Wide Stance: the Larry Craig Quiz

1) How did Larry Craig respond to the allegation by a gay man that Craig "cruised" him for half an hour in a Boise REI store in 1994?

a. "What did he say? That I 'cruised' him? What is that, some kind of gay talk?"
b. "I don't go around anywhere hitting on men, and by God, if I did, I wouldn't do it in Boise, Idaho! Jiminy!"
c. "It's just my bad luck to be the type of man whose lewd actions are constantly being misconstrued as inappropriate."

2) Who is Leroy Williams?

a. The man who claimed to have had oral sex with Larry Craig in 2004 in a men's room in Washington's Union Station.
b. The man who claimed that Larry Craig came on to him in 1967 when they were in college.
c. The man whose claims in 1982 to have had sex with three Congressman when he was 17 prompted Larry Craig to issue a statement saying he wasn't one of them, even though no one had said he was.

3) True or false? You could scour the planet and never find a single heterosexual man wrongly accused of a homosexual act that would plead guilty "in hopes of making it go away."

4) What did Larry Craig say was one of the main things that led him to enlist in Mitt Romney's presidential campaign?"

a. "Have you seen him? My God, he's a beautiful man. Not that I'm gay or anything, because I'm not, but anyone with a pulse would be attracted to him."
b. "First and foremost, he has very strong family values. That's something I grew up with and believe in."
c. "Well, I'm certainly not going to support Giuliani. Did you know he once roomed with gay men? And when I say gay men, I mean men who are the exact opposite of me. Men who have sex in public bathrooms rather than in bed with their wives like I do."

5) Complete the opening line of Larry Craig's statement to reporters about his total lack of gayness: "Thank you all very much for ________________________"

a. coming out today.
b. making sure that the phrase 'wide stance' will be in the first paragraph of my obituary.
c. giving me the opportunity to repeat over and over again that I am not gay, I have never been gay, and I will never be gay. And anyone who doesn't believe it can blow me in a toilet stall.

ANSWERS: 1) b, 2) c, 3) True, 4) b, 5) a

Paul Slansky's quizzes will be a regular feature on 23/6 (236.com), the new satiric news site coming soon to a computer screen near you.

Comments

[Dunnage]

What about the officer? What is his job. Ah, Jim, this is one of those plain clothes assignations. So out of the unnie and into the civvies -- head out to the airport and hang around the bathroom, well, maybe you should post yourself in a stall, gonna have to go into the pants down sitting disguise. And then, Jim, you know, wait for the signal.

[nutty4tahoe]

The officer was sent to the men's room pursuant to someone's complaint that there was a guy in there behaving in a lewd manner.....

[bowserbois]

yeah, but was he cute?

[Secure214]

Why are conservatives asking for his resignation and not David Vitter? I think it's bullshit. Vitter admitted he hired a prostitute/escort.

Beacause Craig is in a gay scandal and not a straight one?

These "values" guys are a bunch of fucking hypocrites.

[GuyRC]

Yep, conservatives are suckers for hypocritical politicians, televangelists, talk-radio hosts... Conservatives are sheep, except they are louder. They are braying sheep.

[Zyzzygowski]

Excellant point, however there was no charged crime and no conviction (guilty plea) with Sen Vitter.

[nutty4tahoe]

This very question was asked yesterday on "Hardball". The Repugs' official reply to this is that Vitter "consulted" his Republican cohorts before his public announcement. Craig didn't. Lame, but that's their position.

Also yesterday on CNN's Cafferty File, someone emailed in to suggest that perhaps Craig had an attack of restless leg syndrome while in that men's room stall!

[Arky]

Restless leg syndrome? LOL!! Possible side effects are sudden strong urges, such as gambling, SEX, etc. LOL!!!

[cobraxus]

Also yesterday on CNN's Cafferty File, someone emailed in to suggest that perhaps Craig had an attack of restless leg syndrome while in that men's room stall!

actually it was RESTLESS 3rd LEG SYNDROME!

[Kitster]

If Vitter resigned, Gov Blanco would assign a Democrat to fill his seat. Craig's seat will be safely filled by a Republican. Craig is a politically safe target. Rest assured that if the situation were reversed, Craig and his gay restless leg would get lots of support and Vitter would be left holding the diaper.

