06/28/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Until Gays Can Marry, I'm (Un)Legally Divorced

Dear LBGT Community,

I am sick that, once again, there has been a setback in your quest for the basic American right to get married. Prop 8 was bad enough, but the Supreme Court ruling was worse in its sheer illogicality (Yes, that's a word). Many have claimed that the ruling simply upheld the will of the people, but by allowing the 18,000 same-sex marriages to stand, it seems that gays have been divided into two distinct camps and that ain't constitutional.

Funny thing, when the Supreme Court struck down anti-miscegenation laws in the 1967 Loving v. Virginia case, the unanimous decision ruled that marriage is one of the 'basic civil rights of man,' fundamental to our very existence and survival. It didn't rule that light-skinned beauties like Lena Horne should feel free to wed whiteys like Lennie Hayton, but darker-skinned babes like Juanita Moore should stick to their own kind.

Yes, there's been progress in Iowa, Maine and Vermont (not too mention Canada, Norway, Belgium and South Africa), but until it's all-for-one and one-for-all in these United States of America, I am hereby granting myself an (un)legal divorce. It may be only a matter of time, but until us married straight folks join the revolution, the 'basic civil rights of man' will languish in the voting booths and courthouses of this great nation.

A quick definition: An (un)legal divorce is recognized solely by the straight married couple contained within, or at least the one writing the post. The (un)legal divorce eliminates the paperwork suckfest and ensures that the magical rent fairy will keep a roof over my head. The "proceedings" are thus: standing up on a table announcing "I proclaim myself (un)legally divorced!" followed by the downing of three quick shots of Jameson, the purchasing of a new disco shirt and an emancipated night of bottle service at Marquee.

I know what you're thinking, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are way out ahead of the trend, so why should we care about the union of some guy we never heard of? Well, for starters, they aren't married, so it's a bit of canard. Combined, they've plowed through more Hollywood genitalia than Warren Beatty from the years 1961-75, so it just may be a ploy to keep their celebrity junk in play.

I, on the other hand, have been with the same lovely woman since 1991, 3.5 years before Jennifer Aniston stole our hearts as America's sweetheart Rachel Green.

I know your next objection, as well. No, this is definitely not a back-door ploy to indulge in some wee hours caterwauling. Let's be honest, the prospects for a 38-year-old, 38-waist, not-for-profit "blogger" are slim to none, and slim hasn't hit on a girl since the George H. W. Bush era. (And Slim generally had about as much success as Poppy did with the "Read my lips: no new taxes" gambit).

Now, if perchance, a twenty-something Conde Nast assistant wants to join the fight, then I will have no choice to but do my civic duty and let her take me where our progressive evening leads. (Memo: Keep the cat glasses on!)

The reality is, however, that my bewitching wife will be able to seal the progressive deal in the amount of time it will take me to stop sweating. But that's fine by me, nobody said changing more than two centuries of "tradition" would be easy.

In fact, I am so committed to the (un)legal divorce cause that I will do whatever it takes to reach equality. So, Rob Thomas, if you are reading, allow me to come over and work out the kinks in the big gay chip on your shoulder. I'll bring the scented oils, candles, champagne and a Matchbox 20 mixtape of totally non-homosexual hits like 3 A.M., Push, Back 2 Good and How Far We've Come.

People, I can't do this alone. I am calling on all straight married couples to join the (un)legal divorce movement. It's a lot more righteous than my previous plan to introduce a national "Free Fuck" holiday to liven up the dog days of August.

We Shall Overcome! (Again..and again...and again...)

Apropos of nothing, Godspeed Jay Bennett. The same-sex marriage debacle overshadowed your death, but know that you will be sorely missed. 2009-05-28-jb.jpg
I have no idea where your politics lay, but if your former bandmates offer any indication, I'm willing to guess that you weren't a Prop 8 guy. Whatever the case, I'm going to paraphrase a line or two off the opening track of your great Palace at 4am album.

Here's hoping civil rights comes quickly so that same-sex couples can "put back the pieces, of their puzzled hearts."

Your supportive (un)legal divorcee,

Patrick Sauer