Commentary on the Red Carpet Commentary

This year I watched the lead up to the Oscars with friends who, let's just say, they don't have subscriptions to People Magazine. None of them were my mother. At least one of the voices, I confess, is mine.

--She's much prettier than that other one.

--You mean the one in the Frieda Kahlo movie?

--Rob thinks one of them has weird eyebrows. Or beautiful eyebrows. Now I can't remember which he thinks. Should I call him?

--Ooh, look at that. She looks terrible. Or am I getting her mixed up with the other one I love? Claire Danes.

--Who's that?

--I can tell you who she's not. But I can't tell you who she is.

--Wait. She did Dirty Dancing, right?

--She's someone different. No, she's Flash Dance.

--Did you see that thing about Taco Bell?

--Yes. I'm thinking we shouldn't eat there anymore.

--There's Jennifer Connelly. No, it's Jackie Earle Haley.

--Jackie's a guy?

--Look at her. Never had plastic surgery.

--She sure has. You can't be sixty and not have jowls. I hate to shatter your dreams.

--I don't think he's good-looking.

--He was a cute little boy, though.

--Everyone was...unless you're a little girl, I mean.

--I like that guy?

--Ben Kinglsey?

--No, Alan Arkin.

--Is that girl anything?

--They know who made their suits?

--That's what this whole program's about.

--Yeah, but not the unknowns.

--What did I miss?

--That Alan Arkin's an asshole.

--Qwentheth?! Her name's QwINNeith, even I know that.

--I don't like that dress, do you? I like it because you could shoot a bullet at it and it wouldn't go in.

--There was one minute when she looked good. In the 80's. She was an example of tasteful cosmetic surgery.

--I disagree. I think Joan Rivers looks good for, what is she, 75?

--First of all that's her daughter and she's not 75.

-- "The fashion community's response to me..." (comment by Anne Hathaway) What's that supposed to mean?!

--I love emaciated, but she doesn't look good. She lost like a million pounds.

--She looks entirely different. The actresses' faces change more than their clothes every year.

--They should say who made your dress, who made your face, who made your breasts.

--I wish they would just be naked. That's what everyone wants.