We spend a lot of time as parents (and an awful lot of time on parenting websites) exploring what kind of parents we want to be. The tendency to name "schools" of parenting is new to this generation. Our mothers were just mothers, not Attachment Mothers, or Free-Range Mothers, and, as we discussed yesterday, the name-your-parenting-after-an-animal trend is only about a year old (and, I would politely suggest, has run its course...)
I have been alternately amused and frustrated by this need we seem to have to give our philosophy a label -- or even to have a distinct philosophy at all. The closest I come to a belief system of my own is borrowed from a friend, Donnica Moore, who sums up parenting as: It All Depends On Everything.
Two essays on Huffington Parents today throw out the idea of "one way" or even a "semi-consistent way" and offer up -- actually CELEBRATE -- a view of parenting that is closest to Moore's.
Devon Corneal describes it here as "Sure of Nothing Parenting." She nails it (as usual).
And Patty Onderko calls it "Relativist Parenting." Her essay is below.
Whatever you call it (because, after all, names can change, and everything is relative...) these two women sum up the on-the-fly, never-the-same-river-twice, doing-the-best-you-can feeling of this thing we do -- whatever it is called -- that differs from child to child, day to day, and moment to moment. -- Lisa Belkin, Parentlode
I could be the worst parent in the history of the world. Or I could be the best. It's all relative. And that's my problem. Being a relativist and being a parent are hard ways of life to reconcile. Most likely, I'm a middle-of-the-road parent, but what's the middle of the road when it's relative to the relative best and the relative worst?
An example: I was crossing the actual (not proverbial) road with my 4-year-old twin boys the other morning when a turning car began honking at us. Here's a secret: I've long ago stopped forcing one of my sons to hold my hand while crossing streets. He rebelled so forcefully that our struggle actually put us at greater risk in the middle of the crosswalk. So I relented, and instead stood right next to him against oncoming traffic until we were safely to the other side. But the woman driving this car made it clear that I had made the wrong decision. She rolled down her window and screamed, "Hold his hand!!!" at me as she pointed emphatically to my unattached son. I was angry and defensive at the time, but later: Am I pansy parent who can't even uphold the supposed "non-negotiable" rules of childcare? Or am I a sensitive mom who wisely knows how to pick her battles? Honestly, I could go either way on that one. I flip-flop as of writing this.
Another example: I tell my other son (the one who does hold my hand crossing the street) one evening that it's time to put down the iPad. He whines convincingly and tells me that he's not done with his game yet and why does he have to turn it off now? I don't know really, I think. I don't want him to have too much of the notorious "screen time," but at the same time, I wonder, "Who am I? He's only been playing Angry Birds for 20 minutes and while 20 minutes is a lot more than, say, five, it's also a lot less than 60." Still, I enforce the power down, since I'm supposed to be consistent. But did I lose his trust as a reasonable parent who values his independent thinking? Again I think, "Who am I?"
I know, I'm his parent. And I need to step up and set boundaries. Kids feel more secure when there are rules and guidelines. Or do they? Isn't it relative to the child, the rules, and the person enforcing them? My kids seem to be relatively secure in their lives. But who am I to judge? My sense of comfortable and secure could be wildly different from theirs.
This second-guessing makes parenting, as you can see, a daily guessing game. One twin seems ready for a talk about the birds and the bees, but the other seems -- relative to his brother -- not. But how do I know if the first twin is really ready for the discussion, relative to his peers? It's a twisted rabbit hole of right and wrong, sensible and foolish, kind and cruel.
Where do I find my bearings, my parenting absolutes when I kinda, I'll admit, don't believe in anything for sure? Dr. Bill Sears is smart about nutrition, but I couldn't do attachment parenting with twins. The SuperNanny seems sensible, but that's probably because she doesn't have any kids. The American Academy of Pediatrics is authoritative, but definitely stuffy.
The term "expert" is completely relative. To wit, as a career parenting writer, I've been called an expert.
Do I even need to mention that I'm not sure whether or not I believe in a God?
It would be easy to say that what I believe in, ultimately, is my own love for my kids and my good intentions towards them. But I bet those parents who read To Train Up a Child and switch their infants feel they too have only the best intentions. And, of course, you may love your kids more than I love mine. How would I know?
But if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that I love my own kids more than anyone else loves them (in the future, when they meet life partners, I'll duke that issue out -- internally, of course -- with their respective choices), save their other mother. And I love them more than I have ever loved anyone before, save their other mother. I know this. And it's this I have to trust. That's where my parenting rabbit hole lands with a happy thud. I love my kids relative to nothing. And I do my relative best.
