THE BLOG
03/08/2012 03:47 pm ET Updated May 08, 2012

Scenes From 2013: President Mitt Romney Fails in His Attempts to Relate to Our Alien Conquerors

President Mitt Romney attempts to relate to Earth's alien conquerors by adapting some of the same lines that made him so successful in connecting with humans:

"The trees are the right height now that you've blasted their tops off. The grass is the right color for this time of year, kind of a brownish-greenish sort of thing, it just feels right now that you've charred the grass with your ray guns. I was always telling Ann, 'For Pete's sake, why do Democrats oppose singeing the Capitol's lawn with ray guns in order to give it the correct brownish-greenish hue? If humans can't take action and make the grass the right color, how can we expect the Valdarians not to invade and fix it for us?'"

"I like those fancy raincoats you bought for keeping our blood off you. Really sprung for the big Valdarian credits."

"I like to be able to fire ray guns at people who provide services to me. How else will a service provider learn the proper temperature for serving Valdarian protein slime without the occasional ray gun zap to the buttocks? The Romneys have an old saying: A little ray gun zap in the buttocks never hurt anybody, except the guy who got zapped in the buttocks."

"I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there to keep them from escaping. Just tie the safety net to the bottom of your flying saucer and take them with you as a snack for your journey home. Or strap the safety net to the roof. The very poor will love the fresh air, until you hit space and the air stops."

"I don't follow anal probing as closely as some of the most ardent fans. But I have some great friends who are anal probe manufacturers."

"'I'm a normal person. I have emotions just like anyone else' is what my enemies might try and lead you to believe. But I'm actually a cyborg programmed to adapt my emotions and beliefs every election so there's no reason to process me into Valdarian protein slime. Just tell me what you want to hear and I'll adapt to your bidding by 2016."

"My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs, and she drives both of them to our private launchpad where she then flies a couple of your model X-5 flying saucers -- best in the galaxy! You should see her behind the wheel of one of those X-5s as she blasts a trail behind the very poor, herding them into that safety net."

"I never said I wouldn't welcome an alien invasion! I never said that! You wanna bet? I'll tell you what, 10,000 Valdarian credits? 10,000 Valdarian credit bet?"

"Corporations are people, my friend, but certainly not the most nutritious of people. I promise you, if you eat a corporation you'll be hungry again in an hour. I wouldn't recommend whetting your palate on corporations until all the very poor have been processed and absorbed."

"I know what it's like to worry whether you're going to get fired into the Valdarian protein slime vat. There were a couple of times I wondered whether I was going to get a pink slip signaling my selection for protein slime processing."

"I should tell my story. I'm also unemployed now that you've destroyed the White House, but if you appreciate the talent for destroying perfectly good things, might you require the services of someone who earned $250 million by destroying perfectly good jobs?"

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