Now that we've been able to shake off our Election Night hangovers, (thanks 23/6!) it's time to assess what the 1,460-day campaign taught us. Clearly, there were winners and losers along the way, and not just the obvious ones like Yentl or Lt. Col. Kilgore.
WINNERS:
George W. Bush: Not only have President Bush's approval ratings jumped four points in a week to 26%, but he also no longer has to listen to analysis of how his eight years in office handed the White House keys to Obama in a walk. For the next 74 days, George W. Bush can kick back and watch some college football in peace, unencumbered by anyone giving a good goddamn about what he's doing at any moment.
Bi-Racial Gen-X and Aging Black Civil Rights Era Politicos Who Enjoy Making the Talk Show Rounds: "So Cory Booker, please give us your thoughts on everything." "Adrian Fenty, please share your opinions on...stuff." "John Lewis, tell us what went through your mind every day since the March on Washington in 1963." "We'd love to have you on Meet the Press, Rev. Jackson. The removal of Barack's nuts was washed away in your hard-fought tears."
Asphalt: Rumors abound of some kind of WPA "green-collar" infrastructure improvement package. Finally, we have a President who won't be judged on the color of his skin, but on the compressive strength of his concrete.
"Repudiation" and "Takeaway": Every election season brings a host of new buzzwords. These two have become the 21st-century terms of choice, subconsciously ingrained in the national lexicon. Just this morning I asked my wife, "What is the takeaway behind your repudiation of my smiley face pancakes?"
Donovan McNabb: The proud African-American quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles told the Times, "Wouldn't it be special if we make it to the Super Bowl and win and I get a phone call from Barack Obama? That would be excellent." Three years ago, Obama told fellow Chicagoan McNabb that he was a big fan. In today's post-racial America, this relationship trumps Obama's hometown support of white Bears quarterback Rex Grossman, who isn't even the good white Bears quarterback. This is subject to change if the Bears resign Vince Evans for the playoff run.
Liberality For All & Libarro World: Now that Republicans are the outsiders, they get to be the bomb-throwers, speaking truth to power. And who better than conservative comic book publishers ACC Studios? Nothing says sticking-it-to-the-man like a cartoon Sean Hannity stopping a "Hillary Express" train...Wait, what do you mean you haven't published since 2006? This is your time, right-wing comic book guys. Worst...election...ever.
Partisan Baking: Not only were these cookies delicious, they were abundant! Thanks for lessening some of the unholy effects of the evil Killian's Irish Red State keg beer!
Covert Muslim Terrorists: Your secret's safe with us, Amir Obama.
Va-Jay-Jays: Women voted for Obama 56-43, took two governorships and two seats in both the House and Senate, and captured seven statewide offices in the fem-tastic state of North Carolina. And, of course, Hillary Clinton nearly became the first Presidential candidate and Sarah Palin became the second VP nominee and united the country. Laugh if you want, but Palin both hardcore conservatives and liberals see her as a godsend. Is Helen Reddy still alive? If so, it's time for a Rick Rubin career rebirth album. Cue the acoustic guitar, "We are women, hear us roar!"
Things That Are Awesome: We always thought George W. Bush sounded a little tweenish when he referred to stuff like the American troops and their families, or a speech by Pope Benedict XVI, as "awesome." We were wrong. When Bush told Obama Tuesday was an "awesome night," it sounded entirely appropriate.
LOSERS:
Dumb Fucks: Here's the deal Idiot America, you've got a little over two months to do some fancy book-learnin'. Come January 20, however, if you still believe: that the Earth is 5,000 years old, that global warming isn't man-made, that Terri Schiavo was this close to a full recovery, that 9/11 was an inside job, or that the Book of Revelations describes the ant-Christ as someone with characteristics matching Barack Obama...Well, then, you may as well fly back on your pet pterodactyl to the fortified compound and wait for the Apocalypse, you mouth-breathing troglodytes.
Curmudgeonly Old Southern White Men: See: Obama, Barack.
The 21st-Century Underground Railroad: How the Netroots and the Green Machine Restored the Union: Coming soon to a bookstore near you from permanent annoyance Thomas L. Friedman, who declared that Obama's election means the "American Civil War ended." And did you see Obama won Virginia? That's the same state where they fought the Battle of Bull Run. What a perfectly clever soundbyte. I'm so glad I came up with last March and can beat into the ground until I've moved 460,000 copies in hardback. Someone, anyone, please punch Friedman in his mustachioed schnozz. The world is flat? Yeah, so is your nose. Let the reconstruction begin.
Maverick: Ultimately John McCain and Sarah Palin will move onto bigger and better things, remembered only as a footnote in the 2008 election. The original Maverick, however, will be as dead as Jester once the Nazi eye-patch movie is released.
GOP/CNN Political Analysts Who Look like the Love Child of Snidely Whiplash and Al Sharpton: Seriously, can't you picture Alex Castellanos tying that white bitch Nell to the tracks in a protest against police brutality?
Plumbers: Yep, from here on out, every dickwad you visit is going to make same the hi-larious joke of calling you "X the Plumber" when all you want to do is snake the crapper and call it a day. Including me.
Fear of a Black Planet: Twenty years later, America did the right thing. Voters fought the power, brothers in the street worked it out, the Terrordome is being shut down as we speak, and, no joke, 311 is an efficient way to find out if alternate side-of-the-street parking is in effect. We bet Chuck D. is cool with Public Enemy's masterpiece becoming a relic. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? It's not like Flavor Flav is going to become a modern-day minstrel. (Ed note: The premise for this entry was "sampled" from the Facebook page of Details editor Alex Bhattacharji.)
Mandates & Man Dates: The next person to use the word "mandate" gets a Rahm Emanuel-style steak knife plunged into their larynx. Dead! As for man dates... Sure Arizona, Arkansas and Florid, but California, WTF? And Latino and African-American Californians WT-Double-F? Although, we suspected Prop 8 would succeed after its opponents rejected the 527 ad we created:
Open on two portly balding middle-aged gay men wearing tuxedos and holding hands. A bolt of lightning crashes from the heavens tearing them asunder. One man steps forward...
Hello, my name is Sherman Oaks. I'm a happily married gay man. Like you, I believe in the sanctity of holy marriage. The bonds of monogamous matrimonial unity rendered my wandering eye blind, but if Prop 8 passes I will be forced to rekindle my other love.
Performing oral sex on teenage boys.
And I am not alone.
Vote no on Prop 8. Or we'll fellate your son.
Paid For by people who can't believe that the jubilation of November 4 had to be tempered by the no-longer-cool state of California.
O.J. Simpson: Henceforth, all file footage of black people watching a verdict on television then jumping up and down while screaming wildly in joy shall originate from the night of November 4, 2008. All footage from October 3, 1995 is to be incinerated. Hey Juice, enjoy remaking The Longest Yard. Asshole.
Barack Obama: Since Obama's election, the Dow Jones has fallen 929 points, the U.S. unemployment rate hit a 14-year high, GM announced it lost $2.5 billion in the quarter and could run out of cash in 2009, housing prices were reported as down 9%, Russia announced plans to move armed ballistic missiles to the border of Poland, war has escalated in Eastern Congo, Afghan President Hamid Karzai has called for the President-elect to make civilian deaths his main priority, the reviews for the Bernie Mac vehicle Soul Men suck and still, after all this time, we are no closer to knowing who let the dogs out.
Dude...