Wide Stance: the Larry Craig Quiz

1) How did Larry Craig respond to the allegation by a gay man that Craig "cruised" him for half an hour in a Boise REI store in 1994?

a. "What did he say? That I 'cruised' him? What is that, some kind of gay talk?"
b. "I don't go around anywhere hitting on men, and by God, if I did, I wouldn't do it in Boise, Idaho! Jiminy!"
c. "It's just my bad luck to be the type of man whose lewd actions are constantly being misconstrued as inappropriate."

2) Who is Leroy Williams?

a. The man who claimed to have had oral sex with Larry Craig in 2004 in a men's room in Washington's Union Station.
b. The man who claimed that Larry Craig came on to him in 1967 when they were in college.
c. The man whose claims in 1982 to have had sex with three Congressman when he was 17 prompted Larry Craig to issue a statement saying he wasn't one of them, even though no one had said he was.

3) True or false? You could scour the planet and never find a single heterosexual man wrongly accused of a homosexual act that would plead guilty "in hopes of making it go away."

4) What did Larry Craig say was one of the main things that led him to enlist in Mitt Romney's presidential campaign?"

a. "Have you seen him? My God, he's a beautiful man. Not that I'm gay or anything, because I'm not, but anyone with a pulse would be attracted to him."
b. "First and foremost, he has very strong family values. That's something I grew up with and believe in."
c. "Well, I'm certainly not going to support Giuliani. Did you know he once roomed with gay men? And when I say gay men, I mean men who are the exact opposite of me. Men who have sex in public bathrooms rather than in bed with their wives like I do."

5) Complete the opening line of Larry Craig's statement to reporters about his total lack of gayness: "Thank you all very much for ________________________"

a. coming out today.
b. making sure that the phrase 'wide stance' will be in the first paragraph of my obituary.
c. giving me the opportunity to repeat over and over again that I am not gay, I have never been gay, and I will never be gay. And anyone who doesn't believe it can blow me in a toilet stall.

ANSWERS: 1) b, 2) c, 3) True, 4) b, 5) a

Paul Slansky's quizzes will be a regular feature on 23/6 (236.com), the new satiric news site coming soon to a computer screen near you.

Comments

[scoopdjour]

I think impeachNOW is right on!
Bill had one woman blow him, but Bush is screwing us all and it's just fine.

[BetterDeadthanRedState]

For those of you keeping hypocritical pervert score at home, that's Republicans 438, Democrats 4.

[Xtine]

Thank you for clarifying this - I'd been wondering.

[buddhistMonkey]

See?? Democrats do it, too!! It's a BIPARTISAN problem!

[DavidGetsInvolved]

Vote then all out.

Let them know your opinion.

House:

http://clerk.house.gov/member_info/index.html

Senate:

http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

[PoliceState]

I noticed the same thing while watching his press conference live on MSNBC. His first line: Thank you all for coming out today. I almost fell out of my chair.

This guy is one Freudian slip after another.

BTW, your last line was hilarious!

Thanks.

[TucsonEd]

How come we don't require our elected officials to take a lie detector test every time they open thier mouth? You have to pass one to be a 911 operator and they don't have as much power.

[klmebane]

*How come we don't require our elected officials to take a lie detector test every time they open thier mouth? You have to pass one to be a 911 operator and they don't have as much power*


good fucking point!!!

[HamletsMill]

Excellent point! Also sounds like a good skit for SNL. All the candidates wired up to "lie detectors " in a "debate". Have it in a Youtube "debate formate" with video questions. Have Senator Craig, Senator Vitter, the D.C. Madam et all as the Youtube video questioners.

[BetterDeadthanRedState]

That's odd! When it comes to gay rights he has a very narrow stance.

[TRYKER]

Clever! LOL

[Uselessboy]

Well he's NOT the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy.

[pencilpusher]

I have a question. If you are sitting down on a toilet with your pants around your ankles, how are you able to move your feet apart far enough to get one under the divider? There's no way to take a dump with a wide stance. He would have to have been sitting on the toilet with his pants on. So why was he in the stall?

[webmind]

Hi pencilpusher. Good questions. He was in the stall to elicit sex from the man in the stall next to him. As to the first question, if you were sliding your right foot under the divider, you would move your left foot over towards the divider. Hope this helps!

