What's so hard about mothering? Aside from being everything to everyone -- including the eternal fountain of love, connectedness, support, and protection -- moms function as personal shoppers, cooks, janitors, bankers, and repairmen. We're responsible for scheduling appointments, social events, and homework. What's more, we're supposed to love every second of this.
I'm going to tell you a little secret: It's okay not to. (How's that for a Mother's Day gift?)
Before I had a child of my own, no one told me about the endless mental work of mothering. Sure, I knew about mothering duties -- those things noted above that fill the To Do list. But figuring out how to mother (and then actually doing it) is demanding both physically and mentally. A lot of the emotions can come as a shock. When I was raising my children, I frequently suffered a kind of dissonance between what I felt and said and what I was supposed to feel and say. I often felt angry, helpless, and frustrated. The psychic space that my children took up in my mind often felt overwhelming.
Though back then I was sure I alone in these feelings, I now know that's not true. Mothering takes softness, strength, and awe but it also involves suffering and sadness; despair; conflict; breakdowns and build-ups; learning to hold on and learning to let go. We suffer guilt: from not being there, from being there too much. It takes work to not lose yourself.
Every month, magazines publish articles featuring some flawless mother they've dug up from who knows where. But that's not reality. Real mothers are flawed. Real mothers know that the act of mothering is an ongoing and ever-evolving process. So this Mother's Day, embrace your "mompower" in whatever form it takes -- and remember that perfection needn't be one of them. Take the time to celebrate your strengths and your weaknesses, the good and the bad. Your kids, your marriage, and most importantly you, will be better for it. A few simple steps to get you started:
Remember that mothers are made, not born. In retrospect, if I had known this, I would have felt less concern about some of my "unnatural" reactions, like feeling pinned down, angry, or on-call. The fact is that a lot of parenting just doesn't come naturally. Only by making mistakes do we figure out what we still have to learn -- and unlearn -- as moms.
Before my son's third birthday, he very specifically told me he didn't want anybody to sing Happy Birthday. Figuring that my three-year-old really didn't know his mind, and wishing my mother had thrown me a similar party when I was small, I ignored his request. "He doesn't really mean that," I thought to myself. "He'll love it." When I led everybody in singing to him as the cake was brought out, he cried. I was embarrassed. But I also got a lesson in the importance of listening to my son.
Accept there will be bad days. At times, you might want to be anywhere else. Admitting as much doesn't mean you're doing a sub-par job or that you love your child any less. As mothers, we agonize, struggle, scream, learn, and make the same mistakes more than once. We are infantile at times; we feel blessed and feel cursed. We love mothering, we hate mothering.
Before I had kids, I rarely heard about those less-than-sterling moments, or about how raising a child would involve so much of me that I felt I had nothing left. The endless repetition of tasks often wore me down--and then the guilt would set in. I remember taking my son to the playground on intensely cold days. Shivering on the bench alongside some other poor mother, I'd watch him play and feel bad that I didn't want to be there. But who would?
Laugh -- and cry. And then get out of the house. Somehow, the joys of motherhood are supposed to erase all the less-than-terrific aspects of the job. Well, I have news for you. They don't -- not always. Motherhood comes with an incomprehensibly vast range of emotions, from the high of being so in love with your child to the desperation to get away. As a young mother, I didn't understand this.
When my son was born, despite being proud, excited, and enamored by my baby, I felt that the old me had disappeared. And that felt like hell. One day when he was being particularly irritable, I thought my head might explode. I love to swim, and all I could think about was heading to the pool. When my husband got home, I basically shoved the baby in his arms and bolted out the door. As I darted away, I felt like I had committed a sin. What I didn't know back then: The act of mothering should not obviate personal needs, and it's essential to carve out space for yourself.
Embrace the dark side. As much as I loved my children, I often felt stretched beyond my limits and overtaken by the sense of wanting to resume my old, less complicated and more fulfilling life. I did not enjoy the mind-numbing repetition that taking care of babies involves. I did not want the mind-boggling responsibility. I wanted my life to return to the way it had been. I hated myself for having these emotions.
I've envied other women who seem so content with mothering, women who are totally satisfied with that sole role. However, I've come to think that my envy is based on a myth. Kids are interesting. They're fun, and lovable and gratifying. But what exhausted, emotionally-tapped mother who's ready to scream if one more question, judgment, or mishap comes her way hasn't wanted to walk out the door and never look back? These feelings are normal. Give yourself permission to feel them.
Let them see you're human. How you respond to annoyances, how you answer the phone with impatience, how you snap at the end of the day -- a mother's every move is setting an example for her wide-eyed kids. That's an unreal amount of pressure. But listen: No one ever said that Mom had to be right all the time, or even most of the time. In fact, there are benefits to reminding your kids that you're only human, just like they are, and that mistakes are inevitable. And that it's how we recover from them that matters.
Overworked and stressed out, divorced mom Ursula was getting her two children ready for school when she'd finally had it with their constant bickering. "I said, 'I'm so glad you're going to see your father tonight!'" she recalls. The words were barely out of Ursula's mouth when she began thinking of all the rules she'd violated. She apologized while driving them to school, acknowledging that she'd said something hurtful that she didn't mean and assuring them she liked the time she spent with them. She may have felt awful, but what Ursula was teaching her kids was an important lesson in forgiveness and second chances.
Savor the little things. The most rewarding parts of mothering can be the easiest to let pass us by. But through our children, we can regain some of the wonder we may have lost as jaded adults. As Pam, mother of 7-year-old Cody, says, "Having Cody around has given me a renewed outlook on life. We go to the park. We sit down and talk about things. We eat ice cream on the back porch. I do things knowing they'd be something Cody would enjoy. And you know what? I find myself enjoying them, too."
Follow Dr. Peggy Drexler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpeggydrexler
Actually, if you set realistic expectations and stop worrying about comparing yourself to others...you don't have to...
First of all....WHY were YOU embarrassed? He was the one crying. So you had not followed a 3 year olds wishes? So? You are the mom....and the one throwing this party. He needs to learn manners, and this is lesson number one for him on being grateful.
One of the great things that I learned from my kids....to quote my daughter...."but I'm not you mom". Thank goodness my kids learned to be grateful and how to cut people slack as well as to keep boundaries. They learned that first with me. I also learned how to be grateful and how to give people space to be themselves without feeling guilty. I learned that by being their mother.
It's on June 17 this year.
I always call my kids to remind them to call their dad. They love and adore their father they are just young people with many things going on in their lives.....they'd probably remember in July sometime.
Thanks for playing.
The other part that I never know what people are talking about when they say it is this: "It takes work to not lose yourself." What does this even mean, "lose" yourself? You are you at every moment no matter what--even if you are faking it, it is you that is doing the faking. Even if everything you do is for someone else it is still you that is doing the doing. So I think this language of "losing yourself "is false and I'd like to know what someone really means when they use it.
Try telling that to a belligerent teen who resents everything his parents have tried to build in their lives and then they get hit with, "Yeah, you never understood me Mom and Dad...so I'm gonna drink and do drugs...and so if I make it through school, then you better consider us all lucky". Too common for most parents.
Her theory was that new parents are so besotted with their young children, they would never let them 'leave the nest' as nature demanded. The unlikable teenager makes it easier for the older parents to let go of their progeny and to 'kick them out of the nest', so that nature's cycle can continue.
surly teens...people forget!
We do it because it's important for our kids.