Mallory was nearing 30 when her 60-something father got divorced from her mother and started dating younger women. As in much younger women--none more than a few years older than Mallory, and some even younger. Naturally, a few issues came up.
"First of all, he'd be a hung over mess every Sunday," says Mallory. "It was impossible to get him on the phone, never mind keep our regular Sunday breakfast date. And he started to think he was cooler than me, or something. Like, he'd tell me about new bands, or clubs or restaurants I 'really should try.' He'd make fun of me for staying in on a Saturday night."
But even more than that, seeing her father running around town, literally, with younger women struck Mallory on an emotional level. She was jealous, in a way, of all the fun he was having, and uncomfortably aware of her own passing youth. When a man her father's age wanted to date girls younger than she, what did it mean for her own prospects? Was she already an 'outdated model'? She became more self-conscious of her appearance both when she was around her father and when she wasn't. "I couldn't help but think that my father might think I was somehow too old to be worthy," she says. "And then I started to believe I was too old. I worried about my appearance in front of him more than a daughter should. And I'd see how he looked at my friends. It was all-around creepy."
We used to look at May to December romances as something sort of scandalous, but they're becoming far more common as divorce rates rise and our obsession with youth continues. More parents of adult children are dating, and marrying, partners who are as young as (or even younger than) their adult children. But not without consequence: When your parent dates someone near your age, it can cause rifts in your relationship, even if you're an adult. You don't want to act like your parents, and you don't want them acting like you.
Then, of course, there's the matter of sex. Jamie's mom started dating one of Jamie's co-workers, a guy Jamie had a secret crush on. "So there was that," says Jamie. "The fact that she was literally helping to shrink my dating prospects. But then thinking of them together forced me to see her as a sexual person. And I don't want to think about my mom having sex," she says--especially not with one of her own co-workers.
There has been a definite rise in women dating younger men. On one episode of reality show "My Mom is Obsessed," teen Chelsea complained about the fact that her 48-year-old mother, Kathryn, dates much younger men. Their mother-daughter nights out would often devolve into Kathryn drinking heavily and making out with random guys. Chelsea felt it was ruining their relationship. "I felt she was wasting her time with me," she said. At one point, Jamie's mother approached Jamie about double-dating. "She thought, why not? We're after the same guys," says Jamie, who routinely refused for that very reason. "It's not like I don't want to be friends with my mom, because I do. But I don't want to ever have to think of her as my competition. And everyone acts a little differently on a date, especially with a new guy. I didn't want to see that in her."
28-year-old Cara says she felt conflicted about her mother's two-year relationship with a 26-year-old artist. "In one sense, I thought it was great she could attract a young, good-looking guy," says Cara. "At the same time, I couldn't help but think she was being immature and a total hypocrite. She was always very strict while I was growing up, and there she was running around with someone who was barely out of his teens." More than once, Cara threatened not to talk to her mom anymore unless she started dating men her own age.
Seeing a parent date young may impact your own choice of relationships. Having to witness your father date overtly sexy women might make you question whether men are only interested in sex. Seeing Mom run after a guy you might have fancied in high school might seem as if she's trying to steal your thunder. Their interest in younger partners can make you wonder if you ever knew your parent at all. Although it was years after his divorce from her mother, Kari was still shock when her father began dating younger women. "Many of them were his secretaries," she says. "It made me feel gross, like he was taking advantage of them in some way. I wondered why he didn't look at them like they were someone's daughter."
What can you do? Though at times you may be feeling like more of the adult in the relationship, the fact is that your parents cannot be grounded. The best thing you can do is talk to them. Let them know how you feel, but also try to approach with some understanding. Moms and dads are human beings, too, and as may struggle following a stressful life event, like a divorce, which can often bring out the "teenager" in your parent and leave them wanting to feel loved, lusted after, youthful. Re-entering the dating scene may be frightening, and many men and women turn to younger partners because they see them less threatening--and less risky. Chances are they've been hurt before, and through there younger partners are seeking the same things everyone's seeking: respect, love, a chance to feel good about themselves. Go into the conversation with that understanding, and chances are you'll emerge with a better understanding of your parent--if not a promise to stay out of your dating pool.
This first appeared on HelloGiggles
Follow Dr. Peggy Drexler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpeggydrexler
I'm 58. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about this scenario because my daughter is 14.
However, I tend to date people that are in their mid to late 30s through about 50. Yes, I date younger and mostly because they have less relationship and emotional baggage to deal with. I don't need the drama. Lest you think it's just an age/beauty/youth thing, no it isn't. I date older, too, older than I am by a few years. I date people, not images of my fantasies.
Children, if you don’t like whom your parents are dating, say something once & once only. Then keep your nose out. Adults are entitled to be adults, live adult lives, and make adult decisions. If you don’t like it, that’s just tough.
One day you may have adult children & you may find yourself in a similar position. And what are you going to say to them if they are only following in your footsteps?
I've dated much older women and the best part about them is they know what they want and don't play games. They understand and accept male insecurity and make you feel comfortable and appreciated. They are also sexually uninhibited and don't have any problem showing you how attracted they are to you. They are just happy to enjoy an attractive young man.
When you compare that to young, insecure women who demand to be pursued and tend to reject men at the first sign of insecurity or for any number of small insignificant deficiencies, it's no wonder why young women feel so threatened. They really need to step their game up.
This is one of those things that caused the phrase "Get a life" to come into existence.
Any individual's relationships are about them, they are not, and should not be about their grown kids. If son or daughter has that large of an issue with it, they should figure out how to sustain the parent/child relationship without controlling their parent. I do not think adult children should be dictated to, either.
If I were the child in some of these stories, it would be the over drinking that would worry me, not my parent finding companionship and having fun. Once your kids grow up I believe you are entitled to have fun without answering to your kids. Parents earn that right. Many people like dating younger because they want to have fun and nothing more. Fun is good.
But she did it in my home city, where me and my siblings have all the connections and friendsips. Needless to say, without my father's protection....things have not been working out quite as she expected.
By the time we are done with her, she won't be able to get a job as dog catcher in Bolivia.
But I do like that part were you SKIPPED over my father paying for her papers, or her college, or her business. And her dumping my father for a younger man once she got what she needed. Nice.
And there is no "vengeance". There is "justice", one that UNLIKE HERE, does not involve violence but simply the fact all along she built a sense of "entitlement" without realizing all it was just people respecting my father's shelter (to call it something), one that evaporated into thin air the moment he finally realized he had been scammed. And so our friends stopped going to her gym. And when her license business was up, the landlord, also a friend, refused renewal. And when she wanted to teach a another friend's health SPA, she was denied.
She is going back to Russia sooner that she expected. THat I can guarantee.
But hey, if sticking out for grifters and souless people is your thing, more power to you.
MMmmmmok?