So when I'm lying in bed at night, my nose whistles. I think that started when I was 52 and a half. I can't explain it, but it has to do with aging because that particular sound didn't come out of my nostrils in my 20s, 30s or 40s. It kind of sounds like the noise you hear when you let the air out of a balloon by pinching the lip very, very slowly.
Or sometimes, when I'm lying on my side and breathe in and out with my mouth closed, my nose sounds like tiny dice clicking together right before you roll them.
Those are sounds you want to avoid on that first post-50 sleepover if you're single.
My knees crack when I get up out of a chair or when I'm walking too slow or too fast or especially when I'm running 25 miles a day. That's a lie. I don't run to the mailbox and back.
I groan a lot out loud because of certain activities in bed... like rolling over to tell my husband, Buff, to move his hands off my hips.
I whine when I get those painful stress-related cricks in my neck. I can't turn my neck from left to right or right to left without moving my whole upper torso to align my head with the rest of my body beginning at my waist. I walk like Frankenstein's monster on valium. I couldn't beat a snail to the curb.
I cry out in agony when my back goes out. You'd be surprised at how much you use your back until you can't. There's muscle pain so deep that you can't function and you have to get out of bed by pulling yourself up on the bedpost with the weight of your hands and arms. Bending over is not an option. Try asking your spouse to put your shoes on for you for 14 days in a row. Saying bad words out loud is another sound that goes along with the back ailment.
Remember sex noise? Happy moans... now a distant memory. You'll find it here in the movie When Harry Met Sally. That's the last sound my husband heard on our 15th wedding anniversary while we were having our pretend sex (we would have been put in jail if we had tried "Mommy Porn" back then). We've been married 35 years. Now the only sound we hear after we climb into bed is one of us snoring or dogs barking next door or crickets chirping happily outside our window in the summer (I'm guessing they're happy because they don't have back trouble) -- and Buff breaks wind very loudly (so gross) which puts me into the guest bedroom, which leads to door slamming.
I tend to make a big deal of yawning as I mature. I use to yawn silently but for some reason I now have to make a loud 'ahhhhhhhh' sound to accompany my yawns. I think it's to get Buff's attention so he'll know I'm bored while I'm watching him play control-freak on the couch with his remote control. I want to get out of the house and go on a cruise before I'm stuck with a walker in 30 years. Most couples our age go on European trips and exciting cruises. I'm lucky to get him to take me to the next county. (That's coun-ty not coun-try.) He's a homebody, which is great for old hermits.
Allergy season... big bad loud coughing, hacking, sneezing, spitting... not attractive. I never had allergies in my life until after I turned 50.
Then there's the sound of silence. Buff and I can go to dinner and eat a three-course meal without speaking one word between us. I'm so grateful for chatty waiters. I look around to see if other couples are talking to each other. You can tell the difference between couples who are on a date and couples who have been married for some length of time. As married couples age, the art of conversation falls through the cracks -- unless the nice-looking twinkie next door trips on a blade of grass while pulling up those unattractive four-leaf clovers in her yard, and then he can run over and talk to her for 20 minutes. The last conversation we had, I think, was about him not making an effort to talk to me anymore. It didn't go well. I did all the talking. He rolled his eyes.
Sigh.
Women should realize that men don't care for the specifics of that really cute blouse you saw some other woman wearing at the mall, or need to rehash the same story about your cousin's aunt's baby's or whatever other story that you had already told someone else with him in the room and subjected to already hearing it all.
Any woman by that age should know that men typically talk only when they have something to say, and expect to be heard when they do. They generally are not talking just to be talking about anything they can and/or willing to repeat it any chance they get. Ever try talking about something that may be interesting to him, not just you? Or have you ever told him to shut up because you don't care to hear all the specifics about replacing the water pump on the car or what team won the basketball playoffs? Try selecting topics you would both care about if you want time filling conversation beyond daily issues.
A hot shower or bath normally helps a lot. I recognize that I could have some terrible terminal illness and truly suffer. So I'm not going to focus on age or pain right now, when I mercifully don't have those serious afflictions.
I don't want to hear a "senior" joke ..... they're not funny, they're patronizing. Except for the wonderfully witty "Maxine". I'm not joining any senior club or attending any senior "wellness" fair either.
The great writers, artists and thinkers didn't go around whining about age .... they wrote and created and gallavanted with gusto until most of the luckier ones died at the desks.
Yep ... there are physical limitations .... sometimes terrible ones. But there's also a mindset. And it counts for just as much, or more .... of what you'll become in your senior years.
Don't bring the children.
Thankfully, there are lots of things for older people to do in our area. I belong to 2 exercise classes and a Tai Chi class for people with arthritis. I also get out to book discussion groups at the library and knitting groups. Maybe Buff could get a few interests outside the house and then you would have things to talk about. We are in our 70's and have been married 41 years. We talk all the time. Two people in my exercise group are over 86. They are my heroes.
Old age can be very challenging but my plan is to keep moving as much as possible and get out and about. My biggest fear, after losing my mind, is becoming one of those people who repeats the same stories over and over and over because I haven't done anything new in 25 years.
Youngsters look bewildered as they attempt to locate the elderly occupant that just drove by: especially in Florida. Nary a soul will recall where it was they put their car keys, glasses, or the name of the person they just met. Men will continue to rehash the same old jokes; with one difference they won't bother to say, "If you heard this before, stop me?" In fact most folks won't remember when it was they heard their last thunder.
With an aging population and illegal aliens running rampant, burial space will be at a premium. Cemeteries will be a thing of the past; instead those hallowed grounds will be covered over with strip malls. Environmentalists will shut down crematoriums, in yet another futile attempt to eradicate global warming. The only burial grounds remaining will be at state owned landfills!
RECOMMENDATIONS:
1. Be especially nice to pigeons and sea gulls; for they'll be the only ones able to pay respects! But don't be upset, as you know fly-overs are usually reserved for dignitaries’ and heads’ of state.
2. When driving past a landfill, refrain from commenting about the stink; someday it could very well be you who's fermenting!
Puhleeeeze??
I can still hear the barnyard sounds my husband makes after dinner and I am in the living room trying to watch TV.
end the discussion, by telling them to think on the bright side. Advise them, that seniors are eligible for Social-in-Security, Obama-care, and a bevy of wonderful discounts that go hand-in-hand with the aches, sounds and pains of aging.
Enlighten the kids to this truism: after spending 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions, including heat and room service, we enter the real world via the tunnel of love, bald, toothless, blind, deaf, and unable to control bodily functions. Should the Creator grant us a long life, we'll exit in the same manner and in the end, we'll be shoved back into yet another hole; minus the amenities.
In the meantime, tell them to be kind, caring, humble, and friendly. Advise them to be certain they enjoy life to the fullest! One thing more. Tell them to adhere to the tried and true rules of aging!
" Never pass a bathroom, and never fart; not even a little one."