Say goodbye to Daddy's Little Girl -- the dependent, passively feminine daughters we used to know. In their place, we're seeing an updated, fully re-designed model of the young female -- ambitious, educated, worldly and in need of nobody's protection. Women, for the first time, make up more than 50 percent of the American workforce. Dads play a key role in this shift. Instead of sheltering daughters or preparing them for the time-honored matrimonial hand-off, fathers today have a hand in raising powerful women who are fully capable of making their way in a competitive world where, by the way, the competitors don't always play nice. Dads who once might have defined their roles as helping daughters prepare to be good wives now see it as preparing them to make and manage money, compete for jobs and handle relationships in a life that may or may not include a husband. They're preparing their daughters to be independent, strong-willed and tough.
This is showing up in how dads relate to, and interact with, their daughters early on. More and more fathers are treating their little girls like they might have treated sons in the past: teaching them to fish, taking them camping, familiarizing them with things like car parts and power tools, and encouraging them to pursue careers in male-dominated fields. Like Sarah, a young lawyer whose father coached her, at 9, to become one of the best players in the neighborhood's all-boy whiffle ball league. And Margaret, whose dad taught her how to bargain for the best price on plastic bugs during their regular father-daughter flea market outings. By changing up some long-held assumptions about parental roles and responsibilities, fathers and daughters are moving quickly to a whole new kind of connection. It's a connection that is increasingly, and very healthily, gender-neutral.
That's not to say it's not an even swap: Daughters aren't exactly becoming the new sons. It's a misconception that once girls flood the playing fields, the halls of higher education and the workplace, the relationship between fathers and daughters simply recalibrates to the one enjoyed by fathers and sons -- maybe even better in the absence of testosterone-fueled competition. In fact, the new father-daughter relationship is filled with just as many differing dynamics as the old one or, for that matter, as any parent-child relationship.
One challenge I've seen come up through my work with families is that often even the most involved fathers aren't as physically present as daughters would like, and dads often aren't in tune to see how this may affect their little girls. A report from a 13-nation team of psychologists revealed that daughters may experience "rejection" from one parent, but most typically her father, in a far more dramatic way than she experiences similar rejection from the other parent. The parent with the power to reject is often the one she perceives as more powerful; that is, if a daughter perceives her father as having higher prestige than her mother, he may be the more influential in her life. In this way, science tells us that fatherly love and affection is critical to a daughter's development and perception of her own value.
At times, I saw this play out firsthand. While our daughter was growing up, my husband's BlackBerry often drew him into an alternate universe where the rest of us were not necessarily welcome. His work frequently preoccupied him and took him far from home for long stretches, and at one point he lived in New York while we stayed in California. Weekends when he returned home were always highly anticipated by our daughter. One Friday afternoon, it fell to me to pick her up from school and break the bad news: There'd been a change in plans. He hadn't thought to call and tell her himself. She started to cry.
There are benefits, however, to this new closeness: Traditionally, fathers and daughters have struggled to regain the connection they shared when the girl was very young: the time of shoulder rides and tickle attacks. Idealized fathers live best in memory, and as daughters grew up, there was less and less to bond father and daughter beyond the love they had for each other. Today, though, fathers and daughters have much to talk about, worlds to share. Learning to hit a curve ball or make the smart career move -- once largely the arena of fathers and sons -- is now fully and joyfully open to fathers and daughters.
Even better, this evolving relationship isn't limited to what's happening at home. Each election year, I wonder: Who will be the best candidate for women? Whom can I entrust to the job of creating a world where my daughter will thrive? The surprising answer is that it's not necessarily a fellow female. A study sponsored by Yale University and the National Bureau of Economic Research showed that male lawmakers with daughters are more likely to support women's issues than those without them. It is a political application that mirrors previous research showing that, just as fathers change daughters, daughters change dads. In his book Fatherneed, Kyle D. Pruett M.D., the father of daughters, wrote that daughters make fathers think differently about the world and the future it offers. And, of course, in the four years he's served, President Obama has found occasion to reference his daughters, Sasha and Malia, as reasons for supporting or opposing certain issues or policies. In the Obamas we've had a real-life example of the changing relationship between daughters and fathers everywhere.
