Five Things Not to Say to a Newly Pregnant Woman

Last week I found out that I'm pregnant, and three months along at that. This came as a surprise to my boyfriend and I, who were just another New York City couple whose largest concern was when to bring our big orange Persian cat to the groomer. At first it was like being hit like a ton of bricks, but after about half an hour we decided to play the hand we've been dealt and gear up for parenthood.

In an age where celebrity moms such as Angelina Jolie and Jessica Alba have children without being married, where celebrity baby photos are lucrative business opportunities, I was surprised at the somewhat antiquated reactions I got from some people once I started telling them. By and large my family and friends were excited for me, but the few blips were not only curious, but somewhat hurtful. What is there to gain by insulting a pregnant woman?

Below are some of my favorite reactions. Try to avoid them the next time a woman tells you she's pregnant.

Are You Going To Keep It? If someone pulls you aside to tell you they're pregnant, chances are they've got some long-term plans. Quite a few of my friends asked me point blank if I was going to keep it, and if this was a good thing. "I'm happy if you're happy," one person said, as if they were reluctantly picking up a check at dinner.

Let's review: I'm 31 years old, in a committed relationship, employed, educated and I have a wonderful network of family and friends. Why wouldn't I keep this baby? Fertility is a use it or lose it situation and I actually feel quite lucky that this came into my life. It's a surprise, yes, but a very nice one.

Are You Sure You Have The Money For This? Unless you're someone's CPA, you have no reason to start questioning their finances. It's tacky anytime, not just when someone's expecting. If I weren't aware of the financial commitments involved in having a baby, I wouldn't be telling you about my impending birth. Sure, you can veil such statements under the guise of "concern," but a mature, pregnant woman really doesn't need anyone else's "concern." They would just like you to be happy for them.

I Know You Want A Big Wedding After The Baby, But You're Not Going To Have The Money For It Again, unless you have intimate knowledge of someone's finances, questioning them over a coffee date isn't going to win you any popularity points, at any time. A shotgun wedding personally isn't for me, and between now and June one isn't going to happen. Yet, numerous people said I could "get a quick wedding together" this winter before I really start to show, but that's not what I want. I want to be able to drink champagne at my wedding and not worry if I'll be hit with some weird wave of hormones that'll make me cranky. In about a year and a half I can assure you that there will be a lovely wedding in Connecticut, preceded by an equally wonderful bridal shower. Just the way I want it.

Tell Her Loudly, And In Public, What She Can And Can't Eat I've started every morning since freshman year in college with a cup of coffee. I had coffee almost every morning during the three months that I was pregnant before I found out. That said, my coffee habit is probably not going to stop. True, most days I don't feel like having coffee, (oranges have been my craving lately) but I like to loaf around Starbucks with a latte, just like anyone else. No, I'm not going give my baby spina bifida. Anyone who's ever actually read about caffeine and pregnancy knows that the issue is that caffeine restricts blood vessels, and in turn possible blood flow to the fetus. But like everything else, as long as it's done in moderation, you're perfectly fine. Any doctor would tell you the same thing. But if I start doing shots of Jack Daniels, by all means frog march me out of the room.

Refer To The Father As The 'Baby Daddy': Come on, I live on the Upper East Side, not a trailer park. Please make note of it.

Comments

[kstuff]

Agreed. People should just keep their mouths shut. A simple, "that's wonderful, when are you due?" will suffice....

[NWReader]

Just wait until you get people telling you what to do - or not do - and where - and when - with your breasts. Oh, the joys of parenthood!

[GeologyRocks]

While there are probably many things that would be inappropriate to say to a pregnant woman, there is one very important thing to say to her significant other: DON"T FORGET TO CELEBRATE MOTHER"S DAY if the pregnancy extends into May. I didn"t think of it at the time and boy howdy " I was in the dog house until my daughter was half way through elementary school.

Congradulations.

[chimama1]

Congratulations! This was so fun to read. It's hilarious the inappropriate things people say to you when you're pregnant--and after you've had children!

My then-boyfriend and I unexpectedly got pregnant at the end of college. We decided to keep the baby, knowing there would be challenges, but that it would be worth it. We got SO many inquiries about when we were getting married--and loved ones"planning" our wedding for us. But, like you, we wanted to wait until the time was right for us. We were in a committed relationship, but graduating from college, having a baby, and moving across the country is enough for one year! We waited until our baby was 18 mo old and had an incredible wedding--everything I would have wanted baby or no baby! We were celebrating, not "getting married because of the baby."

Best of all, my sister-in-law gave us a 2 hr argument attempting to convince us to have an abortion--like you said, if we're telling you, we've probably already made some decisions!

After the baby was born, we had the added fun getting hilarious questions about our mixed-race daughter. If I was out alone w/ her I was asked numerous times a day if she was adopted. The best, however: "What's she got in 'er?"

Now we've been married for 5 years and we're expecting our 3rd child! It's been amazing! Good luck to you--just keep a healthy sense of humor!!

[Bethab]

When I tell people I am NOT having children, they feel free to tell me the following:

I am selfish, it's different when they're your own, who will take care of you when you're old?, why bother getting married if you're not having kids?, you'll grow up and change your mind, it's worth it, you must be sad and bitter, you'll never know real love, it's the most important job in the world, kids are the best thing that will ever happen to you, and (i have to say it twice because I hear it ALL the time) you're selfish.

But don't worry...I'll be sure to listen to everything you say and walk on eggshells around you and all pregnant women.

[Bethab]

It's funny...when I tell people I'm NOT having children, they feel free to tell me anything they want. I'm selfish, I'm wrong, I'll change my mind (as if they know me better than I know myself), you shouldn't take social security benefits when you're older because you will be taking advantage of other people's children, you will regret it, you will die alone, you're emotionally bankrupt, you will never know real love.

But don't worry...I'll be sure to keep your comments in mind and watch my mouth around pregnant women and mothers.

[theaterdoc]

Here's one I heard during my pregnancy (I was unmarried, but educated and financially solvent): a woman at an office gathering asked me how far along I was, and then declared that she was in favor of "zero population growth", which is why she had chosen not to have any children. I felt somehow belittled and demeaned, in the midst of an otherwise very happy time. My daughter is now 9, and is the light of my life.

[stevefromkelso]

My advice as a man......just say " congratulations. I'm very happy for you." Almost any thing else you say to a pregnant lady (other than your wife or sister) can, and will be misunderstood.

[TedB]

Here's a tip my mom gave me when my wife was pregnant with our first child: Don't tell people the names you are considering for your baby, especially if you are likely to be hurt by their negative reactions and alternative suggestions.
Wait until the baby is born and named and people will say they like the name whether they actually do or not...

[southernlib]

Great post!
Of course, my first reaction to the headline was "Can we say them to a pregnant man?"