A Fathers Instruction Manual: Walking The Line Between Devotion And Direction

Ironically, many women who have the strongest relationships with their fathers also have the hardest time finding their own place and voice.

It's a fine line between unconditional support and overwhelming direction. He wants the best for you. But who defines what "best" means?

There is a difficult emotional terrain when a father's interest in his daughter's life extends to trying to control it. How does a daughter balance intimacy and independence?

Little girls love to please dad -- make him happy, make him laugh, make him proud.

But little girls grow up.

They become women who want to make their own decisions and make their own mistakes. When dad stays involved -- particularly as a mentor and guide -- independence can create alienation.

It is important to build a father-daughter relationship that allows you to grow into the life you want; not the one your father wants.

Greater Expectations:

Many women are learning what sons have known for a long time: fatherly expectation can be a heavy load to carry through life.

There's a fine line between mentoring and domination. Is your father pushing you to reach your potential? Or is he making it hard for you to trust your own judgment, learn from your mistakes and think for yourself?

Even when absent grinding criticism, some women find the mentoring relationship can still swamp the ability to lead an independent life.

Dad and Daughter Inc.

Nowhere is the mentoring relationship more difficult than when a daughter takes over the family business -- which recent studies say almost 35 percent of family businesses are considering.

Here the swirling issues of father, daughter and independence become ensnared in - and greatly complicated by - responsibility and money.

When Daughter Does Better, Does Dad Still Know Best?

The balance of power in a father-daughter relationship can also tip toward the daughter -- something very few daughters and fathers had to confront in the past.

Parents hope -- and the economy assumes -- that each generation will do a little better than the generation before them. But the assumption in the past came with a qualifier: sons were the ones who out-achieved. Daughters married those sons.

With economic equality at least in sight and the potential for women unlimited, daughters have joined the ranks of achievers - for the first time, a generation of women is in a position to out-achieve her father.

What happens when daddy's little girl has a bigger life and a bigger bank account that her father ever dreamed of?

For many fathers and daughters, her triumphs are his triumphs; her success is a reflection of all he did to help her achieve it. For a number of women, however, out-performing dad can surface resentment, embarrassment and the awkwardness of a father continuing to give advice about arenas he has never experienced and doesn't understand.

Embarrassment can seep into the relationship in the simple fact that their lives are turning out so differently from their fathers, especially when his life fell short of his own expectations.

Embarrassment can easily turn to resentment.

For other women, the discomfort comes from another place. Their fathers are trying to maintain a place in a life they can't possibly understand.

Parting thoughts ...

• How much of a factor was pleasing your father in your choice of education and career?
• If he was a major factor, are you happy with the choice? Could you tell him if you wanted to go a new direction?
• What does he want to see in your life?
• Are you chasing his expectations or yours?
• Can you feel like a success even if he feels you're not?
• When he criticizes you - is it helpful or hurtful?
• Do you fight back, or take it?
• If you are more successful than he is, do you still value his advice?
• Are you comfortable with the differences in your lifestyles?
• Could you see yourself buying him a car, or helping him with the mortgage? How would that make him feel? How would that make you feel?

 

 

Comments

[Valerie Keefe]

One wonders if these dads are too controlling because they listened to rather misandristic advise from some hackneyed gender theorist who told them they shouldn't be crying as often as they are, and the frustration is channeled in unhealthy ways.

[JimRinX]

Dear Barely Over Eighteen Females of the World:
If you Date an Older Guy, and your Daddy finds out - be sure to tell him that it was YOUR Idea to, "Come over and stay the night....(­significan­t pause)....Alone," that it was YOUR Idea to wear that Dog Collar (which looked Good, in a Punk Rock kinda way, on you Rene - Ms. Exemplar of my Point), etc..
Dear Daddies of women like the aforementioned Rene: If your Daughter's are 'Of Age', if they want to, "Come over and stay the night......Alone," then it is ungentlemanly to screw with her Stud Du Jour - as many of us actully Love OUR Young Lady as much as YOU DO.

