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Steal My Sh*t?: The O.J. Quiz

05/25/2011 12:15 pm ET
  • Paul Slansky Paul Slansky is amassing a memory for Americans allergic to accountability and addicted to amnesia.

1) Complete O. J. Simpson's quote in an interview with Esquire: "Let's say I committed the crime. Even if I did do this, it would have to have been because ___________________"
a) I was extremely provoked.
b) I loved her very much.
c) I'm a homicidal psychopath.

2) Who is Ruby Wax?
a) The restaurant owner that O. J. Simpson shook down for $500 after she refused him service because her other customers threatened to leave rather than dine in the same room with a man they believed to be an absurdly acquitted double murderer.
b) The Florida police officer who took the hysterical 911 call that 17-year-old Sydney Simpson placed after she had an argument with her father.
c) The BBC interviewer that O. J. Simpson, while mugging insanely for the camera, pretended to stab repeatedly with a banana.

3) In an interview with ESPN, who did O. J. Simpson say "went through similar things" to his own ordeal?
a) The Menendez brothers.
b) The Manson girls.
c) Jesus and Moses.

4) True or false? After lawyer F. Lee Bailey revealed that his client O. J. Simpson had failed a 1994 polygraph test, Simpson claimed to have never taken one but offered to do so on 60 Minutes or 20/20.

5) Who is Jeffrey Pattinson?
a) One of the police officers who searched O. J. Simpson's Florida home in connection with allegations of money laundering, drug dealing, and stealing satellite TV signals.
b) The driver who flicked his lights at O. J. Simpson's SUV as it cruised through a stop sign, prompting Simpson to leap out of his car, reach into the other car, and rip the man's sunglasses off, scratching his face in the process.
c) The lawyer who said that, for the right price, O. J. Simpson would pose for a tenth-anniversary photo shoot in front of the murder scene.

6) What did O. J. Simpson's girl friend Christie Prody do a month after breaking up with him and telling the Enquirer that he often described the murders while high on coke, that he was stalking her, and that she was afraid he was going to kill her?
a) She dyed her hair black and gained twenty pounds to make herself less recognizable to him.
b) She moved to New Zealand.
c) She got back together with him.

7) True or false? In a 2001 New Yorker profile of O. J. Simpson, his lawyer Yale Galanter said, "I envision a day when O.J. will again be a celebrity spokesman in the mainstream of commerce."

8) What was the name of the hidden-camera TV show O. J. Simpson was trying to sell in which he would play pranks on people?
a) Sliced
b) Juiced
c) Hacked

9) On the occasion of the tenth anniversary of the murders, to which shameless provider of national television time did O. J. Simpson say that he didn't really think there was such a thing as date rape, that the TV exposure Fred Goldman got as a result of his son's murder provided him with great career opportunities, and that he was mad at Nicole for not being around to help him raise his kids.
a) Fox News's Greta Van Susteren.
b) NBC's Katie Couric.
c) Court TV's Catherine Crier.

10) What did O. J. Simpson tell People magazine about women who heckle him in public?
a) "I see their husbands trying to get them to shut up, and I understand why men get into fights with women."
b) "I just laugh because I know it means they want me so bad they have to hide it even from themselves."
c) "They only do it because I murdered two people."

ANSWERS
1) b, 2) c, 3) c, 4) False. He offered to take one on a pay-per-view TV special, 5) b, 6) c, 7) Laughably true, 8) b, 9) a, 10) a

Paul Slansky's quizzes will be a regular feature on 23/6 (236.com), the new satiric news site coming soon to a computer screen near you.

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