THE BLOG
08/26/2013 06:38 pm ET Updated Oct 26, 2013

Does Your Barista Have a Problem With 'Heavy Milky Hands?'

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a Larry David movie...or maybe it's Jerry Seinfeld. Same thing, right?

Witness this morning's coffee run at a little indie place near where I work. I walked in and noticed that the female barista is the same one who made my iced skim latte way too milky last week, so milky that I threw out most of it. I don't enjoy throwing out coffees that cost $4.50 plus tip. (You gotta tip; how else would the baristas afford their tattoos and piercings?)

Everyone else at this coffee shop and the world for that matter, makes iced skim lattes exactly the way I like. I never have to say a word. I'm not the guy who asks for the half-soy latte with a touch of foam.

But see, I knew this particular barista was someone who liked to go heavy on the milk. In fact, I think she was suffering from what I like to call 'heavy milky hands.' My wife has the same thing...it's the curse of putting too much milk in coffee. As my mother used to say, 'If I wanted milk, I'd have milk.' It's why I drink coffee black but I still like the occasional iced skim latte in the hot weather.

I couldn't decide whether I should say something before my drink was made. Maybe last time was a fluke after all so I let it go. But the moment she put my drink out, it was clearly way too milky. So I told her 'too milky' and asked for another. I could tell she was pissed that I dared not coo over her 'product' but when you're an artist, them's the breaks.

I was about to tell her she suffered from 'heavy milky hands' because I figured she'd want to know, right? I thought about it for the long wait until she made me another drink but, unlike Larry David, I bit my tongue. That's a lot more than I can say for the couple who pistol-whipped a Dunkin' Donuts worker who gave them caramel instead of vanilla!! See, I'm not so unreasonable.

Then I looked over and noticed the guy next to me was wearing the exact same loud, black and blue pattered shirt as I was. Let me tell you, this is a unique shirt. I bought it in an airport so I should know.

I poked him in the arm and pointed to my shirt and then his. He looked at me and said, 'Oh yeah, I didn't have much time this morning to get dressed.' Really?

I just told him he had really good taste!