[BamaRainbow]

As I understand the system (not that I've actually engaged in the program itself), you *angle* yourself on the toilet seat so that at least one foot is close to the other stall. Also, worth noting is the fact that it all depends on the size of the stall itself. In most public facilities that I've had to use (convention centers, reststops, department stores), the stall is only about 4 feet wide (which is ample room to maneuver a single foot towards another stall even with one's pants around the ankles). Now, obviously, this is much more difficult to accomplish in a handicapped stall (which is designed to be much wider, and usually much longer, than a regular stall), but not impossible.
In general, though, if you can move your upper body towards a stall divider while seated on a toilet, you can move your feet in that direction as well (especially if motivated). Also, it should be remembered that if you're on the toilet for cruising purposes, you're NOT worried about the bodily functions for which the toilet is intended so movement is much less restricted than you'd think.
It's also worth mentioning that it really depends on the type of pants--jeans offer a bit less give than slacks (and somehow, I don't think Mr Craig was wearing jeans at the time). In most cases, though, this is very easy to hometest. Just put on a pair of pants and sit on a chair which allows your feet to reach the floor comfortably, and pull the pants down around your ankles. Place something on the floor to represent the stall divider (on either side or both sides), and move one foot towards that divider. If you haven't set the "divider" too far away, you should be able to reach it with minimal difficulty.

[texasblue]

I know now never to tap my feet in a bathroom stall.

[Cybershaman]

I don't know, maybe we should ALL start tapping our feet in bathroom stalls. Think about how much that would mess with the conservative mindset.

[zendem1]

(sung to the tune of "Impossible dream"

To scream, in an airport latrine
to sight, an unsightable schlong,
to tap, on the walls that are hearing,
to blow, where real gays dare not blow...

[emariejon]

OMG I can't stop laughing.....

[LiberalLibertarian]

Awesome comment!

[plutorage]

The Republican apostolic creed
I believe:
The surge is working
The free market always works
Our health care system is number one world wide
Earth is 2500 years old like the Bible says
I am not gay

[PoliceState]

That was good.

I would, respectfully, disagree on the Bible part. The Abrahamic peoples believe the world to be around 6,000 years old. I trust this to be true out of religious faith.

But your other points were right on and very funny.

Thanks.

[JGatsby]

"The Abrahamic peoples believe the world to be around 6,000 years old. I trust this to be true out of religious faith."

Do you also believe that the Sun revolves around the Earth? (The old testament says that "God stoped the Sun" not vice versa during a battle, I believe it was the battle of Jericho.) If not why not? If you do, how do you square that with the incrediby reliable, proven models of the solar system that can predict eclipses, etc?

And in fact there is just as much geological evidence that demonstrates incontrovertably that the Earth is billions of years old not a few thousand.

[HamletsMill]

Sorry. It's esoteric. The Aion (the World Age) is 6,000 years old. That is a whole different understanding than literal fundamentalism and leads to a whole different understanding of things. All the religions of the Middle East are systems of encoded astronomy and profound esoteric depth psychology.

I suggest this book:

http://www.robertschoch.net/The%20Temple%20of%20Man.htm

There is a huge Universe out there to try to comprehend.

Enjoy!

[magi]

The next statement from Larry Craig will be that,like Michael Vick, several serial killers and the Enron brain-trust, he has found God. And that God forgives -- so why don't the rest of you liberal preverts get off his case already. Okay, maybe he should have held out for a men's room stall in Vegas where what happens in stays in. But that shouldn't keep an upstanding guy like Larry out of the Senate. What is one little toe-tapping come-on in a Minnesota loo against a lifetime of fighting gay marriage, gay rights and the sinister gay conspiracy, aimed at corrupting not only our youth but our nattional leaders? Who better to lead the Republican crusade for clean restrooms, family values and the missionary position than a God-fearing Senator who's spent years in the closet, boning up on the gay agenda,

[Annoula]

That's right!
First find Jesus
Next stop... REHAB!!!!

[freedomis]

magi,this was a clasic,I'm still laughing. Tony

[azphil]

Would that be the wide stance missionary position?

[TankerRat]

Anatomicaly impossible. Sorry to disappoint you azphil

[halfnhalf]

I thought he was sitting down, not standing up as in "wide stance."

[BetterDeadthanRedState]

That's what I was thinking, too. Now if it had been me, I would have blamed it on restless leg syndrome.

[LiarLiarIraqsOnFire]

One of the side effects caused by the 'RLS' drug is hyper-sexuality. Google it!

[lisakaz]

I could see why travellers would complain about an old fart like Craig trolling for conquests if not "trade." As a female though, I gotta add: that MN cop is a hottie. I don't think I'd go into a men's room to tell him tho...

[ImpeachmentNOW]

.

I believe the Honorable Senator Craig when he says he is not "gay". He is just a Fu*kin PERVERT!!!

I finally understand why the Gross-Old-Perverts, like Craig, got so unset about Bill Clinton's BJ - they are repulsed by heterosexual behavior. To them, anything other than a disgusting men's room tryst is "abnormal", "deviant" sexual behavior.
.