Diners of the World, Unite!

SUBJECT: SEMANTIC RETALIATION FOR NON-SUPPORT OF U.S. POLICY

FROM: FRANK LUNTZ

TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS OF GOVERNMENT

With Italy calling for the arrest of 13 of our CIA agents, it has become clear that we must demonstrate our displeasure with their actions by extending our formerly popular and successful “Freedom Fries” campaign.

Hence, Italian sausage shall now be referred to as “Independence Sausage.”

In the anticipation of possible future hostility or non-cooperation from other countries, the following list has been compiled in order to minimize the time it will take members of the administration and congress to illustrate their displeasure with any non-cooperative nations.

In the event of international disagreement:

- Danish Pastry shall become Democracy Pastry
- Russian Dressing shall become Reagan Dressing
- Turkish Taffy shall become Triumph Taffy
- Hungarian Goulash shall become Halliburton Goulash (pending investigation – please check with A. Gonzales before using – could go with Homeland Security Goulash in a pinch)
- Spanish Omelets shall become Special Ops Omelets (“Special Opslets” is actually preferable but may prove too hard for general public to say)
- Greek Olives shall become Green Zone Olives (once again, “Green Zonlives” would be more semantically pleasing but, sadly, also a mouthful to pronounce)
- Canadian Bacon shall become Catastrophic Success Bacon (Karl, are we still using this term?)
- Irish Coffee shall become I’m With Bush Coffee (this might seem a bit wordy but if you say it quickly, we find it sort of works – practice in private before use is recommended)
-Korean Barbeque shall become Core Freedoms Barbeque (checking with legal now to make sure we can use “Freedom” in a non-French context – will advise)
- English Muffins shall become Egalitarian Muffins (may be too heady – Karl’s checking a thesaurus now for something with a bit more Joe-Six-Pack appeal)
- Vietnamese Spring Rolls shall become We Will Not Appease Spring Rolls (another one you might want to try out a few times in private before going in front of the cameras)
- Chinese Chicken Salad shall become Crawford Chicken Salad
- Mexican Casserole shall become Mission Accomplished Casserole (note: the ban on this phrase has been temporarily lifted for latest war PR campaign – however, make sure to consult with Pentagon on status of the war before repeating this one to the media)
- Mongolian Hot Pot shall become Missile Defense Hot Pot (assuming next system test is successful – if not, the odds of Mongolia taking a stand against us seems to be low – let’s agree to not sweat this one)
- Icelandic Cod shall become I Hate The U.N. Cod (still trying to tone this one down – use only in case of emergency)
- Swedish Meatballs shall become Swift Boat Meatballs (Karl, too retro? Please advise), and
- Belgian Waffles shall become Barney’s Waffles (take care not to refer to them as “Barney Waffles,” in order to avoid public misconception that said waffles are made out of Scottish Terrier byproducts).

Replacements for Scotch Whiskey, Japanese Eggplant, Swiss Chard, and German Chocolate Cake are forthcoming.

We are also currently checking with Paul McCartney to see if he would consider changing his song “Norwegian Wood” to “Negroponte Wood” (in the very unlikely event of a White House dinner dance).

And finally, in case American opinion continues to turn against our current policies, American Cheese has received approval to become Authoritarian Cheese. You know, just in case.