When we were children, we never even thought about turning 50 years old. The milestone birthdays are one, 13 (because you're finally a teenager), sweet 16, 21, 30 and then every birthday that has a zero in it.
The big 5-0 is, for some reason, a wake-up call that "act three" is a one-way ticket. So let's visit some things that one might dread hearing after we blow out those 50 candles.
25. "We need a price check on Preparation H." (On the loud speaker in the drug store)
24. "Do you qualify for a senior citizen discount?" (Cashier at ANY department store)
23. "So what band was Paul McCartney in again way back in the '60s?"
22. "I have symptoms!"
21. "I wet my pants when I sneeze."
20. "Did you know that Clint Eastwood is almost 82?"
19. "I forgot what I was saying."
18. "I just turned 30. I'm getting so old!" (Really? Shut the heck up!)
17. "Justin Bieber is only 18. He makes more money in one month than I've made in a lifetime."
16. "Jack Nicholson use to be so handsome. How old is he now?"
15. "If you lose your job at this age, good luck!"
14. "Life has passed me by."
13. "Everyone from our high school graduating class is starting to really look their age... especially Jane Doe. Have you seen her? Whoa!! I don't look that old, do I?"
12. "Does this make me look fat?" (Yes.)
11. "Colonoscopy... How do you spell gastroenterologist?"
10. "Why does my doctor look like Doogie Howser?"
9. "I remember when there was no Internet, no cell phones and only birds tweeted."
8. "GRANDMA TALKS WAY TOO LOUD."
7. "I look more like Kathy Bates naked than Lindsay Lohan."
6. "I see cobwebs."
5. "Your telephone cord is kinky but your sex life isn't." -Milton Berle
4. "High blood pressure."
3. "The jowl fairy paid me a visit last night."
2. "I need to go shopping for some new belts."
1. "Dick Clark has died." :-(
(I don't usually shed tears when celebrities die. It's not that I'm insensitive -- I just don't know them. I cried buckets when my parents died. I sobbed when my sister died way too young. When I heard that Mr. Rogers had died, I cried. When I heard that Dick Clark passed away, I cried. My children grew up with Mr. Rogers; I grew up with Dick Clark. They represented goodness and kindness... and the best nostalgic memories ever! An era has passed. Let's hope two more people step up.)