In the first episode of HBO's Girls, 20-something Hannah, played by Lena Dunham, gets a visit from her parents telling her that she is, from now on, cut off financially. How her parents choose to handle the discussion, and its fallout, is the fictionalized (and hilarious) version of something that plays out in American households all the time. One parent, Mom, is more direct with Hannah. Dad, on the other hand, reluctant -- like so many fathers of daughters -- to be the bad guy in any way, deflects the issue, turning an agreed-upon decision between two parents into something that Hannah sees as up for debate. Dad criticizes Mom as being too tough, while Mom criticizes Dad's softness. Hannah, meanwhile, knows her parents well, smells an opening on the issue, and figures correctly she has some wiggle room to change their minds.
This -- an usurping of power of sorts -- happens all the time, even among children who are younger and less aware than Hannah. When parents argue over parenting decisions in front of the children -- when they don't present a united front -- they open a door of parental uncertainty that kids jump through. Take 8-year-old Leo. Leo's mom Jennifer has a rule about eating on the couch: Don't. Leo loves to break the rule -- following the lead of his dad, Bob, who routinely lets Leo snack while the two watch TV together. In turn, Leo feels free to disobey the rule even without Bob's permission, and has begun disregarding other rules Jennifer has set as well.
Parents often have different approaches. We may have different philosophies. It's entirely normal, and natural, for one parent to be stricter than the other. Many parents establish individual boundaries: Mom might take a hard line when it comes to homework, for example, while Dad goes crazy over a broken curfew. Others may take a "good cop, bad cop" approach to parenting, alternating responsibility for being the heavy. Still others may abdicate all responsibility of confrontation to their partner: After all, disciplining children and teens can be anxiety provoking, and enforcing rules and having difficult conversations is never fun. This is fine so long as both parents agree to the roles they're taking on.
The problem, however, comes when parents get caught fighting -- about parenting or anything else -- in front of the kids, especially younger ones. Research has shown that kids learn to fight by watching their caregivers do the same -- or not. Of course, raised voices and uncontrollable tears happen -- we're all human, and raising kids is never easy. But calm discussions, by contrast, teach kids that disagreements needn't be drama-filled. And by calm, I mean mellow enough that you might as well be talking about ice cream. Most children are too young to understand that raised voices or heated back-and-forths might not end in someone "getting in trouble." Kids understand the difference between right and wrong. They don't understand the subtleties of what lies in between.
Think about the child who, following a disagreement, asks his parents if they're going to get a divorce. Mommy and Daddy know that's not the case (we hope). But for a child, that possibility is very real, even if you tell him it's not, and that's incredibly stressful. Any level of disagreement feels like the end of the world -- and that they're at risk for losing one, or both, of you. In most cases, a child will even put himself in the middle of the situation and blame himself for the upheaval: What was it I did wrong, he wonders? Or they'll feel conflicted about whether they have to side with one parent or the other.
Openly arguing gets trickier as the kids get older. When parenting teenagers, one parent may gravitate towards the role of peacekeeper. (Very generally speaking, we see this happen often with fathers of teenage daughters.) But older kids, purposely or not, can split parents -- especially when they want something -- pitting one against the other and turning a parenting issue into a point of contention between two adults who should be on the same team.
This doesn't mean parents or caregivers need to agree on everything, publicly or otherwise. It's important for kids to learn that raising children -- whether the caregivers are married in the traditional sense or not -- is a partnership, and that partnerships are give and take. In life, people don't always agree -- nor do they need to. But keep the content of your arguments away from the subject of parenting, and keep calm and respectful. As best you can, settle differences out of earshot of the kids -- and I'm talking about cold wars as well. Not speaking, dirty looks, undermining each other -- these are actions that may be unspoken but which kids can pick up on. And because they know something's wrong -- but they don't know exactly what -- they're left to guess. And guess what? Nobody wins.
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Second, I can't begin to tell you how much money I have earnedworking with clients whose parents never expressed feelings, or argued in front of their children. It's true that there are certain things that should be kept for private discussion between parents but trying control the expression of anger, grief and fear in front of children is no emotional or psychological favor to them at all. They end up thinking they are bad or broken when they themselves experience these normal feelings. And they get really good at repessing all that material and end up having to consult someone like me for years in order to learn how to identify, experience and express these feelings.
For one child versus another raised in the same home environ, the outcomes may (I suggest) be quite different. For one, parental turmoil may foment retreat and lifetime debilitation, for another it may be the catalyst that drives success. But then too, what might either of those children achieve over life in a less emotionally encumbered childhood situation?
These are the questions that pique science interest, but they are nearly impossible to resolve experimentally and most problematic to resolve via analysis of anecdotal accounts. Regardless, it goes without much repudiate evidence that the Doc’s advice is likely better than its converse.
Positively, adults model behavior that sets good examples of communication, love, gentleness, honestly, all positive traits that will make them exemplary adults.
Negatively, they learn about aggressiveness, hostility, dishonesty, and the kinds of anti-social behavior they see their adult models exhibit.
Be careful, the kids are watching and learning from you parents and the TV programs they watch without any parental guidance to offset negative messages.
" They Fxxk us up our mum and dad
They don't mean to
But they do ".
Parents or carers arguing in front of each other can give a child the sense that quarrels can be resolved if after the fight the adults are as equally demonstrative in their reparation . As one poster mentions passion can be a factor missing when all is ordered in the home.
To go back to my point there is nothing we can define as an absolute , except ,in my opinion Love.
When this is applied whatever the other dynamics the child will grow.
Stephen Sondheim wrote in INTO THE WOODS: "Careful the things you say, children will listen..."
only w/ one, an ornery character, have i had 1 major quarrel & 1 we got over fast
my marriage seemed dawn til dusk quarrel - not even about me - just vitriol about fellow workers or neighbors ... i didnt want to know about
& at best, a daily event w/ any woman in my past
now why is that?
men seem to respect harmony & manners & humor more.
I think we have covered all logical possibilities now. can we move on?
I would have loved to be raised in a house where there was some fighting, some strong discussion, some resolution -- to find out that it's not the end of the world. I would have loved to learn how to express my feelings properly. There has to be a balance here.
The kids are getting this with their siblings and at the playground directed at them. and by them. And it's too easy to let a relationship go because of a few hurtful words. or a mean action.
All I saw growing up was drunken insanity by night and denial of it in the morning. Not much of a method.