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Pat Gallagher

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Post-50 One-Night Stands: Don't Try This at Home!

Posted: 01/30/2012 2:22 pm

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reality star Kyle Richards was recently on The View pushing her new book, Life is Not a Reality Show. She happened to mention that if a wife or husband has just one single one-night stand, she doesn't believe they should tell each other if they don't do it again.

Really?

If my husband Buffoon (his affectionate nickname for me is dingbat, which is much better than "Schmoopie") had a one-night stand, I would definitely want him to tell me about it. Why? So I could accidently put a little laxative in his coffee every morning for the next six months.

We've been married 35 years, and I'm not saying he's not human, and I'm not stupid enough to think he's never "undressed" a voluptuous little lollypop with his eyes, but I'm seriously insecure and it's not fair, that at our age, he looks like a mature, gracefully aging Clark Kent and I look like an old Peppermint Patty.

If Buffoon came home one night and started a conversation with, "I have something to tell you so you might want to sit down," and then proceeded to tell me that one evening he made a little mistake with his joy stick, I would call an ambulance and tell them to hurry over to my house because someone might be turning purple soon.

So I actually do get the point of not telling your spouse if you've had a one-night stand (to avoid a bear trap being affixed to someone's pee-pee), but I don't get why Buffoon would even want to dally with another woman in the first place given the fact that my uncle on my mother's side was a trapper.

I won't ever leave my husband and get a divorce because I'm afraid he'll be happy. Once in a while he'll get silly and spout off about how happy he would be without me so why should I chance it? Why let him prove he's right? -- Happy? You want happy? Get a happy meal. -- Besides, if I left him tomorrow, he would have 10 women at his doorstep wanting to date him -- women anywhere from the age of 20-something to 60. My dating pool would consist of men who drink out of sippy cups and wear Depends. It's not an equal playing field so I won't have it.

I didn't spend 35 years with a man only to let him go to some little fresh-face Lolita with a perky personality. We went to an office party not long ago, and this drop-dead gorgeous 33-year-old female co-worker came running up to him gushing and telling me how wonderful my husband is ... how lucky I am to have him. I remained calm. I was sweet to her, pulled her over to the side and explained to her that he's so precious to me, and it's a darn shame he has genital herpes. For a man with a rash, he's pretty special. He has a purple ass and his nipples are discolored. But doesn't he look good in a suit? (She left early.)

In the big picture, a person can never, ever be sure if their spouse cheats. Quite honestly, I'm not sure if Buffoon has ever succumbed to temptation, but if he has, the truth is, I only want to know about it if I can lean on Martin Short's shoulder. What is it about him? The funniest man alive. Major crush. I need a back-up plan.