Fellas, The Worst Thing You Can Be is Cheap

On Friday night several friends of mine gathered in a west side wine bar to fete the 30th birthday of a mutual friend. Strangers who otherwise would never have met made conversation over South African wine and pate.

Two of my friends shared a table with a man who was 38 years old, never married and new in town. He had recently passed the New York bar exam and was getting settled in Gotham. Despite his obvious hair plugs, he seemed like a solid guy. I wondered if someone would hit it off with him.

By the end of the night, I hoped no one would. When my two friends were ready to leave he not only took the 20 dollar bills they offered for the glass of wine they each had, but he asked for more when, according to his math, he was short on the bill. This baffled me. This guy was not only an attorney, but also clearly trying to flirt with my friends. Why not just be a gentleman, pay the check, offer a business card and hope for the best?

As the New Year approaches, a lot of people will make resolutions to find someone special in 2008. Match.com will become flooded with options, as will Hurry Date events and co-ed sports leagues. In a city such as New York, there are endless outlets to meet people.

I always tell my guy friends to never overlook the obvious -- the people around you every day. I thought of this on Friday as I watched my friends fumble for an extra 10 dollar bill to give to the cheapskate they had just spent part of an evening with. This guy had just as good of a shot to get their numbers as anyone else. But because he was a bean counter, he became fodder for jokes the following night as we walked to another party.

In these modern times, it's easy to forget that when it comes to courtship there's a little tea ceremony -- a dance, if you will -- that has to happen in order to charm a woman. Even the most independent feminist wants to be wooed, at least in the beginning of a relationship. This is why Southern men score like Wayne Gretsky in the Stanley Cup when they come up north. It's not their velvety accents that make women smitten, but it's their ability to make them feel special when they're together. They hold doors, plan dates in advance and communication rarely occurs over text message.

So fellas, consider this my holiday gift to you: The next time you're at an event and talking with women, start a tab and put their drinks on it. Help her with her coat when she leaves. Offer to flag down a cab. These gestures were commonplace 30 years ago, and I wish more men indulged in them. It can make the different between sleeping alone and sharing a Sunday New York Times with a new love.

And never, under any circumstances, take money from her. Not even if she offers.

Comments

[philhubb]

Was this article an attempt at humor? Throughout the reading, I kept thinking this was a joke, but where was the punchline?

I'm a good looking man, make a very fair income as a currency speculator and Ms Millard (or is it Miss?) I'm not buying you and your friends drinks and if that means sex with you is off the table, I'll just have to live with that loss.
Now pay your tab and run along.

[TJS]

If you're looking to score, "charm the woman" as Millard suggests. But if you are looking for a compatible partner, then drop the charm and be yourself. If the cheap lawyer had picked up the tab, he might have picked up the women, who would grow to resent him later on for being stingy. Better to find that out up front. As for the charm of Southern men, scores of Country ballads sing about the charming good ole boy who reveals himself to be a cheat and a liar. It's better to be authentic about who you are up front. The cheapskate lawyer needs to find a tightwad mate who values his frugality. Since money is the number one cause of problems in relationships, he's more likely to find a compatible mate by not picking up the check. And the women won't be disillusioned later on down the road.

[Ialoneknowitall]

I do not believe that Ms. Millard was saying that a man should always buy a woman"s drinks, but instead, her point was that a man who hoped to turn a chance encounter at a bar into a livelier encounter later on, should have done so.
I know that I would have paid for the drinks, but I would have also probably spilled my drink on myself or done some other stupid thing that would have messed things up anyway.
If the attorney in question had spent less time studying for the bar and more time learning how to act in one, he might have had somebody new to help him with his briefs.

[PaulineyM]

Exactly, Cathexis. The point isn't the money, it's the gesture. I wasn't saying that men had to pay all the time, but when trying to impress a woman in the flooded dating pool that is New York, a guy sometimes needs to bring out the heavy artillery. Being an attorney or in finance or whatever other profession that wears a suit isn't enough.

And for the record, Mr. Hairplugs was, in fact, interested in one of my friends and even tracked her down on Facebook the following day.

Also: I know that Wayne Gretzky is Canadian. I was making a similie between him and Southern men.

[Cathexis]

I can't believe the number of people who are responding irately ... to assertions the author never made.

On the high road: Genteel behaviour is usually respected and admired in social settings -- by men and women alike. It isn't the money, it is the consideration. This kind of behaviour says a lot about the altruism vs egoism of the individual. And, like it or not, their character (obsolete term: breeding).

On the low road: You're flirting. You're trying to impress. Picking up the tab for two glasses of wine is an easy way to further that goal. There is a huge difference between graciously picking up the tab for two wines and "being expected to pump drinks in them all night without any guarantee of 'getting any.'"

If you can't tell the difference, you need work on your social/flirtation skills.

I can respect the posts of the women here who state their preferences (projecting themselves into the situation) -- that's fine. But a lot of you guys are grinding your axes where there is no grindstone.

[Refraining from making pithy observation/ speculation re: some folks romantic lives.]

;-)

[Cathexis]

Merlin7: Tsk! An ad hominem attack on the author because she dared express a viewpoint with which you disagree?!?

Boorish, sir, boorish. Not the behaviour of a gentleman. You demean yourself far more than you impugn Ms Millard.