At last, it's looking like we might put away some myths and reconfigure some truths: that girls marry their father; that the connection with little girls must change when they become big girls; that father is the hammer and mother is the unconditional love. For fathers, breaking free of assumptions about who and what they are in the parental mix means the joy and satisfaction of more -- and continuing -- participation in shaping their daughters' lives. And for daughters, it is the opportunity to tap in much more directly and deeply to a reservoir of experience, perspective, and support than might have been possible in a world where the father's role was more strictly and narrowly defined. It's a win for everyone.
Follow Dr. Peggy Drexler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpeggydrexler
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You're right, now women are being raised with well developed princess complexes and an extreme sense of entitlement.
Just take a look at all the single women complaining because there are no "good men" left.... lol
But to be honest I'm not sure who you're referring to considering that the most common family structure today is one that doesn't include a father... the single mother...
He also stressed being entirely responsible and accountable for myself - something that seems to be missing in this "having our cake and eating it too" gurl power era.
My son's fiance is a very proud, in your face Daddy's girl. He just gave my some some fatherly counseling about expecting to be a stay at home dad, and how in this day and age it's a "good thing".
She and Daddy decided she is going to head the household, but still needed her Daddy to break the news for her.
Oh. And she says you need to vacuum and take out the trash more. SHE works HARD.
He's looking for an apartment today...
...and I was oh, so sad....
By the way? Have you gone to see your recruiter yet? Lot's of wage gap in the military, but it's women getting promotions and equal pay without equal qualifications or deploying like men have to.
THE perfect Affirmative Action for women!
I was lucky enough to have a father who was very modern - playing sports, discussing maths and physics - and we were very close. But this cost my poor mother dearly. She was left working AND doing housework while Dad cared for me, and ended up spiralling into a deep depression which ultimately wrecked their marriage. Imagine the poor woman's reaction when I went to live with Dad and she was left alone! To this day she understands none of my interests (maths? physics? computers? science fiction?) and has absolutely no idea how to hold a conversation with me.
Both her and Dad's later girlfriend became incredibly envious of my relationship with my father, attempting to sabotage it by claiming that they could interpret my womanly thoughts and actions. For example: "Rebecca doesn't like that present but is too shy to tell you" or "Rebecca has chosen not to have children but didn't want to disappoint you." During my teens my poor father spent about four years being told I was pregnant and on drugs on a near-weekly basis! Of course, I never was!
I frequently see professional women working all hours and still carrying the burden of chores. While the fathers can spend all weekend having fun with the children. It seems to me that modern fatherhood is a wonderful thing, but modern motherhood is a nightmare.
You DO know women outlive men, and it's not because men were lounging around taking it easy while women worked themselves into an early grave.
You know, if your father wasn't in your mother's life, she still would have had to clean and cook and do all those things that sent her spiraling into depression, because seriously - housework really isn't THAT horrendous is it?
When you went to live with Daddy who did the housework?
Both my mother and mother in law are now widowed. After a few years I think either one of those ladies would love to have that man back, annoying them, throwing their socks beside the hamper instead of in it.
But those men are gone....and they aren't coming back. Ever.
My neighbor's husband has cancer and isn't going to be with us much longer...it brings tears to my eyes to see her wash his clothes or his breakfast plate as though it is the last precious time she might.
Soon enough it will be, and she won't have to keep score of who did what last time anymore...
The ancients gave us some wisdom we should still follow today. They gave rise to the stable family through institutions like marriage that formalized the partnership between men and women. We no longer need the defined roles but we still need make these relationships our priority. From these families we give birth to larger networks of family. This is a communal core in a exploitative capitalistic world.
Fathers need to keep themselves in the family. They need to be apart of this community and not just an additional source of income and resources for women and children. Like the other members of the family they also need love and support that goes beyond the families ability to exploit them financially.
Women are formidable gatekeepers, especially with the power of The State behind them to do wo.
How many of your sons are going to suicide this year, Daddy dear, Daddy dear? 90% of suicides are male.
