A Fathers Instruction Manual: Accepting Dad For Who He Is; And Who He's Not
Many women idealize their fathers and are crushed when they fall short of ideal.
Most of us don't expect perfection from ourselves or even their friends, so don't hold dad to a standard that is impossible to meet.
All relationships are works in progress, and the progress often depends on the quality of the work. Inadequate fathers and damaged relationships can be made whole with effort and patience.
Sometimes, fantasy is all there is. Idealization often fills an aching and often frightening void when dads are absent or unreachable.
Women invent "fantasy fathers" -- strong and dependable men who can be what there fathers are not. When dad has departed the man that is invented to take his place is uncannily similar: strong, protective and tender.
Do fantasy fathers help? Are they healthy? Do they leave room for another man in your life who must compete with a fantasy?
When dad is distant:
Women with distant relationships with their fathers create a kind of emotional choreography - in which both fathers and daughters play a part, but seldom depart from their practiced steps to find real connection.
One of the most painful and confusing passages in the lives of women is when dad is there, but changing. Whether mental, physical or emotional, the rock in their lives and the person they desperately want to please is suddenly different -- and so is the bond they shared.
Many women understand -- on one level -- at least that the change in their father has nothing to do with them. But on another level, it has everything to do with them. They see their father in pain and acutely feel the role reversal, where daughter must become the stable center, and figure out how to fix things, when they don't fully understand what is broken. Often, it is simply too much, and rather than continue the pain and confusion, they sever all ties.
Parting thoughts ...
- When was the first time you realized your father didn't know everything, and wasn't perfect?
- Do you find it harder or easier to accept flaws in your father versus your friends?
- Do you picture your father as he is, or how you want him to be?
- If your father chronically lets you down or is a habitual disappointer, can you write him off as bad luck and move on?
- Can you accept the bad in your father without losing sight of the good?
- When were you the angriest with your father? How did you handle it? How did it affect you? How did it affect him?
- Do you ever look for what you wanted in a father -- but didn't have -- in the men in your life?
- If you had to write a one page description of your father today, how would it be different from one you would have written when you were ten?
- If your father is not in your life, how would your life be different if he were?
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
As your maturity and intelligence grows, you usually find out that you're parents (both of them) aren't even close to the pedestal you've put them on. It's part of growing up. When you're a kid, a policeman is the ultimate in authority, even a demigod. When you grow up, you realize that if you'd taken another fork in life, you could just as easily have been a cop. One of the largest parts of maturity is learning that the pedestals you've built up are all imaginary, and then the lessons of life kick in. You go from "I don't break the rules because I'll be punished" to "I don't break the rules because I understand the need for them". It applies to parents just the same.
my daughter's were God's court of law
there's nothing left for Him to do.
And this is not a problem for men?
You have said almost nothing that doesn't also apply to the sons of fathers who fall short
... just sayin'
An honest book title would have been: Raising Boys Without Men, Why This Is A Really Bad Idea.
It is not a coincidence that we have a generation of children, many of whom were deprived of fathers, reacting in ways that show that deliberate fatherlessness is a vary bad thing for children, sons and daughters alike.
Children from fatherless homes are:
4.6 times more likely to commit suicide,
6.6 times to become teenaged mothers (if they are girls, of course),
24.3 times more likely to run away,
15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders,
6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions,
10.8 times more likely to commit rape,
6.6 times more likely to drop out of school,
15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager.
http://fat
Anyone who wants actual facts about the effects of deliberate fatherlessness would do far better to look up the many articles and resources on glennsacks
Interesting stuff.
You have a new fan
Thank you. I do my best to approach any issue that I wish to speak or write about with a firm grounding in the facts. I find that that keeps me from falling on my face... most of the time...
What is "deliberate" fatherlessness? I left my husband when my oldest son was only two because Dad was beating the crap out of me frequently and tried to choke me to death twice. The website you point to implies that most allegations of family abuse are simply a way to "vilify" men. One of the studies it cites is called "Marriage: The Safest Place for Women and Children." Of course, the first statistic on the front page is that "79.6% of custodial mothers receive a support award." Oh, will fathers never tire of complaining about their obligations?
