In an emergency Christmas Eve memo, Fox News executive producer Bill Sammon instructed his anchors not to include "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" among the victims in the war on Christmas.
"Let's face it", said Glenn Beck, "Rudolph doesn't have a blue, green, or purple nose, does he? It is red, and it glows, without burning any oil. That's not a coincidence, folks. If that isn't Communism trying to insinuate itself into children's minds," said Beck with tears streaming down his face, "I don't know what is".
"The Rudolph mantra is a liberal conspiracy," chimed in Sean Hannity. "The only fog on Christmas is created by liberals to get misfits like Rudolph a job," said Hannity. "Everything I see is clear and black-and-white".
"The glowing red light meant that he deserved my entrepreneur of the year award," said Fox analyst and political ponzi schemer, Newt Gingrich,.... "in exchange for dropping $5,000 in my Christmas stocking of course. Now, I'll have to take the award away".
"It's part of the gay agenda", explained Megyn Kelly, anchor and legal analyst, "and it worked". The other reindeers' welcoming Rudolf without forcing him to cover his nose for guiding Santa's sleigh was the logical precedent for allowing gays to serve openly in the military. They used Christmas against Christianity", said Kelly. "It was brilliant".
"Even more disturbing", said Beck, "is that Rudolph's story of an outcast being accepted promotes the social justice agenda, the policy that has eroded America's might and morals since the time of Theodore Roosevelt. You know, before TR, children did not have to be good to get gifts from Santa, all they had to do is believe in him."
"Don't worry about Rudolph", said Fox analyst, Sarah Palin. "It's time to show some leadership. Watch the next episode of my reality show".
In a related story, another conservative outlet, CNS, confirmed with Santa, through Barney Frank, that on December 26th, after being out all night and flying around the world, Rudolf would be showering with the other reindeer.
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