Worse, your eyesight/judgment appear to be significantly impaired. Get thee to an Optometrist and then to a Finishing School ... in that order. ;-)

[Cathexis]

I have to agree -- I'd have picked up the tab.

If it had been another couple, with no romantic aspects, I'd still have picked up the tab ... hell, it was only two glasses of wine. It would have been a gracious gesture. I've done this with two male co-workers, before (they tend to insist on reciprocating, at future rounds).

It's called "being genteel."

That being said, to become an Accountant in an actual flirtation scenario ...?!? What a short-sighted fool! ;-)

[True]

Good advice. That way, the lawyer guy can fall into the "patsy who buys me things" category to all the women at the table, and they can turn their attentions to the hunky, broke slackers and the bad boys.

[politicalreacharound]

I think that if this guy had any interest in these women he needs to pick up the bill. Yet if he has no interest and is tight on money he doesn't need to do anything but pay for his own drinks. This subject is funny because some women (especially good looking ones) feel that they deserve way more than they should especially if they are out of this guy's league. To some it up this is a stupid post for a new age world. Women don't make power plays by waiting sheepishly at the bar for the man to reach for the bill.

[EspressoAtNoon]

So I'm assuming that Pauline believes that equality only applies to making money. Once money needs to be expended equality conveniently becomes taboo.

Hypothetically, what if this guy moving to expensive NYC has a LOT of money in school debt (law school, remember?) and is in financial shock upon learning how much more expensive NYC is than wherever he moved from? 15% security deposit, Realtor's fee, and first month?

Hypothetically, what if he enjoyed these women as friends, but had not romantic interests in them? He should treat several women to drinks whom he has no romantic interest in?

What are their careers? Are these women attorneys as well? Perhaps more established? Perhaps they are wealthier than him?

This entire "dance" you speak of is nothing more than a loose definition of prostitution.

[avicenna]

As a single young thing who is employed and self-sufficient, I wouldn't expect either a stranger or a friend to pick up my tab - nor would I let them. I think of it is a remnant of a time when women were equal to children in the ability to cater to their own needs and dependent on men for their sustenance. On another note - that southern charm that Gretzy oozes - it is more likely his Canadian upbringing and years playing the lucrative game of hockey for the Edmonton Oilers that contributes to his good natured hospitality.

[McNugget]

I think Ms. Millard would do well to understand this from a man's point of view. To us, any women that would be absolutely mortified by the idea of having to pick up the tab comes off as nothing more then a self centered princess. With all the attention lately to gold-diggers and women who think that just because they have no Y chromosome are deserving of some sort of special treatment, us men have finally wised up. We see women like you coming from a mile away, and would rather date someone who enjoys our company more then our checking account.

[IntrepidReader]

I have to say, this article blows me away. Several strangers are chatting at a bar and the author thinks that because of them is male, he should pick up the tab, because girls might not like him if he doesn't pay for them.

Here's a thought: He's new in town, just getting started in a new line of work and just maybe doesn't have a lot of excess money. Since the author and her friends were aware of those circumstances, maybe they should have offered to treat him as a way of welcoming him to the city. Oh, wait: She says a woman should NEVER pay. Or call boys. Or wear patent leather shoes.

I'll make a note that when I'm out, I'll make sure to pay for my own drinks as I order them, and let any females standing or sitting near me do the same. That way nobody gets expectations and then sink to cheap shots about "obvious hair plugs" when she doesn't get a free drink.

[lungfish]

I remember moving to a new town and not having enough to buy myself a drink much less someone else...

Your advice sounds good, I used to do it that way. Met every meaningful female in my life before 1998 that way. Now, I don't think women know what they want. If I offer to get the door am I offending them or being gentlemanly... do I pay for everything or is that an assumption that she can't (ala ORSunshine's comment), if I am going out to meet a woman for dinner and drinks is it a date or a 'get together'.. should I ask her over or will she be offended... There is no language of dating that can help, no role playing that makes it easier to interpret. It all went out the window with the feminist desire to be viewed as nonfemales. I have no idea how to romance a woman anymore.

I live in Hawaii and figuring out all this stuff has basically driven me out of the dating scene. I like women, I am not the homeliest guy on the block, I work out constantly, swim with dolphins, brush my teeth, you can see my abs, I am not broke but I am not Donald Trump either. I like conversation and am a good listener.. I have basically come to the point that I don't bother with trying to date in the classical sense...to many hoops to jump through, too many mystical signals to divine... its a bummer but who wants to be a joke that women are going to laugh about the following evening?

If I see a woman and talk with her, I don't often bother with any attempt at romancing her. I look her in the eye, talk to her like anyone else, and it goes nowhere.

and I assume that she probably wants it that way. I dont pay for anything because it might offend her. Of course, I don't let her pay for anything of mine either. Perfect little stalemate. Been there too many times.

[NYCBear]

I thought women were no longer dependent on men's largess for their survival. And that the whole point of fighting for equality in the work force and in the courts was to gain social independence for women.

I don't think anyone, man or woman, should be too cheap to pay their full share of an evening's costs. If you can't afford the food or drink in a particular place, and you're not there as the guest of someone who has offered to pay your way, why are you there? There's no shame in being short of money, but there certainly should be shame in eating a meal one can't pay for and just assuming that someone else will cover the cost.

Where I come from, a woman who expects to be paid for her company is called a "working girl", and she should agree on her price with her john before the event, not spring her professional status on him after she has eaten and drunk her fill.