnant."
- I will be more of a giver this year. I'm a receiver or giver, depending on the situation; I just do what I need to do. 2011 is the year of giving, or receiving... oh, hell, just get the job done.
- I will not drink as much Butterbeer before trying to cast a levitation spell. Wingardium leviosah! Oh, wait, it's "leviosa," not "leviosah"!
- I will stop yelling out "cock party!" in rooms of cute guys just to see who takes me up on the offer. OK, I'm lying. I'm totally not going to stop doing that.
- I will drink more alcohol and eat less healthy, nutritious food. Wait, that doesn't sound right. Oh, well, I'll just go with it.
- I will fuck my way to the D-list.
- I will stop telling people that Taylor Lautner is my super-secret boyfriend. Clearly, he's straight.
- I will not get mad at Rick Perry. Maybe like gay people, assholes are born that way, too.
- I will stop regifting things I borrow from other people's houses.
- I will stop singing "I Want to Know What Love Is" at the top of my lungs to people crossing the street while I'm waiting at red lights.
- I will spread the truth to all ladies that if a guy is wicked sparkly in the daylight and won't fuck you, he is a big 'mo, not a vampire.
- I promise to give any gay guy a dirty sanchez when he says he's "straight-acting" or is looking for someone "straight-acting." Straight guys don't suck dick, moron.
- I will try and be fancy like Ke$ha and be P&ora. Uh, never mind, cuz th@ sux.
- I will accept the fact that you can't please everyone, and trying to just ends up giving you sore knees.
- I will be as gay as I possibly can be. Yay, gay!
I've certainly got my work cut out for me for 2012! But I feel like with enough determination and homemade moonshine and the right pair of heels, anything is possible. Here's to all of you having a wonderful new year. Live long and prosper, as Spock says.
For more of my new year's resolutions, check out the video version, with all different resolutions, on my YouTube channel.