Good morning boys
and girls, Pee-wee Herman here! For weeks leading up to Christmas, I wished and wished and wished for it to snow.
I kinda overdid it, huh? Personally, I had a great time during the blizzard of 2010. I turned on CNN and watched all those poor people who were pitifully stranded--painfully and uncomfortably waiting in line at airports for days on end wishing they were pleasant and toasty like me. But they weren't. They were cold
and miserable. I was warm and blissful. It's funny how watching other people can make one appreciate one's own life more.
And by "one," you probably know who I am referring to.
snowfall gave me time to
make my annual list of my New
Year's resolutions. I read
on the internet (so it must be true) that about 12% of the people
who make New Year's resolutions actually achieve their goal--
which, coincidentally, is the same percentage of people whose flights
were on time during the blizzard. This same 12% also control most of the world's
wealth, live longer, drive
better cars, don't have
to wait in line at Disneyland and are able to understand the plot of Tron (the original and the sequel) after only one viewing. Some days I feel like
I am part of this top twelve percent. Other days I feel like I am in
the bottom 88. That's really the question, isn't it? Top or bottom?
This may surprise you readers of The Huffington Post, but for all my wonderful and amazing qualities,
I'm not perfect. Almost, but not quite. So these are things
I would like to improve upon or accomplish in 2011 in no particular
order and for no particular reason other than to bring my already exceptional
self a little closer to perfection. Read 'em and weep...
--Enjoy the last year before the Mayan Apocalypse comes in 2012. I didn't see Mel Gibson's 2006 opus on the first Mayan apocalypse so I don't have
a sense of how horrible it's going to get. And according to my Netflix cue, I'll never view it in time. Too bad too
because I hear Danny Glover steals the movie.
--Eat more chocolate. Apparently chocolate is good for you now. But
it has to be dark. I mean, the chocolate has to be dark, but the lights
can remain on. It's confusing, I know.
--Be Oprah's final guest on her final show, September 9, 2011-- (a date far more ominous than the Mayan Apocalypse,
if you ask me, which you didn't.) If I can't be Oprah's final
guest, I would at least like to be one of her favorite things so she could give me away.
--Try to talk the producer of the new
Pee-wee movie, Mr.
Judd Apatow, into shooting
two Pee-wee movies at the same. It worked really well for a little franchise
of the Caribbean, perhaps
you've heard of it?
--AND SPEAKING OF POTC, THIS IS FOR JOHNNY DEPP ONLY: Hey Johnny, 1:26 seconds into the trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger
Tides, that laugh, sound familiar?! IT'S MINE!!! Stop auditioning; you can play me in the movie. Or can you? (I
apologize for my J.D. digression. Back to my resolutions.)
--Make a solemn vow to myself, that
before ordering the Bullet
Express, the Amazing Eight
Minute Meal Machine, I will first try the Ginsu
knives and bamboo steamer that have remained unopened in my garage for
some years now.
--Land an endorsement deal with Men's Warehouse. I don't think I am wrong when I say the phrase,
"You're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it" would sound
much better coming from me than that other guy. And if they bring back
you're getting a Dell"
campaign, I'm Dell's man. Just saying.
--Properly bid Manhattan farewell. To borrow a page from Larry King, I don't want to say "good-bye," because
that sounds so final, but rather, "so-long" to the Great White Way.
It's been an amazing run in an amazing city of an even more amazing
show. You will be able to see it on HBO sometime in March. (Hint, if you don't already
have cable, now would be a great time to illegally
hook it up.)
--Leak something to WikiLeaks.
--Create limited edition plates to
commemorate the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, just in
case no one else does.
--Be number #12 on USA Today/PopCandy's
100 important people list (I was #13 this year list.)
--Be number #1 on the NY Times list
of things New Yorkers discussed in 2011. (I was #2
this year. Apparently the bedbug epidemic stole my thunder.)
--Invite all my Twitter followers to actually follow me somewhere.
--Pretend to be a wax figure at Madame Tussauds and then just as someone walks by and says,
"Hey, Pee-wee Herman looks so lifelike," jump out and yell, "I
know you are but what am I?!" It's all part of my plot to have my
wax figure be more popular than Lady
Gaga's wax figure. Oh,
that's right, I don't have a wax figure. Hey, maybe this is a good
idea, if those tens of thousands of people who signed the petition to
get me on Dancing
with the Stars wanted to
contact Madame Tussauds, it's a free country. Click here for address. (Apologize for my M.T. digression.)
--Take all my money out of Silly Bandz.
--Trick my neighbors into thinking
I bought one of Xbox's expensive Kinect machines by moving the TV near the window, standing
in front of it and making
crazy motions with my arms.
Then go to the other room and play with my Wii.
--Watch more Jersey Shore. Eight and a half million viewers can't be wrong. Can they? To Mike
"the Situation" Sorrentino:
You were huge in 2010. I was huge in 2010. If we join forces in 2011
we would be GINORMOUS. Think about it, but not too long.
--Do an epic interview with Gawker. They called me a "genius" after my first blog. Clearly, they have really
good taste. I keep telling my people Gawker is the most important, highly-trafficked
site on the internet with really funny anonymous posts from guys with
profiles that occasionally get hacked. This Gawker interview is like my Chinese Democracy. You Dr.
Pepper fans know what I mean.
--Stop saying I like the taste of pomegranate juice just to fit in.
Resolve to make better resolutions
in 2012. These are beginning to annoy me like that redheaded lady in
the Progressive Insurance commercial. I wish I didn't have
to admit I know her name. But I do. It's Flo.
--Start a last-minute movement to bring
high jump event back for
the 2012 Olympics. It hasn't been a part of the Olympics
since 1912. I love that story. (Note to self: Ask Van Halen to reunite and re-record "Jump" as the theme song. They can collaborate with
the Pointer Sisters. The
Pointer Sisters never let
I think that's it. That seems like
everything. If I can do all this, I will be just about perfect. OMG!
I forgot my number one resolution in 2011: Date a Kardashian. I don't even care which one. Even their mom--
she's a total cougar.
Anyway, you seem really busy-- let me
let you let me run. I hope everyone has a happy and peaceful 2011. May
all your wishes (and resolutions) come true!