Talk about daughters and power, and the discussion inevitably wends its way to fathers. Fathers give girls confidence. Fathers set the bar in expectations about how to be treated by men. Fathers prepare girls for the world.
While the power of fathers in shaping the lives of girls is beyond argument, it also lacks dimension. It implies that young girls are powerless in the transaction -- simply paint-by-number projects. Good father, the spaces are filled in correctly. Bad father, they are filled in destructively. Absent father, they are filled in by others.
It fact, young girls are active and able participants in the lessons in power they absorb, and the power they exert within the family. Today, however, the triangle formed by fathers and daughters and power is experiencing tremendous change in it's lines and internal angles.
Daughters actively challenging or circumventing dad's dominion carries through to virtually every family sitcom. Daughter outmaneuvers hapless dad, lessons are learned, hugs all around at the end.
Consider The Simpsons. While it might be dubious to draw deep social significance from a cartoon, if the archetype fits, wear it. Homer is a dolt; Marge is passive; Bart is a sociopath and the baby is an accessory. Daughter Lisa is the brains of the outfit; and clearly the family's moral center.
Consider the economics.
Women make over 85 percent of consumer purchases, and they have direct influence over 95 percent of total goods and services. Their consumer spending power is $3.7 trillion. Women also buy 50 percent of the traditional 'man' items -- cars, PCs and consumer electronics.
Except at the very top, women have largely achieved workplace equality. A woman now commands the police force in the tough streets of Washington D.C. A woman now commands the helicopter that ferries the President of the United States. Certainly, there are still gains to be made; inequalities to address. But, considering where we started, they are mop-up actions in the wake of a victorious battle.
In a world where female power is both accessible and self-defined, what does that say about the lessons of power a girl learns from her father? Does it make those lessons more important than ever, or increasingly irrelevant?
Recent events complicate the answer.
In a reverse on the improving economic status of women, there is also the stress of changing economics for dads.
In my studies of women and families over the years, I have seen something totally new in family dynamics -- daughters who are far more successful than their fathers. I have talked to many women struggling to process the fact their own achievements have taken them to places their fathers will never go.
For some, there is embarrassment about out-achieving the man who taught them how to ride a bike. For others, there are questions. Said one young entrepreneur I interviewed: "I always wonder why my dad didn't do more with his life. And I feel horrible thinking that way, because he spent his life supporting his family."
The recession isn't helping. It has hit men much harder than women, with job losses highest in construction, manufacturing and other industries dominated by males. Even the former collapse on Wall Street has disproportionately bloodied the white collars of men.
Fathers and daughters will always share a special -- even primal -- bond; the only two members of one of nature's most exclusive clubs. A daughter's sense of self will continue to be shaped by the object lessons her father shares about how men treat women. Her sense of confidence as a woman will be shaped by how he reacts to her as a man.
The lessons daughters are learning about power from their fathers -- who has it, how to get it, how to use it, and what gender has to do with it -- is yet another critical piece in the creation of an new generation of women.
Follow Dr. Peggy Drexler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpeggydrexler
If I had a daughter, I would teach her to be just like her mother.
YES. Thank you! Two parental heads are better than one!
Nothing against my Dad. He's now 93 and I love him dearly, but I left home at 17 with zero self esteem or confidence and had to develop my sense of self all by myself after lots of disastrous or unhealthy relationships.
There is something about a woman that drives men crazy..... perhaps we are just plain stupid.
I learned through the love of people around me, and the church, that God can be a daddy sometimes too for a little girl less fortunate. And to God that little girl is a princess, a pumpkin, an angel, a shining flower, and she deserves the very best because that is his will for her.
In the case of earthly fathers, nothing can be more beautiful, or healing to his heart and very soul, than his little girl's smile. From the very first one.
Wonderful article.
Blessings.
Both of my step-daughters decided to hate me because they were kicked out of the home, despite the fact that it was Mom who asked them to leave. They have different fathers, and each of these young women is highly-dedicated to their respective fathers. One of these fathers is a drunk, the other is now deceased.
I can only stand to one side, apparently. The one saving grace is the fact that they are finally on their own. Both my wife and I have peace at last.
Oh, I read "impart" for "depart" due to the context of your thoughts.
This is a blinking neon sign-post of a culture that does not value the family, does not value relationship, doesn't really care about sacrificial love and is at base materialistic, narcissistic, and self-absorbed.
Very sad to see the beneficiary of the love, affection, and sacrifice embarrassed by it. Many years ago I was on my way to marriage with someone who, thankfully had a well timed moment of honest self reflection. She recounted how as a child and teen she was always embarrassed to be wearing clothes her mother had sewn. This despite the fact that her mother was a world class seamstress who's private work was always impeccable. That told me everyone thing I needed to know about her views on family, love, sacrifice. This woman's subsequent 3 divorces validated my running like a scalded monkey!
My hard working husband wanted to provide opportunities for his children to reach for their dreams. Our daughter knows that what ever goal she sets for herself, she has our full support, but she also knows her foundation was built by her father, and without that she would not have those chances.....its all abt mutual respect and acknowledging what we each bring to the family unit
As to the gal who is critical of her father, but at the same time sees that he spent his life making hers better - isn't there some self-hate in that statement?
If a male child out paces his father, he considers that he's done exactly what his father has wanted, and worked hard to enable him to do...... Is this woman questioning the achievements of her father simply because she thinks that as a male, he should have achieved more than any female, including her? Is her misandry for her father is a product of her own self hate?
Most forms of bias, from sexism, the heterosexism, to racism - usually stem from one's own feelings of low self esteem.
This piece was very refreshing. Most of what I read in this section is women blaming all the problems of the world on men, and claiming victimhood in everything from marriage to work, to politics.
Thanks for writing a great piece. As you say - the rest of the equality battle is "mop-up." Women are governors, senators, congressional reps, CEO's........ It's great for a female writer to acknowledge that achievement is now on the shoulders of women.
It's too bad men and women can't treat each other with respect and truly understand each other.
I think heterosexuals are too busy trying to get one-ups-manship on one another to truly understand each other. It's unfortunate.
Here's a link to a website that provides a list of male privileges. Not legal privileges, necessarily, but social ones. You may not agree with all of them, but they do bring up some interesting topics:
http://www.amptoons.com/blog/the-male-privilege-checklist/
As for media portrayals, they are usually ridiculous and may apply to only a tiny fraction of real people. Males & females are depicted as one-dimensional and usually portraying the worse stereotypes of both sexes.
Have you been following politics lately?
'There's an all out war on women.
Sexism and misogyny are THRIVING today. I'm not saying it's good for men, either, but at the root of this attack on women is the same patriarchy that still has a firm grip on America. The problem is, male privilege is blind to the men who have it.
So please stop spreading the myth of male privilege it's not doing are failing boys any good.
From compassion flow the natural correlates of love, which include better physical and emotional health, better well-being, better self-esteem, and even better longevity. All good things, and all available for free, with no negatives and no unintended consequences. Compassion helps to create better lives for all of us, and, is the most precious gift we can give to our children, or, to ourselves.