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I'm Not Perfect, But After My New Year's Resolutions I Will Be

Posted: 01/10/11 01:46 PM ET

Good morning boys and girls, Pee-wee Herman here! For weeks leading up to Christmas, I wished and wished and wished for it to snow. I kinda overdid it, huh? Personally, I had a great time during the blizzard of 2010. I turned on CNN and watched all those poor people who were pitifully stranded--painfully and uncomfortably waiting in line at airports for days on end wishing they were pleasant and toasty like me. But they weren't. They were cold and miserable. I was warm and blissful. It's funny how watching other people can make one appreciate one's own life more. And by "one," you probably know who I am referring to.

The massive snowfall gave me time to make my annual list of my New Year's resolutions. I read on the internet (so it must be true) that about 12% of the people who make New Year's resolutions actually achieve their goal-- which, coincidentally, is the same percentage of people whose flights were on time during the blizzard. This same 12% also control most of the world's wealth, live longer, drive better cars, don't have to wait in line at Disneyland and are able to understand the plot of Tron (the original and the sequel) after only one viewing. Some days I feel like I am part of this top twelve percent. Other days I feel like I am in the bottom 88. That's really the question, isn't it? Top or bottom?

This may surprise you readers of The Huffington Post, but for all my wonderful and amazing qualities, I'm not perfect. Almost, but not quite. So these are things I would like to improve upon or accomplish in 2011 in no particular order and for no particular reason other than to bring my already exceptional self a little closer to perfection. Read 'em and weep...

--Enjoy the last year before the Mayan Apocalypse comes in 2012. I didn't see Mel Gibson's 2006 opus on the first Mayan apocalypse so I don't have a sense of how horrible it's going to get. And according to my Netflix cue, I'll never view it in time. Too bad too because I hear Danny Glover steals the movie.

--Eat more chocolate. Apparently chocolate is good for you now. But it has to be dark. I mean, the chocolate has to be dark, but the lights can remain on. It's confusing, I know.

--Be Oprah's final guest on her final show, September 9, 2011-- (a date far more ominous than the Mayan Apocalypse, if you ask me, which you didn't.) If I can't be Oprah's final guest, I would at least like to be one of her favorite things so she could give me away.

--Try to talk the producer of the new Pee-wee movie, Mr. Judd Apatow, into shooting two Pee-wee movies at the same. It worked really well for a little franchise called Pirates of the Caribbean, perhaps you've heard of it?

--AND SPEAKING OF POTC, THIS IS FOR JOHNNY DEPP ONLY: Hey Johnny, 1:26 seconds into the trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, that laugh, sound familiar?! IT'S MINE!!! Stop auditioning; you can play me in the movie. Or can you? (I apologize for my J.D. digression. Back to my resolutions.)

--Make a solemn vow to myself, that before ordering the Bullet Express, the Amazing Eight Minute Meal Machine, I will first try the Ginsu knives and bamboo steamer that have remained unopened in my garage for some years now.

--Land an endorsement deal with Men's Warehouse. I don't think I am wrong when I say the phrase, "You're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it" would sound much better coming from me than that other guy. And if they bring back the "Dude, you're getting a Dell" campaign, I'm Dell's man. Just saying.

--Take the time to understand the differences between Cisco, Sysco, Sisqo, Christo and Crisco.

--Properly bid Manhattan farewell. To borrow a page from Larry King, I don't want to say "good-bye," because that sounds so final, but rather, "so-long" to the Great White Way. It's been an amazing run in an amazing city of an even more amazing show. You will be able to see it on HBO sometime in March. (Hint, if you don't already have cable, now would be a great time to illegally hook it up.)

--Go to Sturgis. Again. Stay the whole time. Bring more of an entourage. Get more tattoos.

--Leak something to WikiLeaks.

--Create limited edition plates to commemorate the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, just in case no one else does.

--Be number #12 on USA Today/PopCandy's 100 important people list (I was #13 this year list.)

--Be number #6 on Time's comeback (I was #7 on this year's list.) And hey, Time, to quote LL Cool J, "Don't call it a comeback."

--Be number #1 on the NY Times list of things New Yorkers discussed in 2011. (I was #2 this year. Apparently the bedbug epidemic stole my thunder.)

--Invite all my Twitter followers to actually follow me somewhere.

--Pretend to be a wax figure at Madame Tussauds and then just as someone walks by and says, "Hey, Pee-wee Herman looks so lifelike," jump out and yell, "I know you are but what am I?!" It's all part of my plot to have my wax figure be more popular than Lady Gaga's wax figure. Oh, that's right, I don't have a wax figure. Hey, maybe this is a good idea, if those tens of thousands of people who signed the petition to get me on Dancing with the Stars wanted to contact Madame Tussauds, it's a free country. Click here for address. (Apologize for my M.T. digression.)

--Meditate more. Or mediate more? Either way-- No worries. It's all good. Top or bottom.

--Take all my money out of Silly Bandz.

--Trick my neighbors into thinking I bought one of Xbox's expensive Kinect machines by moving the TV near the window, standing in front of it and making crazy motions with my arms. Then go to the other room and play with my Wii.

--Watch more Jersey Shore. Eight and a half million viewers can't be wrong. Can they? To Mike "the Situation" Sorrentino: You were huge in 2010. I was huge in 2010. If we join forces in 2011 we would be GINORMOUS. Think about it, but not too long.

--Do an epic interview with Gawker. They called me a "genius" after my first blog. Clearly, they have really good taste. I keep telling my people Gawker is the most important, highly-trafficked site on the internet with really funny anonymous posts from guys with profiles that occasionally get hacked. This Gawker interview is like my Chinese Democracy. You Dr. Pepper fans know what I mean.

--Stop saying I like the taste of pomegranate juice just to fit in.

Resolve to make better resolutions in 2012. These are beginning to annoy me like that redheaded lady in the Progressive Insurance commercial. I wish I didn't have to admit I know her name. But I do. It's Flo.

--Start a last-minute movement to bring the standing high jump event back for the 2012 Olympics. It hasn't been a part of the Olympics since 1912. I love that story. (Note to self: Ask Van Halen to reunite and re-record "Jump" as the theme song. They can collaborate with the Pointer Sisters. The Pointer Sisters never let anyone down.)

I think that's it. That seems like everything. If I can do all this, I will be just about perfect. OMG! I forgot my number one resolution in 2011: Date a Kardashian. I don't even care which one. Even their mom-- she's a total cougar.

Anyway, you seem really busy-- let me let you let me run. I hope everyone has a happy and peaceful 2011. May all your wishes (and resolutions) come true!


Your Pal,