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Paul Krassner

Paul Krassner

Posted: October 18, 2006 01:49 PM

Porn Provides Product Placement


Of course it's tragic when *anybody* gets AIDS, but in the porn industry, when a couple of actors tested positive for HIV--then it was four, then it was six--you might remember that various producers actually had to stop production while all their actors were getting tested. What you probably *didn't* know, though, is that in order to make up for the funds which were lost during the delay, they decided that when they started producing again, their new features would garner extra income by including product placement.

"If it's good enough for *American Idol,* said one porn producer, referring to the mandatory drinking of Coca-Cola by the three judges on that show, "then it's good enough for us."

"How do you know that was product placement?" his partner asked. "You're just cynical. You probably think that Bob Dole got paid by the Papermate Pen company for always holding that pen in his crippled hand."

"No, I'm not *that* cynical," replied the first producer. "Dole fought in World War II, and a rocket launcher *embedded* that pen in his hand."

In any case, these producers became the first in the business to experiment with product placement for extra revenue. A beautiful young woman is masturbating with a clearly labeled Hitachi Magic Wand. "This vibrator is not just for my clit," she says to the camera between moans. "It can stimulate erogenous zones I didn't even know I had."

Thus was the ice broken. Another entrepreneur presented a muscular man using a feather duster to cover his cock and balls and asshole with edible honey dust powder. When his girlfriend gives him a combination blow job and rim job, the viewer can't help but notice a close-up of the popular Kama Sutra logo.

The CEO of NextMedium, which has launched a product placement marketplace called Embed, states that, "To date, product placement has been opportunistic and Rolodex based. Our goal is to establish brand integration as an ad category." To meet that goal, a product could be written--that is, entrenched--into a story line.

Along those lines, in order to give a particular scene a certain organic feel, where product placement must be integral to the plot, a porn director arranged for a couple to use a sex machine built for two, with the male playing the role of an activist salesman. "This the Televibe 8100," he explains to her as they proceed to undress. "It can be operated remotely either by telephone or over the Internet." She asks, "How does it work?"

"Well, you just hook it right into the phone, and it's controlled by this keypad, no matter how far we are away from each other. We could be anywhere in the world. For now, I'll simply go into the other room. Here, I'll show you." He puts a Foxy Lady vibrating pussy sleeve on his erect penis and goes into the other room. However, it doesn't work because the necessary four triple-A batteries were not included. They both have a hearty laugh over his mistake and then they just get in bed to fuck like mad in the good old-fashioned way.

A similar theme was developed in the porn equivalent of a Tupperware Party. A pair of lesbians have a go at it with the Penthouse Snap-On Strap-On. A group of women take turns dirty dancing on the Johnny Lonely stripper pole. They take time out to have a discussion about the war on pleasure. "Sex toys are banned in seven states, including Texas and Alabama," complains one luscious babe. "Well," says another, "I'm from Australia, and not only are sex toys legal there, but prostitutes, strippers and lap dancers can claim tax deductions for condoms, lubricants, gels and oils."

Indeed, another porn movie also manages to slip in a bit of educational dialogue. The girl is waiting in her home for the proverbial pizza delivery boy. "Hi, honey," he says, "I know that you're at the height of fertility, so I brought your favorite Trojan, the one that has ribbing and a French tickler on the reservoir." "Oh," she responds, "that's so thoughful of you. But, you know, just to avoid any irritation, I have the bottle of Astroglide lubricant."

And then, he says, "Listen, I'm going out of town for a week, but I also brought this Clone-a-Willy kit, so we can make an exact vibrating rubber copy of my dick for you to use while I'm away." "Wow," she exclaims, stroking the real thing to nice, solid hardness. "This is really a very romantic gesture."

So, this porn producer asks his partner, "You think we can make a product placement deal with Rolex for our next fisting flick?"

"Nah, because it wouldn't be *visible."*

"It's visible if you wear it above your elbow."

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