How many of your sons are going to die in war this year, Dad?
How many of your sons are going to drop out of school?
How many of your sons are going to be denied scholarships because of their gender?
How many of your sons will become homeless, alcoholic, drug addicted or suffer from post traumatic shock syndrome this year, Daddy dear?
How many of your sons will lose custody and not be allowed to be in their sons life, Pops? How many will go to prison because they can't afford their wage slavery obligations?
How many of your daughters will sign up for selective service or increase the measly 14% female military volunteers this year, Daddy dearest? How many will actually serve on the front lines?
Happy Father's day, and be proud you are "allowed" to be a father.
The more cutting edge discussion, from my point of view, is how fathers raise their sons. How much room do we give our sons to be gentle and kind men before homophobia interferes and fathers say "Man up!" And what kinds of messages and modeling are dads doing to help sons make this world safer for all our daughters? Sexual assault and domestic violence rates are epidemic in this country.
Now before defensive men start ranting, let me state clearly: MOST MEN ARE NOT BATTERERS AND RAPISTS. Duh. However, not many men are willing to challenge their fellow men when they see objectification and disrespect of women ("Wow, look at that piece of ass!") and fathers don't step up to help sons learn that issue of respect (as well as teaching their daughters to EXPECT that), we perpetuate a culture in which these epidemics grow rather than wane. Hence my book: "Real Dads: Men Embracing Nonviolence." (see www.realmensproject.org)
For more along these lines, see: http://girlwpen.com/?p=1639, www.vday.org/v-men/meier, and my Huffington Post piece for Father's Day: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dani-meier/marriage-equality_b_1594611.html
That's not true, the rates of these things rates are in line with he rest of the developed world. It's time we stop fearing the average male or assuming we need to do something special to keep them form raping and beating women. This male is in itself harmful to young men who are burdened with these negative stereotypes.
We need to treat the few dysfunctional men out there as aberrations. What our boys need is a loving and supportive environment that sees the best in them instead of fearing the worst. If we must focus on something in regard to negative behavior it should be how boys treat each other. It's males harming other males far more often than they do females. In a area like murder a male is 4 times as likely to be a victim for example. Boys also have a suicide rate that's 4 times higher than girls.
The focus on helping girls has gone on for decades, and now it's time for us to remember what it takes to raise strong self confident, productive men who love themselves and others. We have to work hard to show these boys the same compassion and empathy we do girls so they can feel reassured that their welfare is a also a top priority in our society.
I'm only 27, so my dad is a modern dad and he is still my go-to-guy for advice. He (and my mom) havs always encouraged me to dream, to take a chance and try and to excel to the best of my ability. My dad taught me the skills I would need to be an indepedent, successful, intelligent, happy person. As a child, I never appreciated the fact that my dad was always there for everything from soccer games to drama productions; even if I hardly had any playing time or only one line in my school play, my dad was ALWAYS there. Looking back, not many of my friends could say that. And now that I'm older, he and my mom are still my #1 fans but the advice my dad gives now is alot more practical and useful for the stage where I am at in life.
The older I get, the more women I run into who have bad father-daughter relationships. I don't have the mental/emotional "daddy issues" when it comes to men and romantic relationship because I had such a healthy relationship with my father and I am endlessly thankful for that.
I will always be grateful for my father and I pray that the father of my children is half the dad my father is.
Or, maybe his position required him to be constantly available to work and he got sucked up into it. Not necessarily selfish, though I agree with the sad part. Bad habits don't always equal bad character. Personally, I spend as little time at work as possible because I want to be a good father two my kids. But, I can relate to and understand the demands still placed on men to be good providers. I think we should be careful to respect those responsibilities.
but really, the days of a father preparing his daughter simply to become a "good wife" have been long gone for some time.
My (ex) wife once said to me: " I want our daughter to grow up and be a good wife to someone, not plan for a career." What? ( This was during the worst phase of my exes "Christian" conversion)
Not on my watch, I said. My daughter is going to be strong and independent. And now she is, thank God.
I think I speak for many Dads when I say we are grateful that the world of opportunity has opened up for our daughters.