The Incredible Shrinking Man

If television reflects the state of the sexes, men are in trouble.

I've watched two episodes now of ABC's Cashmere Mafia and I see a gaggle of males who are insecure, dependent, jealous and damaged. I caught a few episodes of Big Shots, and I see stooges with money - self involved twits who endlessly discuss their sorry lives over Scotch and cigars. And on the first episode of HBO's In Treatment, a patient tells her therapist about her boyfriend crying because their relationship wasn't going anywhere and he wants to start a family. "Haven't you heard," she said, "men are the new women."

OK, I'm not talking heavyweight social commentary here. But collectively, these shows say something different is going on in the world of men. There is a new man out there. But is he the man we're seeing on television? Partly, yes. Mostly - and thankfully - no.

In the Cashmere Mafia there is no doubt about the women: smart, tough, poised, stylish, on top and in command. But the men are hazy - split among babies and bastards, not terrible as much weak. Granted, this is a show written for women. But it at least raises a question about experience and expectations.

Conversely, and interestingly, there is also a new woman on television. Pick a cop show, and the female partner is Dirty Harry - only nicely accessorized. On Law and Order SVU, Olivia even beats up an occasional perp.

It's confusing out there in the world of XY chromosomes. We need to sort a few things out.

I'm all for the newly-expressive male. But there is a fine line between a man who is in touch with his feelings and one that clutches them to his chest in a weepy embrace. At what point does a man unburdening his emotions make you wonder: "Did Steve McQueen ever do this?"

Now the good news. Studies show that men are, in fact, changing.

And one of the changes will have a lot to say about the next generation of kids: families have moved to the center of their lives. Maybe it's working wives; maybe it's the distance they felt from their own fathers whose sole responsibility was to sole provider; maybe it's another evolutionary click of the wheel away from the days when men went out in the morning to kill for food.

Whatever the combination of reasons, there is a new dad in the house. According to Dr. Warren Farrell, the author of the book Father and Child Reunion, the desire of dads to be involved with their children "is to the twenty-first century what women's desire to be in the workplace was to the twentieth century."

A 2007 survey by the employment Web site Monster.Com found that 70 percent of fathers would consider being a stay at home parent if money were no object. Almost 50 percent of dads of school aged children took paternity leave when their employer offered it.

It's also obvious in small moments. Men hug more, they help with homework, they listen more, they even leave early for soccer practice. Men have not become mothers; but they have come far from the distant, silent providers of the past.

I say welcome, new man. You have never been more important. And I know you're not the one I see on television.

Get a pedicure if it makes you feel good. Have your back waxed if you want to. And by all means continue your evolution into a, breathing, loving, contributing member of the family.

But, if possible, please:

Don't chatter about your feelings, tell us what you don't like about your bodies, botox your eye wrinkles, or order Appletinis. And outside of family tragedy, the end of Brian's Song or when they put down Barbaro, keep the tears to a minimum.

Comments

[lungfish]

Well, the kind of man that we are becoming is being noticed but watch women on the dating scene and you will see the kind of man they prefer... and most of us aren't it.

[BeyondGoodAndEvil]

That's correct.

[loril]

As the wife of a great guy and the daughter of another great guy, I am really getting tired of the man bashing/buffoonery. Perhaps this is another reason why my TV viewing is very limited, and mainly limited to programming made in other countries.

Everyone needs to remember that women used to be portrayed in a very sorry light in the media...either as domestic drudges or sex kittens. When women finally got a little more power and influence, they enjoyed turning the tables and what you see now is the end result.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to usher in a new era where men and women were shown as being just people...with individual foibles as well as strengths?

I have heard several people (men and women) complain about the constant one-sidedness in media portrayals of the genders. Maybe the audience is growing tired of it. I married a little later in life and had protracted period of being a single working woman...but I can proudly say that I never watched even one episode of Sex in the City and I found Ally McBeal annoying as hell.

I'll take a guy who is real any day over some robot who stifles his human emotions. Don't over-analyze it. If a situation brings you to tears, let it out. If it doesn't don't force it to score points in the sensitive male sweepstakes...savvy people can tell when you are faking it anyway. And women who mirror only the most negative stereotypic male traits (unneccessary confrontation and aggression, vulgarity in inappropriate settings and predatory interactions with the opposite sex come to mind) are just assholes...same as the guys who act like this. Nobody should get a free gender pass.

[EspressoAtNoon]

A+

[SharonWantsToTalk]

Bullshit. I say let them cry and let them chatter about their emotions. The constant image of tough guy our men and boys are expected to hold up damages their full potential. While we are on the subject of media portrayal, I find it upsetting that men can be a constant target in sitcoms as marginalized bafoons. They are consistently being presented as clueless morons. The butt of many disparaging jokes. If you tried to portray a woman this way, the responding organizations would be screaming discrimination. I find it upsetting as a mother of 2 boys who watch. What message is this sending to their self worth?

