06/11/2007 10:29 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Don't Let Paris Hilton Go Back to Her Roots

Judge Sauer, please, please, please don't make Paris Hilton stay in jail.

I don't care about her mental state -- the jail is full of crazies. If Sheriff Lee Baca has said it once, he's said it a thousand times: the jail is the biggest mental institution in the whole United States.

I'm not even thinking about the justice or injustice of her serving time.

All I care about is the fact that if Paris serves her full jail sentence, she'll come out a changed woman, all right:

She'll be a brunette -- again.

Do you know what a month without L'Oreal can do to a girl's hair?

Speaking as a brainy born-brunette from a long line of brainy brunettes, we don't want her back in our club. She's perfect as a dim-bulb blonde. Please, Your Honor, don't let her return to our brunette pool.. Let her swim in her own peroxide pond. Let her go back to her roots.