Judge Sauer, please, please, please don't make Paris Hilton stay in jail.
I don't care about her mental state -- the jail is full of crazies. If Sheriff Lee Baca has said it once, he's said it a thousand times: the jail is the biggest mental institution in the whole United States.
I'm not even thinking about the justice or injustice of her serving time.
All I care about is the fact that if Paris serves her full jail sentence, she'll come out a changed woman, all right:
She'll be a brunette -- again.
Do you know what a month without L'Oreal can do to a girl's hair?
Speaking as a brainy born-brunette from a long line of brainy brunettes, we don't want her back in our club. She's perfect as a dim-bulb blonde. Please, Your Honor, don't let her return to our brunette pool.. Let her swim in her own peroxide pond. Let her go back to her roots.