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"Scapegoat": The Dan Rather Quiz

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1) For what "embarrassing and regrettable error in judgment" did Dan Rather apologize in 2001?
a) He was captured on a satellite feed obsessing about whether or not he should have washed his hair.
b) He spoke at a Democratic fundraiser in Austin, though he claimed that he didn't know the event was a fundraiser until he got there, though he should have since his daughter was one of the sponsors.
c) He played golf with O. J. Simpson.

2) Who said, "Everybody blinks -- it's like swallowing -- but not Dan...He makes me uncomfortable"?
a) Bryant Gumbel.
b) David Brinkley.
c) Walter Cronkite.

3) Which R.E.M. album contained the song whose title was based on a peculiar 1986 incident in which Dan Rather was accosted on Park Avenue by two well-dressed men who beat him up while repeatedly asking, "Kenneth, what is the frequency"?
a) Automatic For The People.
b) Out Of Time.
c) Monster.

4) What pissed Dan Rather off so much in 1987 that he walked off the set of his broadcast, causing CBS to "go black" for six minutes?
a) The network's decision to delay his newscast in order to show the end of a women's semi-final tennis match.
b) The network's insistence that he do more stories about Michael Jackson's plastic surgeries.
c) The network's decision to saddle him with Connie Chung as co-anchor.

5) During coverage of the 1987 Iran-contra hearings, how did Dan Rather accidentally refer to fanatic Oliver North?
a) "Oliver Twist."
b) "Oliver Nark."
c) "Oliver Stone."

6) With which word did Dan Rather sign off his nightly broadcast for one weird week in 1986?
a) "Spunk."
b) "Courage."
c) "Guts."

7) Complete Dan Rather's election night description of the 2000 presidential race: "This race is tight like _______________________________"
a) a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach.
b) the lid of a jar you can't open.
c) two homosexuals in a men's room stall.

ANSWERS: 1) b 2) a 3) c 4) a 5) b 6) b 7) a

Paul Slansky's quizzes will be a regular feature on 23/6 (236.com), the new satiric news site coming soon to a computer screen near you.