[cjh]

No "Stud du jour" will ever love a woman with the strength of a Father's love for his Daughter. The biological imperative in parenthood is unimaginable until experienced It is nothing you want to mess with.

The best I can hope for is that my daughter may find someone who make's her happy. That's for her to find and choose, and I will have to respect her judgment, (I suppose). I *will* be watching for anyone who causes her pain by playing her emotions, or disrespecting her, though.

The intensity of a Father's love for his Daughter on its own - without overt action - will bring the Heavens crashing upon any such fool.

...so watch it, and if you love her, fine - treat her well. Don't mistake your feelings as holding a candle to her father's, though. Blood is thicker than water, and when Shakespeare wrote "Hell hath no fury...", he could just as well have been writing of a protective Father fury upon a mean-spirited player.

[MerhabaAbi]

Dear Barely Over Eighteen Females of the World:

If you Date an Older Guy and you find it's his habit to date younger women, understand that he needs to have an experience advantage over the women he's with. That's indicative of either low self-esteem or a desire to be in control.

To fathers of those women. Trust your paternal instincts.

Respectfully,
little brother

[cjh]

My paternal instincts are the closest thing I have to knowing the truth. I am a pacifist by nature, but an ape by lineage. I am also a little brother, as it happens.

[kar28]

I completely agree with this article!!! My entire life I've heard from my mom, "But your dad never steers you wrong, he knows what he's talking about." Then, from my dad I hear, "Do this, do that, but whatever makes you happy." Then, I get yelled at when I actually do what I want.

I'm getting married in 1 year and my parents are financially helping with the venue. My dad wanted to book a band for the wedding, but my fiance and I have grown up in a time of DJs, not live bands. Last week, my fiance and I met with the DJ and totally want to book him. I told my dad in a very excited tone and he completely turned it around and made snarky and mean comments. My dad's freaking out because he's totally losing control of his youngest and only daughter...me. But, I perpetuated the vicious cycle because I've listened to him for so many years. My parents wanted to give me an illusion of independence, but with every decision ask for their opinion........now I know what not to do as a parent. Too much loving is extremely dangerous.

[rnemzoff]

In ancient traditions, some of which continue to this day, weddings
took place at emerging adulthood and welcomed two children into the adult community. How different things are now, in the United States. The only function that American weddings universally continue to mark is the union of two individuals. Planning weddings can bring out the worst in everyone. Much understanding is necessary if ruffled feelings or worse are to be avoided.

Reading wedding websites can make one a wreck, but sometimes can be helpful. Weddings are an opportunity, however, for parents and children to negotiate their new relationship, one in which they no longer the closest relative. The relationship, however, can be both intimate and allow for independence. Focus on the feelings beneath the decisions, rather than the minutiae of the decisions themselves.
www.dontbiteyourtongue.com

[snapshot1940]

"What happens when daddy's little girl has a bigger life and a bigger bank account that her father ever dreamed of? "
All a daddy wants is for his Little Angel to be happy, as in "Happily ever after". If she makes a bigger and better life, then daddy will be bursting with pride. I know I am.

[janeadams100]

All parents have boundary issues with their grown children, and girls, no less than boys, may feel the burden of their fathers' and/or mothers' expectations and/or disappointments. Emotional independence is difficult to achieve within the context of connectedness, but finding the place where intimacy and autonomy can co-exist in a mutual relationship is necessary for true adulthood. In family businesses, women often fail because a founding father's view of her capabilities or wish for her future is limited by his adherence to traditional gender roles; even when she is the elder or the more able sibling - and her father knows it - power and control often pass over or around her, formally or informally, to her brothers or other male family members. www.janeadams.com

[cjh]

Heh! I misread the headline as "A Father's Manual", rather than "A Fathers Manual", and so was looking for helpful advice on how to do best for my daughter. I found some, but it was all pretty straightforward stuff I have already assumed. The Parting thoughts being aimed at the daughters was my tip-off.

Thanks, though. When you write "A Father's Manual", I'll be interested!

[iamEH]

I did the same thing, cjh. Apparently we have "possessive" issues. Badum ching!