Ask Pastor Paul: Spiritual Advice for the Real World.
Have a spiritual question, ethical dilemma or religious curiosity? Don't be shy! People of all backgrounds, ages and creeds are encouraged to submit questions to askpastorpaul@huffingtonpost.com.
Dear Pastor Paul,
An atheist and a Jew walk into a bar ... and get married ... and have a kid. We never had an issue with religion until the subject of what to do with our daughter came up. Either you raise a child believing in God or you don't, there isn't really a middle ground. We had started to come upon a consensus that the Jewish holidays would be celebrated for a family unity thing, but then she said that she didn't want me to tell our daughter I am an atheist. I refused and said I couldn't simply lie to her all her life. This is where our impasse stands. Any suggestions?
Dear Friend,
Whether in a religious or secular household, every set of parents will make decisions about how to instill their values and beliefs in their children. The teaching can range from ethical mandates and cultural identity, to questions of 'ultimate truth.'
Even when both parents are from one tradition they will never believe exactly the same thing on these crucial and complicated questions. So, raising a child always involves compromise between the parents, as well as some acknowledgement that, in the end, the child is going to believe what she or he believes, no matter what you teach them. Want proof? Ask any preacher about what their kids believe -- 'preachers kids' are infamously naughty.
You say 'either you raise a kid believing there is a God or you don't and there isn't middle ground.' But maybe there is. Instead of approaching your daughter with a negation of the belief in God that your wife is attempting to instill, why not teach your daughter about what does give you inspiration and wisdom to live a good life. While your wife can talk about the teachings, rituals, and texts of her Jewish faith, you can talk about the wonders of science, or the knowledge of the secular philosophers, or the inspiration and aesthetics of the great artists.
Your wife should not restrict you from teaching your child about what you hold to be most important, just as the focus of your teaching should not be reduced to the mere negation of what your daughter has just learned from her mother. At some point, she will assuredly ask you what you think about God. You do not have to lie. But try to answer in a way that respects your wife's beliefs, while saying that you believe in these other things.
Whatever you do, don't make your daughter the battleground of your (a)theological debate.
Ultimately, your daughter may be all the richer for having grown up in what is essentially an inter-faith household, learning from what both the secular and the sacred worlds have to teach us.
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The question asker has a thing or two to learn as well. Being a Jew isn't about believing in God; it's about trying to be a good and learned person and make the world a better place. There are plenty of Jews who don't believe in God. Even if you try telling your little girl there's a God, she'll develop her own beliefs for herself, and ultimately you can't control what she thinks.
You can raise your kid as a humanist with a good ethical foundation and a healthy intellect who just happens to know how to read Hebrew, cook latkes and blintzes and lokshen kugel and how to appreciate the jokes Jews tell each other, and don't sweat it. She'll respect her dad if he's a decent character whether he believes in God or not.
“Atheism is more than just the knowledge that gods do not exist, and that religion is either a mistake or a fraud. Atheism is an attitude, a frame of mind that looks at the world objectively, fearlessly, always trying to understand all things as a part of nature.”
But the best thing is to set a good example. Like the Good Samaritan did.
This. This. This.
Seriously. I often get the feeling from atheists that they spend a lot of time trying to "disprove" or "negate" religion/religious beliefs. But just as with any negativity, you get what you put in.
By advocating the positivity that can be gained by the things that define your values as an atheist, I think the pastor is making a point I think most atheists either ignore or just don't get. It shouldn't be about telling people that they're wrong, but about showing them how they can view life through a different lens. It should be about expanding knowledge, not trying to prove how the other person (in this case, a religious person) is wrong.
I fear that many atheists get caught up in the negativity, and it turns a lot of people off of atheists/atheism, which isn't fair to the atheists who are just trying to live their lives peacefully or atheism in general. Much in the way feminism has become "demonized" (with women often depicted as angry, butch, man-hating monsters), I worry that atheists are allowing themselves to be pigeon-holed as simply religion-haters.
When I was searching, my wife didn't force me into her beliefs. She just told me about the assurace that she had in what Christ had done for her. That it didn't depend on what she did...but what He did. This, to me, seemed anti-religion...and I was drawn to that freedom.
Thanks.
I wish it had been harder for my mother to saddle us with those fears. I couldn't do it to my kids.
With my own kids, I answer their questions about religions, and they've always been free to choose to be religious or not. So far they have had no interest in going to church or joining any organized religion.
To me, religion and tradition are burdens, best cast away once no longer useful.
Bottom line is this - you don't lie to your kids. Remind the wife about that commandment that forbids lying.
Should they send their daughter to hebrew school? Schul a few times a week? Conservative, reform synagoagues?
You cannot both raise your daughter in that kind of Judaism and not do so. If she doesn't learn the Hebrew and prayers and stories, she won't fully identify, won't be bat mitzvahed and so on. (Of course, one could potentially learn this later, but it's incredibly more unlikely, you'd go through most of your upbringing, school, college etc. without practicing the rituals and so on).
But if you do raise her in a synagogue, she'll say prayers that she doesn't even understand, things she might not agree with. Hence the challenge of using Hebrew.
As a child, I was perturbed to find the language about god solely masculine, as well as the terrible things from scripture and history they covered up, as well as the biased introduction to religion and religious beliefs.
I know for many of my peers, it was our unpleasant Jewish educations that turned us off from religion. So the irony is, if you send your daughter to schul for 10 years, she may very well turn out an atheist.
However, since these two already chose to get married, it is best that they teach the child solid biblical truths. Maybe one day the daughter will lead them both to Jesus. Then, this entire situation will be redeemed.
Jesus is the way. I didn't make that up, just passing it along.
In this mass of theology that is in conflict and in practice -- and all swear to be divine ..............
1) What is the truth?
2) And is salvation something worth seeking?
A must view (film) "Lee Strobel 'The Case for Christ.'" Documentary of a fire breathing atheist, a journalist by profession -- his personal investigation of the evidence for Jesus. Truly the best due-diligence in investigative reserach ever undertaken!
Can be view @Netflix.com -- They have a free trial worth joining for the viewing!
Instead of simply assuming that there is a god, try looking at it from this perspective: what need have we for a god when other ways of explaining the universe are so much more useful?