Let that fox into the henhouse!

Why are we pussyfooting around about this John Bolton guy? You know what? We really DO need some tough reforms at the UN, and this cat seems like just the bad ass mofo to do it. There's a lot of things over there that need to be reformed and it's high time somebody with a backbone and a supercool mustache reformed them.

Can I get a harrumph? Thank you. Now, let the reforms begin!

Okay, first of all, did you know that there's a lot of people in that building who don't even speak English? That people actually have to TRANSLATE what is being said for them? What kind of crap is THAT? I say that if Bolton comes around to your office and you can't hold a five-minute conversation with him about what bad shape the UN is in and what a waste of time you are for being there, then he has the right to toss your other-language-speaking butt out onto the street. And he’ll do it too. Have you seen the guy yell? That’s just the tip of the iceberg, friend. When Hurricane Bolton reforms you, you STAY reformed! Harrumph!

Secondly, let him chop off about ten stories from the place like he wants to. In fact, chop off another ten. That building completely blocks a really nice view of the water.

Third, change the name of the place. "United" Nations? That's a little too close to UNITED States for my tastes. Hey, we named our country first, you bunch of copycats. Is it THAT hard to find another word for "United"? You know, you might not have this useful little book in your native country but here in our country it's called a "Thesaurus." Check it out, Monsieur/Herr/Senor Plagiarist.

Fourth, I haven't even heard of about half of the countries that are members of the UN. I mean, who the heck is Andorra, Burkina Faso, Djibouti, Gabon, Kiribati, Malawi, Mauritius, Sao Tome, Seychelles, and Vanuatu, fer cryin' out loud? If a Princess Cruise ship doesn't stop there, then your country doesn't exist as far as me and my man Bolton are concerned. So, either get a more well-known name for your country or pack your bags and head back to it.

And, finally, I've seen a real dearth of American flag lapel pins on a lot of you. Hey, if I was in your country, I'd wear a pin on my lapel of YOUR country's flag. Um, or ... uh, actually I wouldn't. But you're in my country now and so you'd better play by my rules. Got that, comrade? “Love it or leave it,” you know what I’m saying?

So, get ready, all of you over there on First Avenue between 42nd and 48th Streets. There’s gonna be a new sheriff in town and he’s been feelin’ pretty grouchy about all of ya since he was in college. You can run, but you can’t hide. Because Bolton’s got a “closed” sign in one hand and a bottle of whoop ass in the other.

I just hope he doesn’t close it before next week. I’ve got some relatives coming into town and they’re dying to take the tour.