I miss you. I miss the excitement of the pose ahead, the challenge of not knowing where I'll be on a particular day, the wanting to become better always, the anticipation of something new and surreal.
I am sad just being me. I miss Ashtanga me, the cool chick on the way to doing super awesome jump backs. I feel like in accepting myself as I am the promise of this is now over. I am disappointed by my ordinary self.
It makes me want to cry. Like the me that I am today is just not good enough. I am full of shame for not being better, I feel alone and unloved and wanting to prove myself to the world.
But Ashtanga, the problem is that you can't do this for me. I must see in myself the beauty, the strength, the grace, the light. I must allow it shine forth and embody my yoga, my life, regardless of the style of practice.
For today I am confused though, to what extent is it ok to get this from you? Is it right to continue wishing that I will be more by practising this sequence every day?
Is it better to accept that I don't yet feel like enough, but somehow doing Ashtanga makes me feel like I will get there? Or is it better to let go of the dream, to acknowledge that we never really get there, that this moment, despite its lack of glamour or pazazz, is a profound miracle once we stop and really notice it?
For today I will sit with the sadness, the heaviness of being me, the loneliness of having left my flock behind and figuring it out on my own. For today I will rejoice in the imperfectness of my body and mind, knowing that with time and patience all will reveal itself. For today I will remind myself that I am enough.