The pain in a Looking Good Family is muted behind a veil of appropriate psychological decorum. Language spoken is uplifting, designed to reference what is jovial, accomplished and radiant. Common discourse is tightly woven with hyperbole: "That's perfect!" "Absolutely right on!" "Just wonderful!" "Couldn't be better!" "That's magnificent!" "Absolutely beautiful!" "It's just right!" Verbal embellishments are typically accompanied by lavish compliments issued to non-family members. Recipients of such endorsements are supposed to remember by whom they got their egos massaged. If it's classy and supports image, then it's fitting protocol for the Looking Good Family.
Let's look more closely at some of the inherent dysfunctional characteristics of this family system:
*Augmenting image is prioritized. The family mandate is to do whatever it takes to promote the family's image. Hobbies, education, jobs, friends and lovers, clothing and automobiles all need to contribute appropriately to how the family is portrayed.
•Moratorium on authenticity. The message to family members is: "If you have feelings, beliefs or aspirations that do not favorably contribute to the family's image, do what you need to do in order to get rid of them." Authenticity is at least implicitly shamed.
•Repression of emotion. Emotions that threaten image are strongly discouraged. Anger, disgust, despair, vulnerability, bitterness and cynicism, etc. are all taboo. The natural consequence is that coping effectively with emotions is compromised. This can yield states of depression, often accompanied by reliance upon prescription drugs, street drugs and/or alcohol.
•Secrecy is valued. When family dynamics are obviously deteriorating, keeping them a secret from non-family members is strongly encouraged.
•Enmeshment with poor boundaries. In order to preserve the likelihood of maintaining the chosen image, family members are encouraged to comply with the prevailing values and beliefs. Individual preferences and opinions are discouraged as they run the risk of threatening the prescribed image.
•Denial of dysfunctional dynamics. Family members are encouraged to deny whatever dysfunctional patterns obviously detract from a desired depiction of family life. Conflicts, emotional struggles, failures, poor decisions and a lack of cooperation should be ignored.
Impact Upon Adult-Children
There are a number of serious repercussions involving those reared in a Looking Good Family.
1)The first consequence is about the child who makes a significant buy-in regarding the family's imperative to look good. The child's compliance with prioritizing image will at least periodically creates identity confusion, as he or she experiences the incongruence between image and genuineness. The compliant child typically becomes perfectionistic, striving to maintain and improve upon an idyllic image. The perfectionism guarantees a gnawing feeling of inadequacy. There can also be a strong attachment to vanity.
2)The second reaction is an attempt to move toward something real. It can set off a protest of the looking good script. The protest can be negligible such as hairstyle or attire. However, it can also reflect an entire lifestyle, including criminal behavior and prison-time. This latter act of dissent can be seriously self-sabotaging, with the adult-child never realizing that the behavior is a loud rejection of the norms of a Looking Good Family.
3)Another unconscious response can be conversion reactions, which happen as repressed emotional energy manifest as undiagnosed physical symptoms. This condition is usually due to internalizing anger and stress.
4)Adult-Children often experience confusion about image vs. reality. Even if they get clear about the dysfunction in their own families, discerning image from reality remains challenging. They can easily believe that the images presented by other families actually reflect the reality of those families.
5)There is often confusion about reliable criteria for choosing friends and life partners. Puzzlement in this area reflects a significant level of distortion about image vs. authenticity. Hence, there is limited discernment available for distinguishing persona or image from who the person actually is.
6)Anxiety and stress usually results from attempting to sustain an idyllic image.
The Healing of Looking Good
The healing challenge is to learn to let go of allegedly unblemished perceptions of life, as well as family and self, learning to accept the flawed nature of the human condition. There are several helpful steps in the healing process:
•Beginning to grasp that the healing process is not about moving from being exceptional to being damaged. Rather, it is transitional from what is fictional to what is authentically human.
•Generating acceptance that there is no one to blame. It is valuable to increase an understanding that the looking good dynamic is likely reflective of a family legacy. And as such, was a compensation for feeling inadequate and inferior.
•Uncoupling repression of emotion from the idea that repression is normal so we do not continue to believe that an impoverished emotional life is normal. The key being to normalize a full range of emotional experience.
•De-shaming authenticity. This begins by seeing the act of prioritizing image over authenticity as a wound, and likely a compensation for feelings of inadequacy. Lastly, telling the story of how we shamed being authentic. Making sure we tell the story to people we trust.
•Develop a greater capacity for discernment that helps distinguish image from reality when choosing friends and life partners. Some discerning questions include: Does this person know what brings meaning to his or her life? Is this person curious about what brings meaning to my life? Are they capable of being honest about limits, regrets and shortcomings? Do they live with gratitude? Are they materially and emotionally generous? Can they appreciate diverse views and perspectives?
•Learning to develop rapport with others by being honest and compassionate rather than by being impressive or fabricating inflated compliments.
It may be that the authentic life is never easily attained or even desired. It means we need to get straight with ourselves, learning to welcome less than exemplary qualities. Envy, arrogance, lethargy and vanity are typically exiled by the average ego. Once we are willing to drop the denial of these indigent parts of ourselves, the door opens to the genuine self, accompanied by a new depth of freedom. Our psychological task is to begin understanding how these darker elements helped us to negotiate an insecure and unpredictable journey. From such understanding, the buds of compassion may sprout, yielding a bountiful welcome to a larger self, finding its place in the human condition. Genuine acceptance of who we are takes the place of looking good.