THE BLOG
09/23/2012 02:59 pm ET | Updated Nov 23, 2012

The New, New Black

I hear pink is the new black. Although I also hear pink isn't really a color but merely white light minus the color green according to the guy sitting next to me on a plane until I asked the stewardess if I could change seats.

I hear 40 is the new 30. I also hear 35 is the new 25 as measured by accrued net worth. I hear 20 is the new seventh grade in turms of speling abilitee. I hear 13 is the new fetus.

I hear Usher is the new Michael Jackson, but I hear his music and I don't hear it.

I hear when it comes to antioxidants coffee is the new chocolate. This was right after I heard chocolate was the new red wine. I hear antioxidants are increasingly becoming an excuse to eat and drink everything I already wanted to eat and drink. I told my wife that if this pattern holds it will only be a matter of time until they find antioxidants in bourbon. As I fill my glass I hear my wife asking me if I even know what an antioxidant is, and I pretend not to hear her.

I hear the alkaline diet is the new Dukan diet. I'd heard the Dukan diet was the new South Beach Diet. I'd heard the South Beach Diet was the new Atkin's diet. I hear nausea induced by hearing about new diets will be the new alkaline diet.

I hear looking a gift horse in the ass is the new looking a gift horse in the mouth. Yes you should still never look a gift horse in the mouth, but I've learned they hate being looked in the ass even more.

I hear the world is going to end in 2012, and I hear racking up credit card debt you'll never have to repay is the new praying.

I hear a friend's wife call her salad 'amazing' and her new phone 'amazing' and her new diet plan 'amazing', and I realize 'amazing' must be the new 'good'. I hear her call the recent Nickelback album 'incredible' and I realize 'incredible' must be the new 'shitty'.

I hear barefoot running is the new exercise fad according to my friend Todd, who eagerly accepted my invitation to demonstrate on the sidewalk in front of my house and seemed surprised when I locked the front door behind him.

I hear Taylor Swift wrote a new song about a boyfriend who did her wrong. I hear the song is or isn't about Joe Jonas. I hear Joe Jonas is the new John Mayer who also did her wrong. I heard John Mayer was the new Jake Gyllenhall who also did her wrong. I heard Jake Gyllenhall was the new Taylor Lautner who also did her wrong. I heard Taylor Lautner was the new Joe Jonas who apparently did her so much wrong that he came full circle and she had to write another song. I hear Taylor Swift is terrible at relationships.

I hear nodding is the new waving, waving is the new high-five, high fiving is the new kissing, and kissing is the new missionary position.

I hear 'btw, shll I compare u 2 a summer dy' is the new 'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day'.

I hear oxygen is the new ghost carb.

I hear sincere compliments are the new backhanded compliment.

I hear bragging is the new doing.

I hear sitting is the new standing.

I hear talking is the new listening.

I hear shrugging is the new enthusiasm.

I hear irony is the new sincerity.