Donald Rumsfeld Remixes Christian Hymns for George W. Bush

This week, GQ's Robert Draper broke the story that Donald Rumsfeld used cover sheets juxtaposing Bible quotes and war imagery for the top-secret intelligence briefings he hand-delivered to the White House. The "Crusades-like messaging" is one of many revelations in his exhaustive insiders account of the Rumsfeld era, "And He Shall be Judged."

Piggybacking upon Draper's fine work, we here at the Huffington Post have done our own investigative reporting into Donald Rumsfeld's use of religious iconography to sell the Iraq War. We've uncovered exclusive classified documents--seen only by Rumsfeld, a handful of Pentagon officials and Vice President Dick Cheney--detailing a plan to utilize the music of Bush's beloved church. To curry favor and mollify the President, Rumsfeld changed the lyrics of his five favorite Christian songs.

MEMO: April 11, 2003

FROM: Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense

TOP SECRET TO: ECRET/HCS/COMINT/ORCON

RE: The Rummy Re-Mix of Religious Recordings

At 2 p.m. every afternoon, President George W. Bush works out, takes a nap, then arises for a short prayer, and a half hour of meditation to the following hymns. On my authority, the Pentagon choir will be re-recording the songs with a more positive pro-God message of freedom. Upon completion of the project, the recording studio will be broken down and shipped to Abu Gharib prison, where I am told we are getting slam-dunk confirmation on the Al Qadea-Saddam Hussein link. We'll definitely want that on tape.

Be advised, do not, I repeat DO NOT tell President Bush that the lyrics have been altered. He is a man of deep and abiding faith in both Jesus Christ and Operation Iraqi Freedom, so we're simply following the Almighty's example in helping the President attain a spiritual awakening through the power of God's love and music.

Lord hear our prayer.

Amen.

AMAZING GRACE:
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, Of the beating of a wretched I-raqi.
He'll start a-talkin', if he thinks he's drowned,
After which, we'll burn his eyes with lye, so he can't see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear, both Sunnis and Shiites because they all look a-likes,
How precious did that Grace appear, to give me strength to take 'em all out with targeted air strikes.

Through the Iraq War dangers, toils and snares
I've questioned if our mission is righteous and true,
'Tis prayer that brought me peace thus far
By letting me know this is exactly what Big J.C. himself would do.

PASS IT ON:
It only takes a smoking gun to get a mushroom cloud going,
And soon all the innocent American citizens around, will melt as it's glowing
That's why you need to follow God's wrath, he wants us to bring the pain;
You'll spread bunker-busters throughout Iraq; passing them on until we kill Saddam Hussein.

What a wondrous time is spring when all the trees are blooming
The birds begin to sing, and the cluster bombs start their booming,
That's how it is with God's wrath, he's asked you, President Bush to lead the way;
To show Iraq the road to Christianity, or watch it choke on the holy fury of the U.S.A.

ON EAGLE'S WINGS:
Those who dwell in the shelter of Hussein,
Should be forced to make God's introduction,
Then Say to the Lord and W.: "My refuge,
Let me show you the weapons of mass destruction!"

The snare of the liberal cheese-eaters will never capture you,
And the enemy will bring you no fear:
You're on a Crusade from God,
As these pictures of American soldiers accompanied by Bible quotes makes clear.

You need not fear the terror of the night,
Nor the IEDs that explode by day;
Though thousands of civilians fall is plain to see,
There's little to no chance of an insurgency.

So the Iraqis will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Because if you commit to the Lord your plans will succeed,
So don't call it a Holy War,
Just know God blesses the good guys, even when civilians die and bleed.

BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC:
Your eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord;
He called you to trample out the Al Qaeda camps where the WMDs are stored;
So go on and loose the fateful lightning of His terrible swift Defense Department sword;
Our truth is marching on.
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Our truth is marching on.

You can't forget 'twas Saddam who tried to kill your Daddy
He also masterminded 9/11, that Hussein he is a baddie;
Saddam's best friends with bin Laden and he's buying yellowcake;
Your calling W. is to take him out and send to Hell to swim in a fiery lake;
God's will is marching on.
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! God's will is marching on.

President Bush sounds forth the trumpet that shall never call retreat;
Be the USA wrapped it up in Afghanistan so to Baghdad we'll bring the heat;
You will bring Saddam to death upon his judgment seat;
And the folks back home will say "Ole' W. won the war on terror, Hallelujah he's in command, now let's get something to eat;"
Thank our Lord and Savior President Bush is marching on.
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Thank our Lord and Savior President Bush is marching on.

