It seems with every new study, a few more bricks pop loose from the facade of gender assumptions.
Two recently hit us back to back. One said that women are getting less traditional about relationships, while men are getting more so. Another found a sharp rise in the end of marriages that have lasted 20, 30 years or more. And in two out of every three of them, it's the woman who initiated the split.
What's going on here? Is it the evolution of women? Is it the decline of men? Are we all going to hell?
Nope. It's just evidence of the long, slow decline of expectations.
The relationship study, run by biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher for the dating site, Match.Com, focused on 5,200 single men and women between the ages of 21 and 65. It was one of the largest studies of its kind.
It found some surprises. By 51 percent to 46 percent, men wanted children more than women did. A whopping 77 percent of women said that personal space in a relationship was important. For men: 58 percent. Some 35 percent of women wanted regular nights out with friends, versus 23 percent of men.
For those seeking some old-fashioned support for marriage there was this: 63 percent of single women said "yes" to the question "Do you want to get married?" For men, it was 61 percent.
These numbers are all the more interesting when you consider that 96 million Americans are single -- one third of the population, the highest percentage of singles in 60 years. For those 25 to 29, it's 47 percent.
Let's move to the other end of the spectrum, where a review of the Census finds a spike in baby boomers ending long marriages at a time when the divorce rate for all Americans leveled off and is trending down.
The Census tells us about one quarter of couples recently divorced were married 20 years. For couples married between 1955 and 1984, the number of marriages making it 20 years has dropped by 20 percent.
There are the poster couples for late-life divorce; the Gores, the Schwarzeneggers. We're starting to see them show up just down the block. In the past, and certainly in the headlines, it's often men behaving horrendously. But not necessarily.
Many of us have received the phone call I got several weeks ago from a long-time friend. I'd said "hello" and was on my way to "How are you?" She blurted out "Steve and I are splitting."
I braced myself for the tearful announcement of other women (maybe man, but, no, probably woman). There wasn't one. "It was my idea," she said. "I did it. " We have different interests. We have different friends. We don't even watch the same TV shows. All that's holding us together is inertia and community property."
A little research turns up some good reasons for these late boomer splits. Longer lives means more time to be happier. Women have money. Older kids tend to take it in stride. And divorce -- at any age -- is becoming about as remarkable as an anniversary.
Are men more like women and women more like men? Not really. What's changing is society; finally, slowly, getting out of the way of our ability to live the life we want, not the one others expect.
Follow Dr. Peggy Drexler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpeggydrexler
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What should be holding you together are the vows you made to each other. If you weren't interested or prepared to live those vows, than why did you get married? Just date forever if you're unwilling or incapable of that level of commitment. Also, what you're describing is called "individuality" and it's actually important to healthy marriages that last. Marriage is about sharing your lives together, not living a single life.
"What's changing is society; finally, slowly, getting out of the way of our ability to live the life we want, not the one others expect."
Really? If you've been living life the way others expect you to, than no wonder it's all falling apart. That's a simple idea I hope most of us figure out when we're in our early twenties. Unless you mean people choosing to get divorced instead of staying married simply because they're afraid of the stigma. But if that's the case, let me refer you to my first point....what the hell were you doing getting married in the first place.
We all -- wait -- most of us, agonize before and while making such life changing decisions, kind of like, we all -- wait -- most of us, agonize before we make other life changing decisions, such as whether to continue a pregnancy or not. Give us more credit than that... and BTW, your snide comment is why we gals insist most of you guys don't really respect us.
I don’t believe a word of it (what is being said, not the results of the survey)! :)
I'll also add that the women seem to do better than the men post seperation.
Selfishness is relationship poison, you can't love well if you are to busy being in love with yourself. We see self help books and pop psychology constantly encouraging people to like themselves more, do what they want to do for themselves, to always put "ME FIRST". This kind of attitude is toxic to long term stable relationships and family bonds. We need to stop promoting selfishness as the key to happiness when love unselfishly and completely works so much better in our little brains. Sacrficing for your family is a joy when you love unselfishly, the pains of life and work are easier to bear when you have a good reason, but when there is some new age nagging book peddler telling you that you don't have to do all this stuff it makes giving seem like a bad thing.
We don't need people to be more empowered we need people to be more caring and loving. We need people to put their family before their ego, pride, and social status. We need women to love their husbands fully and husbands to do the same for better or for worse. That bond should be stronger.
Drifting apart happens when your not that close to begin with and you have a weak heart for loving.
Selfishness is a MAN-made concept, designed to make those who refuse to be treated with respect feel guilty for wanting that.
You see women have been getting respect and demanding it while men have been doing their best to accommodate those demands. If men demanded as much respect we could waste all of our time debating who get's treated better instead of one gender working hard to accommodate the other whilst the other gender spends their time thinking of new things to complain about.
We should not encourage people to be selfish as the solution to all their problems. The most important thing a women can do to get respect from her partner is to choose him well. Restructuring the whole society to get your disrespectful husband to behave is not a practical solution.
And yes, it is possible.
Only the very brave and clever didn't marry a generation ago. Women HAD to marry to survive.
It pains me that my Mom was ultimately very disappointed with what she perceived as the prison of servitude called "housewife."
It's all about dollars baby. In America that's freedom.
Besides, I think those numbers will change with time as well.
The family unit, as it used to function, is no longer necessary especially since most professional families (both partners are working) rely on nannies and daycare providers to raise their children. I think that some more specifics on this trend would be really interesting to know. For example, has divorce increased among all racial/ethnic groups? Are there any racial/ethnic groups that have seen a decrease in divorce? What income tax bracket has seen a sharp increase/decrease in divorce?
litdaily.wordpress.com
IMHO, monogamous pairing isn't necessarily the norm among us tribal beings: though one-on-one pairings, both hetero and homo, are in the curve or normalcy, they aren't necessarily the totality of the norm... as a society, we've not engaged the dynamics of pairing and parenting in the most commonsense ways, though we've certainly succeeded in creating a host of societal ills that threaten to devolve us into the Stone Age.
Though I feel for those who have not found permanent family situations, such as my daughter and son, I also feel glee that the 'traditional' marriage customs are undergoing severe dissection and disruption... and quite frankly, I can't imagine why, in this day and age, anyone would want to 'commit' marriage, other than for economic reasons.
Full disclosure: I 'committed' marriage twice, neither lasted more than five years... I've been in a common law relationship for 20 years, now, and wouldn't think of ruining what we have by taking marriage vows, though we don't begrudge others, including gays, wanting to spare no expense, to the tune of thousands of dollars sometimes, in order to be star-for-a-day in their wedding fantasy party, even against the current odds of their union turning out to be one of the few who find the 'happily ever-after'.