When I was a little girl my favorite game was pretending to be a bride, I gathered all my cousins, put on my mom's lipstick, threw on my white pillow case on my head and would start walking down my imaginary wedding isle.
I'm sure I'm not the only girl who enjoyed playing this imaginary game. Unfortunately no one ever warned me that reaching my childhood fantasy was much easier said than done. My cousins who gathered around me then are now happily married, most with children and still living in Iran. On the other hand I have become a "therapist" and shoulder to cry on for every girl I know who can't find Mr. Right or even land a date with Mr. Maybe. Some of these women are intelligent, beautiful and successful but spend half their time on dating website getting matched up with people with whom they have to force themselves to have "chemistry". Others are at clubs and bars competing with tons of girls who are dressed in provocative outfits (read: slutty) in order to attract men's attention.
The last time I walked into a club with all my single girlfriends it occurred to me that I had just entered into a casting room and I was about to audition for some sort of sexy horror movie. Not only was every girl's breast implants barely covered by their tops but their short skirts made me want to take off my skinny jeans because I seemed too conservative and felt the pressure to fit in.
At that moment I started to reminisce about the years I lived in Iran and how I witnessed so many of my relatives finding love in a level that is completely foreign to what we are familiar with in our society. A woman doesn't have to go hunt for a man or stress about the possibility of never getting married; instead she finds love and courtship in the most relaxed, respectful way possible.
In Iran when a man shows interest in a woman there is an initial meeting that involves the families getting together and the girl gets acquainted with the man before she makes her decision as to whether she wants to carry on the relationship. While the families wait outside, they walk into a room to speak privately. There is a sense of excitement and sensuality in a very pure way.
There is a mystery to the girl and although they both might feel aroused by the attraction they have for each other the man never loses his respect for the girl. This is in stark contrast to dating rules in most western societies. For example many girls are expected to sleep with or "put out" within a short period of time or risk losing the attention of the man. I've even heard of a term called "the three strikes rule", wherein if a girl does not perform some sort of sex act within three dates she is dropped, released or as I've heard "kicked to the curb". Even if a girl is sexually open and available there is no guarantee that the man won't disappear without any reason or explanation within a short period of time.
All of this makes me wonder if women are really happy with what our dating lives and relationships have come to. According to a recent survey, in 1980 6% of men ages 40-44 were never married. Today that number has jumped to 17%. Men are delaying or avoiding marriage like never before and women want to know why. Well, as the saying goes "why buy the cow when the milk is free?" and there are a lot of cows roaming around these days many more than in past generations.
Could this be the fault of women who for years were fighting for feminism and wanting to be free and equal to men? Of course we believe in equal rights and a woman's independence but maybe the concept of feminism has also taken us to the extreme level of sexual freedom. By making sex so available and accessible for men it allows them to lose respect and not value courtship the way they did years ago in western cultures or as they still do in many parts of the world.
To be clear, I love my independence, freedom and the power I have as a woman in this country which I am sure most other woman do as well, but we must admit that sometimes we all have the fantasy of old fashion respect along with the guarantee of one day having a house, husband and children. But it seems that the fantasy of courtships like the scene in The Godfather where Michael meets the virgin Appolonia in Sicily and conveys ultimate respect to her and her family is now passé. Or to use another movie term, Gone With The Wind. And for many women, that is nothing to celebrate.
Follow Pegah Patra on Twitter: www.twitter.com/pegahpatra
Women are predators, and the man who can say "no" has all the power.
and those women who chose to procreate without the benefit of a committed male sperm donor, and don;t have their OWN means of supporting thier get, are dooming ALL women to our continued role as baby carriers and servents to the penises that rule us.
WAKE UP, girls, and seize the power!!!
Feministing.com calls this piece "proof that the Huffington Post will publish anything." I agree.
I think it's a mutual respect that needs to be done. Women to men, that they are not sperm banks. Men to women that they are not baby makers. And each to themselves that they deserve someone to love and will love them back.
If you want to find a husband, you can find one. If you date someone and he "kicks you to the curb" because you didn't put out, he's an ass, you aren't at fault.
When are we going to stop blaming each other and reinforcing the idea that we are all catty and hate other women and look at ourselves and say "I deserve a partner that treats me well and wants me for me."?
Feminism has done nothing but make everyone's lives better. It has created better families by making it a choice to be a mother and wife as opposed to some social necessity.
I think it is a good thing that everyone has sexual freedom. So what if 17% of men don't want to get married and therefore don't? Would you rather marry one of those men and have him divorce you later or fake it for years upon years? THAT would be the worst end result I can think of.
I'm sure Iran has many romantic love stories but I am very glad that I live in the United States where I can conduct my personal life however I see fit.
I think part of the problem is not that women want to get married and men try to get sex for "free" is is the way some women and men see sex and getting married as "commodities"...
And out consumer culture has made it worse.
I know couples who have raised families and are still loving one another after decades...they have never been married...yet they are loyal and in relationships which are respectful...
It's not about marriage it's about being an adult and trust and respect...AND good sex!
Oh, and don't blame us guys for YOUR low cut blouses. We don't buy your cloths for you. And don't blame us guys for YOUR sex life. There is such a thing as 'no'. You should try it sometime. Maybe a little less public drinking. Find a little self respect BEFORE fitting your finger for a wedding band.
Best,
Pegah
"Wait as long as you can to get married."
He has been in a miserable marriage for over thirty years now. So it would have been even better advice if he'd said don't get married at all. But women have ways of pressuring you into it. My wife could write a book. And it just gets harder the older you get.
I should tell the author of this article some of her more persuasive methods (so she could have finally trap herself a man), but I don't want them to come into popular use.
Feminism is about equal rights and equal pay, not about being abused as a sex object. Feminism is the exact opposite of being abused as a sex object. Stop looking for women to blame and put the blame squarely on the people who are behaving badly. It is called personal responsibility.
I think there are pros and cons to both the American and Iranian way of dating. But overall I'd choose the American version-- even if it makes courtship more competitive for women.
My Quote: If you want lasting love, Courtship to a Prince is a dance he'll gladly muster to perform.
If he's a vagabond, he'll flee or disrespect any courtship ritual and he's off to the next young lady.
--------------
Courtship has a purpose in society. Its the vetting process for both male and female. Its a lost art a forgotten dance.
Sex has lost it's value. Young people have devalued it. Sex isnt' just sex when you care for someone. Sex is the one thing that if you save it for a love, that means something not because your sex is special its because its not a buffet. It's a meal thats been saved for two people who want to show the other person that THEY mean something to them. Inspite of wanting all the other suiters they deny and abstain. If the only unique part of yourself is a daily lunch menu, how valued is your true love going to feel when you offer it ? How are you going to feel ? Empty not full. I know.