Thanksgiving (AHHH!) is my favorite holiday in November behind National Parfait Day, Take
A Hike Day, False Confession Day, Marooned
Without A Compass Day and Homemade Bread Day. You're
Welcome Day, which is always
(very conveniently) the day after Thanksgiving (AHHH!), sadly seems antiquated considering
the response to "thank you" isn't "you're welcome" anymore
but rather "no
problem" or "no worries."
Every year around this time I make a
list of things I am thankful for, and this year the list is much longer
than usual. Like for starters, I am REALLY grateful I wasn't trapped
in a Chilean mine with all those other guys, although it would have been cool to get a free
pair of Oakley
Radar® shades with Black Iridium® lenses. Totally worth waiting in a dark and
cold mine 2300 feet below ground for 69 days to get those shades, if
you ask my opinion, which you didn't. Nothing says, "I'm totally
cool," like a pair of Oakley Radar® shades with Black
Iridium® lenses--again, my opinion, which you haven't
asked for. If someone at Oakley would like to send a pair of those incredibly
cool shades my way, please know I am on Broadway until January 2nd, at the Stephen
Sondheim Theater, located at 124 West 43rd Street, between Broadway
and 6th Avenue. The security guards know how to find me. Would be an
awesome early Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah present-- just saying.
Before I get to the full and complete
list of the people and things that I am thankful for, I want to talk
about the true meaning of Thanksgiving (AHHH!). (This would be a good time to pull
up a chair and grab some
piping hot apple cider, being
careful not to burn
Thanksgiving (AHHH!) is the holiday where we remember the Mayflower Moving Company and the Cleveland
Indians. One Thursday afternoon
long ago, two fierce rivals, (think the Werewolves
and Vampires from Twilight)
put aside their differences and celebrated the fall harvest by sharing
a meal and watching the Macy's Thanksgiving (AHHH!) Day Parade with Al
Roker, followed by football. Then the next day, they went back to killing
each other in the most brutal ways possible.
To honor the sacrifices of Native American
heroes like Squanto, we get a four day weekend, (unless you work
in retail or on Broadway), stuff our faces on candied yams till we nearly puke, watch football and then
pass out on a relative's couch wondering how many American Music Awards (hipsters call them AMAs) Justin Bieber will win next year. And if Vanilla Ice will
join New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys in a reunion entitled "NKOTBSB with a Scoop of Vanilla." Could be huge, if you ask my opinion,
which you didn't.
Then the real holiday kicks in. Black Friday. Once you've shopped black, you never go back.
Although, just like "You're Welcome Day," the days
for Black Friday are numbered--it's pretty much turning into an online thing. Like everything else.
Now would be a good time for me to reflect
on the things I am most thankful for (in no particular order):
The entire city of New York-- You truly are "the
concrete jungle where dreams are made of."
It's nice to live in a city where the nearest hot dog is just around the corner. And no other animals
except rats, pigeons and pets.
All of the incredibly kind and attractive
people who signed a petition to get me on Dancing
With the Stars (or DWTS as
we hardcore fans call it.) I love you all. I hope to get my white platform dancing shoes on soon.
Thank you Woody and the LEGENDARY Buffalo Chip, Andy and Hot
Leathers and all my new biker friends from Sturgis, South Dakota. As someone once said, "Only
a biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window." I couldn't
Regis Philbin-- for helping me rob
an M&M's store and for being nearly the coolest dude on the planet.
Rachael Ray-- for teaching me cooking
is better in 3D.
Jacob the Jeweler rings.
PAPER magazine for showing me that disco is NOT dead - disco
My friend from the Subway.
Bishop Desmond Tutu.
My friends at TSA for those hilarious body scan
photos. LOL! Can't wait
to make a Christmas card out of them.
Judd Apatow (for continuing the adventure and
being one of the coolest dudes on the planet, right after Regis.)
The volcano in Iceland for blowing ash in a way that did
not interrupt my travel plans.
The book Part-Time
Dog by Jane Thayer.
Isherwood, for all his kind
words when describing the Pee-wee Herman show. I couldn't agree with
you more. To Cindy
Adams, who said, shall we
say, SOME NOT
NICE THINGS about my show,
I say, "I know you are, Cindy, but what am I?" (And that's all
I can print!)
Steve Jobs for giving me an iPad
before anyone else.
Gawker-- for calling me a genius. I couldn't agree with you more.
Firemen everywhere-- thank you for your bravery.
Sylvia's restaurant in Harlem-- The best food that isn't
Jared Geller, thanks for talking me into
Pee-wee Herman Show back
and Scott Sanders, thanks for making it happen.
Allison, I miss you!
Kelly, I love you and am thankful for
you every day including Thanksgiving (AHHH!).
Yvonne, Cowboy Curtis, Ginger, Mailman
Mike, The King of Cartoons, Sergio, Chairry, Pterri, Clocky, Conky, Globey, Bear, Fireman
Phineas, Lexy, Caesar and
everyone in Puppetland-- thanks for taking the trip with me to Broadway.
It was really hard to fit all of you in my suitcase, but I am sure glad
you squished together real tight and made the trip. I love seeing your
beautiful faces every night.
To all the fans who have come to see
me (or are planning to see me-- some seats still available) at the Stephen Sondheim Theatre and those of you that saw our show at Club Nokia early this year: I will forever carry your laughter
in my heart. I wish I could buy you all a new 50 inch, Panasonic Viera
with a sleek Plasma screen now on sale at Best
Buy, but I really don't
know you that well. Please know, when I am watching Meredith Vieira in high-definition on my new Panasonic Viera
in the comfort of my own home, I will be thinking of you. (Probably
not, but you have to admit that was nice of me to say.)
Huffington. No one knows
what I had to do to get this much ink on the most important site in
the history of the Internet. But don't worry your secret is safe with
Happy Thanksgiving (AHHH!!) everyone! Don't eat too much!
Love, your pal,
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