[desthmoneses]

this may sound kind of wierd but this is in large part from sponsors who want to train young girls to ignore men, if you look at the numbers men spend far less then women even while still earning more. If men are marginalized they will be ingored by women who decide to blow a years savings at macy's because they can, with the economy down this has becomemore important than ever to businesses that rely on female shoppers. Honestly without women places like clothing stores, decorating stores, and shoe shops would lose billions every month, and they will do anything to not let that happen. So in the past 10 years men are portrayed as stupid, incompetent, and largely inadequate without a woman to tell them what to do, and its been effective. If women want it to stop, keep your purses shut.

[WorkingClass]

White men are fair game. Its been like that a long time now. Especially in the Democratic party. The Democrats should invite the white men back in. But they just cant stand us. In the end it will be white men who will organize the opposition to single party rule. Go back in history and see what happens to anybody who fucks with us.

[auntyhattie]

Yep. An endangered species, as my husband keeps telling me. And then he laughs like hell.

[kellygrrrl]

the more things change, the more they stay the same.

[angel66]

Typical nonsense. Some women buy into this awful SITC fantasy and expect men to be all things. They live vicariously through Carrie's independence while she waits and whines for Mr. Right to save her. Gag.

[MelvinZHoppe]

aint' that the truth. believing what is portrayed on tv is the first bad move. what a paltry little superficial simile. in any case as a man, for gods sake lets be men and show our rage! our strength. get out and protest and stop the war machine! the gross inequities in our financial system. take care of a kid! write letters to your bought off representative. someting. Its all there for those to see. and I am talking about myself, sitting here on this computer typing bs. A man in my book is a person of ACTION. Its ww3 in this country folks, we are being run over by twits in suits at merrily lynch and the banks, by the halliburtons and the lockheed martins. don't just sit there. lets march to their doorsteps! vent off

[MelvinZHoppe]

all well and good but the real problems we face in this country are the men without the guts to get out and protest and stop the war machine and the gross inequities in our financial system. Its all there for those to see. and I am talking about myself, sitting here on this computer typing bs. A man in my book is a person of ACTION. Its ww3 in this country folks, we are being run over by twits at merrily lynch and the banks, by the halliburtons and the lockheed martins. don't just sit there. lets march to their doorsteps!

[SamThornton]

A cynic might imagine that themes, story lines, and plots in popular entertainment are dictated less by the winds of cultural change than by the imperatives of capturing the attention of the 18-34 year old female demographic. You know, the group that spends the most on the crap TV advertisers currently flog.

Little wonder, given the state of education and sophistication evinced by this target audience, the cynic might muse, that we are treated to the soporific mush and adolescent musing that comprise our daily dramatic fare.

I'm glad I'm not a cynic.

[tbone99]

Yeah well tv has portrayed the well off single father with kids over and over for decades. Yet they are a miniscule fraction compared to the reality of millions of single mothers struggling to get by.

TV has nothing to do with reality.Obviously there are millions of people of color or gay in this country unportrayed in any kind of ratio close to their demographic.

The only reason they show these things is because the exception gets our attention.

[rini]

I think it's less politically correct to step on someone when they are down. This is how the change in men on TV began. It was considered ok to make fun of the privileged white male (and rightly so.)

One shining example? Homer Simpson.

[LordMoon]

If your believe that what you watch on T.V. is real, your the one who is in trouble. To say that your, comments, are a sweeping generalization, is all too obvious.

The women portrayed on these shows are little more than men in drag, without any femininity, only determined to satisfy desires which can never be satisfied. With all the warmth of reptiles stalking insects.

When the fundamentalist christians take over, because there the only ones having families, these shows will be viewed as clownish, exhibitng characters, created by emotional cripples suffering from identity disorders and anorexia.

[Guitarsandmore]

“The Nanny Diaries” is a movie that perfectly illustrates why men should stay home more and spend time with their families rather than work days, nights, and weekends. If you are going to have any influence on your children at all, you have to be home when the kids are home. Furthermore, children really need and want you there too.

I worked all through my thirties 24 x 7, and at age 39 started to wonder where all those years went. I slowed down, got married, started a family and have never regretted it. I never miss anyone or anything from the places I have worked but my family is like gold to me. My free time is priceless. Who would want to work if you didn’t have too?

[dstanley]

Reading stuff like this makes me glad I don't watch TV, and terrified of what my children will grow up watching.

I'm just glad my generation grew up watching Gilligan's Island, no goofy, incompentent men there!

[SharonWantsToTalk]

Gilligan's Island Just ain't the same dstanley.

[Computer Geek]

For any man that misses his father who has passed on like mine has, Field of Dreams makes me bawl like a baby. Just at the moment when Costner realizes the catcher is his father and he's got a second chance (no I didn't have a bad relationship with my father - just the opposite), it's the thought of spending more time with my Dad and is the one true wish that I would give everything I have monetarily to fulfill. If that qualifies me for the role being discussed here, then so be it. I would rather be loved and cherished by those in my life that matter. I would rather be feminine if that's what defines it. It is a much happier and peaceful place than being the angry neanderthal man that has been the accepted norm for men in the past. Many of my coworkers probably wonder if I'm gay (even though I'm married with a 2 year old who I love to death). But you know when you think about it, you're only here for a short while, it's much nicer to love and cherish than to hate and domineer. And you get a lot more back from everyone when you do (as I have discovered).