ROCK OF AGES:
Gunter glieben glauchen globen

America, pray for me,
I know in my heart it's the work of the Lord
That's why this morning I knelt down and kissed the holy waterboard
If the Iraq War isn't right, then why do prayers make me so calm?
God spoke to me in a vision; he said, "Go ahead son, go get Saddam."

America, let me be honest with thee;
Them Islamuslims don't make much sense to me
They don't make the sign of the cross,
They don't celebrate Easter,
And who wants goat when they sit down at a family feaster?

Some say the Iraq War is wrong that invading a sovereign nation is chilling,
But if that's the case,
Then why do I have such a coalition of the willing?
It is only through war that we can attain any peace,
If I'm wrong tell me God and I'll cease.
Nothing. Hah. I knew you were with me Jesus; you're my kind of guy
Wash over me with your love dear Savior, or I die.

Rock of ages, rock of ages
Still rollin', keep a-rollin'
Rock of ages, rock of ages
Still rollin', rock'n'rollin'

We're gonna burn this damn place down
Down to the ground

Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.....

Comments

[larry278]

Rummy didn't use:
Glory, glory, let the credit company sue you,
the north won the war.
My eyes have seen the tail lights of a Ford.
We sold the drapes of Roth & Ichord.

[luziannagirl]

Wonder what Christian iconography he used to sell the marooning of New Orleans?

"Rumsfeld Ripped On Katrina", www.2theadvocate.com

It references an article in last week's GQ alleging it was Rumsfeld who held up essential federal troop assistance for five days while hundreds of American citizens drowned in city streets and died of exposure in their attics.

[progressiveconnie]

.
I just had a great idea for a movie script. It would be about these good, hardworking people in a land called Idealism where their government resides in a city called Ideology.
The citizens of Ideology were called Loonycons who decided to go to war but had to convince the people to go to war so they lied about why they were going to war and also spread fear everywhere by getting a terrorist group called the Langlies to send out anthrax letters which really created fear and also murdered 5 citizens.
The one who ordered the Langlies to do this ran the country for a guy who didn't know what country he was in and this Loonycon also liked the idea of torture, shooting everything in sight including his friends and hobnobbing with Justices of the Supreme Court which means these people have a real problem knowing what ethics means.
The Loonycon who enjoyed sending anthrax letters has to pin this crime on someone - anyone!!! The first guy that was picked to pin it on sued the government and won but the next guy wasn't so lucky because he was harassed into a mental hospital where they gave him powerful psychotic drugs which caused him to commit suicide and of course dead men tell no tales.
Do you think anyone would believe a story like this???!!! Sounds a bit farfetched doesn't it??? And in this land called Idealism the rule of law prevails, doesn't it???!!!!

[shadowgm]

It'd be funnier if the parodies matched the original melody. Amazing Grace sure as hell doesn't.

[larry278]

You forgot Onward Christian Soldiers. It begins:
Onward Christian Soldiers,
Your duty is plain.
Slay your Muslim brothers
or by them you'll be slain.
....
See Rev Dobson or Pastor Warren for the other verses. Armed Forces regulations forbid GIs from rewriting hymns along with taking Jesus to the unchurched. GIs & their chaplains must live a life of restrictions & sacrifice to serve the USA.

[Thundrdrum]

Or NOT, as we've plainly seen over and over again. Cheney and Rumsfeld really knew how to pull W's strings to make him dance.

[larry278]

I wonder if W's lieberry at SMU will display the sock puppets that Dick & Don used when W couldn't speak, for instance W disappeared after 9/11/01. CW says that W was on AF 1 fleeing to Air Force Bases to avoid being offed by terror-asseds. I don't give a damn where Don & Dick kept W after 9/11/01. Don & Dick preserved us from seeing W in the throes of uncontrolable shaking, slobbering, sweating, defecating & urniating as he tried to deal with 9/11/01.
Seeing W, the POTUS, in that condition could have started an immense, uncontrollable panic in the USA. W in diapers, a strait jacket & writhing in an isolated rubber room would have created a panic, if the American public saw it. W was in no shape to function for a few days till the psycho-pha­rmaceutica­l medications took control of his body & what passes for a mind in W's body.
Don & Dick weren't going to let us see W as he did the St Vitis Dance.