Sure, that doesn't help me when I'm trying to figure out how to discipline one when he nearly strangles the other for wrecking his block castle (he worked on it for so long!). But still.
You may think, or be enviably certain, that despite my love (doesn't everyone love their children?), I'm a lousy mother.
But who are you? Your opinion is...well, you know.
"You are not just raising your children. You are raising the parents of your grandchildren." If that doesn't give you shivers, I don't know what will.
My husband & I are lucky, we agree on core values (that have nothing to do with religion, btw....) and we parent by the seat of our pants, but all decisions revolve around those values.
It's hard and horrible and wonderful and miraculous all in the same moment!
(Re the street: I had to hold my daughter's hand outside until she was past 4--not so with 2 sons. She was fearless. If she wouldn't comply (her choice would have been running in the street), we turned around and went home. Having a support group, in the form of a parent participation preschool program with others as clueless as I was, allowed me to build my confidence)
Twins are a whole different story--they are a team and are very strong. A lot of support is needed--if anyone was shy about setting limits and is raising twins, they have get over their hesitation quickly.
Love the forum. www.grandparentoptions.com
And, btw, I have two very emotional, strong willed girls, and I have had to ignore (or try to) the judgmental stares of strangers, friends, in laws and even my own husband over the years and tell myself that they just don't know what I'm dealing with.
I like your take on all this. I relate.
When I used to write for the family/parenting section of a newspaper, I often interviewed a fairly prominent child psychologist in town. He seemed very smart and gave great answers to a wide range of topics. He didn't have any kids of his own, which never really made me pause until I became a father. And then through the years I thought about things he said and I realized that all the advice and expert insight in the world should be taken with a giant grain of salt.
That's not to say that childless people can't give great advice about raising kids. But you have to remember that what works on paper or in theory doesn't always work in real life because there are too many factors influencing you and your children.
You know your kids better than anyone. Trust in that, and don't ever let anyone tell that there is a magical age by which your kids must be off the bottle, or must be reading by, or should learn about the birds and the bees.
Instead of second-guessing everything, parents need to pay attention to their kids and the signals they send out, and do what seems right for them and the entire family.
It's just really important to develop these habits now, because since he's so smart, the classes he'll take will just get progressively harder. I'm sure you don't want him to sell himself short and not live up to his potential. I know teens don't respond well to pushing, but it's really important. My dad pushed me really hard, and at the time I hated him for it. Now, I'm thankful.
Do you tell them to stand off the corner as far as possible, not hugging the corner so a truck does not catch the curb and take them out with the side of the truck ? Those are the sort of things that I introduce to my children as they get older. Four is too young to drop their hand when crossing the street and do not see it as a reflection of a "good parent" but see it as a parent who is willing to risk their child's life at a street crossing. There is a time and a place to let go of your child's hand and a cross walk at age four is not one of them.
I honestly don't understand all of this weak-kneed, self-doubting, child negotiating, anxiety-filled, analysis of parenthood. Just set some priorities and principles -- preferbly some proven ones -- and go on about the business of being the very best parent you can be. Perfection is the antithesis of parenthood so save yourself a ton of stress by putting such notions out of your mind.
Take comfort in the fact that kids can be surprisingly resilent - you won't ruin them by forcing them to do things they don't want to do or by employing some latitude in giving them some space to grow. Every individual action does not necessarily embue a permanent life long lesson. It's the body of work in the aggregate which counts most. Well, that's my opinion anyway. Good luck to all.
well said!
It's a dance. And with all this recent talk of mindfulness and being "present," if you're dancing your heart out with your kid, that's all that matters. Toes get stepped on, you make a horrible move, look stupid, and so? The music doesn't stop. Bust another move and keep dancing.
Well said! I'm impressed, two (yours and the one above) great comments about parenting in a row. I'm going to remember this one.."the music doesn't stop" - wow, really, really nice. Thanks :)
i recognize humans as just another animal in the world, that being said western folks really are more like creatures in a zoo than fully realized free creatures. living in an artificial environment, generating money for the ones who feed and shelter them.
i realize it sounds insulting, and im sorry for that, but like i said i call it as i see it.
The realities of parenting today have the additional factor of our often isolated lifestyles (not that every nearby relative was a support system), and parents largely are "on their own" to figure out what really matters, what they value, how they will implement their values, and how to deal with less than agreement between themselves on important issues.
Seek serious reality training and understanding before you choose to become a parent! You won't regret it.
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