There was an interesting article in The New York Times recently about a new way psychologists are thinking about what factors contribute to happy and sustainable marriages. While the words "Jewish" and "intermarriage" don't appear anywhere in the piece, I couldn't help but notice that these new findings relate directly to the huge rise in interfaith marriages during the past several decades.
What these psychologists have found is that the strongest relationships are those in which both partners feel they are growing and benefiting as individuals. Today, "people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting. ... Individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called 'self-expansion.' Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship."
For years, "authority figures" in the Jewish community have claimed that the more two people have in common, the stronger their marriage will be -- and therefore single Jews should marry other single Jews just like themselves if they hope to avoid unhappy marriages. But all along I've heard from happily married interfaith couples that the best thing about their marriage is how much they've learned through each other's differences! And how exciting it is to enter a new culture and engage in new experiences.
I've personally experienced this in my own marriage, having visited my wife's homeland of Japan eight times and always thoroughly enjoyed the fascinating and unique experience of being a "stranger in a strange land." Granted not everyone loves those kinds of experiences, but many people do. And that kind of exploration of another culture has in no way diminished my own Jewish identity; in fact, it's strengthened it because I've had to reciprocate by serving as "tour guide" into Jewish life for my Japanese wife.
The article continues, "Over time, the personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle. Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who isn't. A partner who is an active community volunteer creates new social opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work."
It turns out that differences between partners can actually complement and strengthen a marriage. If divorce really is statistically higher among interfaith marriages (debatable), here's yet another reason why it is wrong to assume a simple cause-and-effect relationship between the breakup and the couple's different religious backgrounds. This adds yet another reason why the Jewish community needs to change its standard narrative about intermarriage.
Follow Paul Golin on Twitter: www.twitter.com/paulgolin
Paul Golin: God's Covenant, Judaism and Interfaith Marriage
What Is Wrong with Intermarriage? - Key Jewish FAQ's
Interfaith marriage in Judaism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Judaism 101: Jewish Attitudes Toward Non-Jews
The Emotional Challenges of Interfaith Marriage | Psych Central
*Chanukkah bush is an American invention. There is no Jewish source to the trend.
Passover too is a holiday celebrating the redemption of a nearly lost identity. In Egypt, the Jewish people retained only three things from their heritage: their dress, their language, and their names. This holiday is supposed to demonstrate the greatest level of redemption, from the deepest depths to the greatest heights. The culmination is in regaining a nationhood that was almost lost to assimilation. It is in reinstating the Jewish identity, which is then refined (essentially through trial and error on the part of the nation) in the rest of the book. If the lowest of the low is in a condition of slavery and the Jewish people were still able to maintain those three things, where does the current situation of American Jewry rate on the scale?
The whole situation is just a little ironic to me. They are, however, both fun holidays so the more the merrier, I guess.
After all what were once just another group of Canaanites were changed by experiences under Babylonian rule, then Persian, then Hellenised (which had a massive effect), Roman and finally the Diaspora. To take the cliched image of an Orthodox Jew for example; black hats and big coats aren't exactly desert wear.
But I do know what you mean, it is scary as my nation Ireland seems to lose some of its unique character too as it joins the modern world.
Of course, there's no such thing as a single answer to this issue. Some people will find that spouses from the same culture or religion work best for them, while others, like Mr. Golin, will find satisfaction with someone very different from their own background. There's nothing wrong with that. We live in a world where each of us has the chance to meet many more kinds of people than our ancestors did and that increases the likelihood that we'll fall in love with and build relationships with very different people. It's time for religious communities to update their teachings to reflect this reality.
in reviewing some comments made, i have an idea why divorce is so prevalent.
please continue to educate us!!
maggie
Your insight is applicable to other faiths as well.
I applaud you for your stand and wish you and your wife many years of continued happiness.
I believe the article was written by Paul Golin, not Paul Golin and Associates.
I mention your error to illustrate that in human relationships, it is best to strive for harmony rather than perfection.
Its OK if my wife won't get into cycling like me, or, be willing to travel at the drop of a hat. What is certainly important is shared values, a deficit of selfishness, and a common approach to working out the issues that confront a marriage each and every day. My wife grew up on in the mid-west, in a tiny town, on a farm. Her parents were Lutherans, of Norwegian extraction. I grew up in New York City, to first generation Italian American parents. We couldn't be more different! Yet, somehow, we make it all work.
christianty is no more monolithic than any other religion.
I'm currently in a relationship with a Jewish man. I am an Episcopalian. I don't think he's going to go to hell because he hasn't accepted "Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ", and I'm certainly not interested in converting him to Christianity! He's not interested in converting me to Judaism either. He attends services with me when I am singing, and I go to services with him when he wants me to. I think we'll be just fine, and if we're not, it won't have a thing to do with this.
Until you have kids that is, and then we'll see how you feel about in which tradition they should be raised. BTW, kids raised in both religions, and than told to choose when they are ready or become adults, usually choose no religion, as choosing makes the child feel that they are choosing/loving one parent more than the other.
I spent most of my life in no religion, and chose the one I did very consciously, and after much study. I would hope my daughter would do the same, and I will happily expose her or allow to expose herself to any religion or system of thought in which she shows an interest. At the very least she will understand that good people can believe different things.
you and your beloved will make your own traditions of acceptance and understanding.