I raised my son alone, and it wasn't by choice. We were being abused, and I can't even count the times Dad defaulted on his child support payments. As always, it fell to me to be sure there was food in the house and clothes on my boy's back, while Dad was too good to take a menial job such as those I had for 16 years. My son never went to bed hungry, but he never had the kind of involvement from me that he might have if his father had been a minimally decent person. No, my son did not grow up to be perfectly adjusted, but I did the best I could. What about his father? He was an abuser, and alcoholic and deadbeat. How is that my fault? What woman wants that for her child?
Deliberate fatherlessness is making a child without/before arranging to have the father be a willing co-parent for the child. If you didn't do that, then as Carly Simon wrote, this song ain't about you.
And, the singular of 'anecdote' isn't 'citation'
Further, you might want to aim your ire at the majority of non custodial women who pay not a dime in CS for their children. Dead beat moms exist, too.
For those who lost their parent to suicide, please consider that in their twisted ways, they strongly felt that you would better off without them. It's small consolation, but in a way, their suicide was an act of love for you- from a very unhappy and confused person-- but an act of love nonetheless.
Sorry. I don't buy it.
Is there any evidence to support this statement / conjecture?
No. Suicide is a selfish act.
It would be easier if you accepted the fact some people don't get along in fact most people don;t get along and the longer we go it seems it gets worse every year. The best advice a parent can give a kid today is get your first house paid for and never buy a new anything new except a house. The best advice a kid can give his parent is you had your chance now stay out of my way. I have never heard any expert say this anywhere. If you and you family are not right by 25 it will never be right. And you know what I mean. You'll waste alot of time and energy trying in vain to make it right and you'll arrive old and gray and wonder how your parents and family stole your life. How you come togther is in large part based on your family. That composite image isn;t usually pretty kind of camel like.
Same thing for sons. Actually i had contempt for my father growing up and only with therapy in my 20s did I come to realize what a wonderful person he was. Thank goodness I was able to love him in those last years. My oldest boy revered me. We were always very close. He took everything I had to give and built a larger, better, version of me. Yet he's always had anger. I left him and his mother when he was seven and he has always felt betrayed. I did betray him. It doesn't matter that I had to. I took away his perfect life. I own that as best i can. He's 40 now, and successful and has a lovely family. For the first time in his life he is feeling pain. We meet once a week for harrowing sessions of love and recrimination which leave both of us exhausted. Thank goodness he turns to me, if only to attack. That's trust. Advidse? talk a lot. demand talking. Insist on it
My dad died of congestive heart failure about 8 years ago; my mom and I found him in his bed. It was traumatizing on many different levels. For a long time I felt like a door slammed shut that day on healing, but it didn't really. Time has a way of doing its own healing--you learn to accept the bad with the good; you learn there is nothing super human about a parent. We're all just human beings muddling through it all.
He was a complicated man, but deeply good and deeply wise despite the parts of him that needed improvement. I can see how his childhood experiences shaped him into the father he became; it makes me very conscious of my own interactions with my daughter. I never let a day go by without hugging her, kissing her, and telling her I love her.
My most cherished posession is a note my dad wrote me when I graduated high school, telling me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. My most cherished memory of him is sitting on my bedroom floor with him, crying over a boy, and having him hug me and say I love you.
For me, the good parts mean the most; the bad parts were just my dad--like the rest of the world--trying to figure the world out in very human, messy ways.
I want to thank you for reminding me of a very important thing that almost got lost for me......"F
Funny how some things just find you the moment you need them.
What about if your father killed himself? My husband did 2 years ago when my daughter was 17.
She's yet to deal with it.
Oh how tough for her! Hopefully, she can face these issues when the time is right. My father was not around much when I was a child. I know him now as one adult to another, so though it was painful for me not to have a strong father figure, it may be easier for me now as he ages, because my expectations of him have always been pretty low, there are really no issues, and we can just enjoy each other's company. Hugs to your daughter.
I had a neighbor whose wife killer herself on HIS birthday.
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