[fedupwithhypocrisy]

Spot on, Kitster.

Vitter admitted he committed an illegal act.

There are layers of hypocrisy within the "family values" "moral majority" party.

[Binx101]

You're article was entertaining and somewhat relevant - but the big point is: How did the traditional media permit Craig to become the victim of a witch hunt. The headlines should read that the Senator has been accused of being a sexual pervert. This has nothing to do with being Gay. That is just the venue in which the perversion has allegedly played out. He's the one that has managed to claim that he's being accused of being Gay. From what I've read - the charges are that he has engaged in unlawful conduct.

One needs to have a wide-stance while reading about his virtual reality or one will be made dizzy by this torrent of fiction based fact from his denials.

[Steve Petrisky]

Your "wide stance" and your "big point" are well received. And the "torrent of fiction" you blasted onto the face of this story drips off the chin of sarcasm.

Unless you weren't being sarcastic. Is that my foot under your stall? I'm doing a Sudoku in my stall -- ranked "hard".

(Sorry, but this story is toooo funny. Whenever a Senator gazes at me through the crack in a closed restroom stall door, I feel like I'm being asked to the prom.)

[blooddoc]

The only thing that would be funnier than this incident would be to find Pat Robertson and Karl Rove inside a stall exchanging bodily secretions. That might bring the house down.

[MelFamy]

Way too funny! I was "cruising" Instapundit, the ultra-rightwing blog, and the posters there were up in arms that the story about the democratic congressman who shoved a baggage clerk wasn't getting more press. I pointed out that how one handles a man's baggage is less newsworthy than how one handles another man's package.

[lisakaz]

LOL. Good one.

[PoliceState]

Ditto on the LOL. That was funny.

[Zyzzygowski]

ROFLMAO

[divadarya]

Also, the lead story on Fox Cable yesterday was about a shoplifter who abandoned her kid at a Wal-Mart..Larry Craig was buried in 10pt type next to the "Katrina success stories"

[divadarya]

Fox Cable dot com, I meant.

[johntal]

Karl Rove outed him to give Gonzo a little break for a few days

[Idle Spectator]

My take exactly!

[SamanthaJaneSalem]

1b is the surprise answer. Is he bashing Boise, Idaho for not having any hot guys worth hitting on? My advice to Senator Craig is: those numbers scribbled out on restroom stalls (sometimes with illustrations) are there for a reason-- next time call one of them. Or use Craig's List (no relation).

Otherwise, I don't see any inconsistency in Craig's homophobia-- marriage is between a man and a (long-suffering or deluded) woman, and rubbing feet with another guy is between that man and his stall-neighbor.

[OncevotedRepub]

Actually, Boise may be a pretty hot town. Many years back there was a book "The Boys of Boise" IIRC about a local scandal involving hustlers and prominent citizens. Possibly before the Distinguished Senator's time. Plus ça change...

[Annoula]

Well, at least now we know Craig was being truthful in 1994 when he said that he would never do anything in Boise, Idaho.
That's why he takes the trouble to go all the way to Minneapolis for those things!
I think he deserves credit for clarifying that openly so there are no misunderstandings!
Apparently, Idaho is NOT for not-gay lovers!

[steven]

Lewd Larry Craig and the $20 Florida bathroom romantic could start the "toilet stall Republicans", possible endorcements from toilet paper and toilet stall manufacturers. Their slogan "we care about shit".

[azphil]

LOL, Would they be the conservative option to the Log Cabin Republicans?

[flatus]

Is it time to bring out the bone-o-meter and some "homo"erotica for those senators that voted against improving the lives of homosexuals?

[scubasteve]

The division of sexual identities into rigid and inflexible categories does not even come close to defining the human sexual experience. It serves many peoples' counterproductive agendas to propogate such a system of a)straight b)gay c)bi. This is why Craig's explanations are so ridiculous. Since he scorns the gay lifestyle, he considers himself not gay, because according to a Republican right wing view of things, you aren't gay if you don't believe in the lifestyle.

Everyone should stop using this a,b, or c system of classifying sexual reality, all it does is advance the agendas of fools, gay lifestyle promoters, and men like Craig who are not gay but have sex with men in bathroom stalls.