I have a friend who has sterling liberal credentials. She supports choice; she hates guns; she embraces all; she goes door-to-door for Democrats.
She has just learned her son is gay.
It wasn't one of those heartfelt "mom-dad I have something to tell you" moments. He outed himself on his Facebook page with a photo of himself and a friend that left no room for interpretation.
As she struggled between swallows of chardonnay for the right words to describe how she feels about this news, it occurred to me that behind the big issues are small stories.
For many parents, it is the realization that this child - loved and accepted though he or she might be - is somebody, at least in one big aspect of their life, different from who those parents thought they were. For many children, it is a test of whether the love and respect of their parents withstands the news, or now carries an asterisk.
What happens from that moment on says a lot about families, the times and the tricky personal navigation between opinion and belief; between what we say and what we feel.
Over past months, we've witness some fascinating examples of that navigation, as a spate of rabid all-gays-go-to-hell conservatives are dealing with the coming-out of gay children.
Unlike the legions of conservative families who embrace their gay and lesbian children; these have reacted with public and angry dismay. They represent an interesting collision between belief in family and forgiveness and the certainty that homosexuality is not only biblically banned, it is a choice: "you are electing to be something I abhor because you think it's fun."
Alan Keyes, the bible-waving conservative activist who moved to Illinois to run against Barack Obama for the Senate has a gay daughter, Maya. She reports he threw her out of the house and cut off her education funding. He denies that, but has repeatedly called her "a selfish hedonist."
Anti-abortion and anti-gay crusader Randall Terry has a gay son, Jamiel. Terry said his son is "bringing great sadness to our home and embarrassment to our family" and "He is no longer welcome in my home."
Vice President Dick Cheney, by contrast, has been applauded for support of his gay daughter and gay unions, saying: "I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish - any kind of arrangement they wish." He dances past the issue of Federal protection by saying it's up to the states. But it's still quite a show of acceptance from the guy who never appeared uncomfortable with the nickname: Darth Vader.
Still, in that same statement of support, I was struck by his choice of words. "As many of you know," he said, "one of my daughters is gay, and it is something we have been living with for a long time in our family" - much, it seems to me, like you would describe a family member with an autoimmune disease.
Some studies show, however, there can also be trauma on the other side of the socio-political spectrum. In a Details magazine article on parental acceptance of gay kids, Dr. Edgardo Menvielle, who heads the Gender and Sexuality Development Psychosocial Programs at Children's National Medical Center in Washington D.C., reports seeing pre-school age children whose parents worry that their son likes Barbies better than Transformers, or their rough and tumble daughters seem to go beyond tomboy.
He said these parents work very hard to be relaxed about gender issues. "But deep down," he added, "they are not acknowledging what they want, which is their kids to be so called 'normal' members of society."
For those who are fine with the children of friends, neighbors and relatives being gay, things may get complicated when sexuality hits home. No surprise.
The reason parents brag about their kids is because they reflect something the parents value - hard work, strength, athleticism, smarts, beauty, humor. Being gay precludes none of that. But chances are that being gay is also not high on the parental wish list.
Even the lesbian mothers I interviewed in the research for my book, Raising Boys Without Men, said they would not choose for their children to be gay. As one told me: "Life throws enough at you. I would obviously be fine with my son being gay if that is what he is. We still live in a world where being gay has complications you just don't have to deal with when you're straight. It's why we're still fighting for the simple right to marry the person we love."
Things will get even more complicated.
We are at the dawn of an age when we can see, and soon change the genetic components of disease. If you accept that homosexuality is at least partially genetic, and you assume that science will eventually give us the tools to manipulate our make-up in ways that change outcomes, what then? Suppose an in utero splash of some hormonal connection can adjust a fetus to so-called "sexual preference normal?" How many gay and lesbian children will be allowed to develop in the direction nature points them? Take that to an even darker - but possible - conclusion: suppose we see the direction before we have the ability to change it?
Back to my friend who is still working out her feelings, and her husband who can't talk about it because he starts crying. A gay child is natural, acceptable, inevitable and - like all children - beautiful. They will work through their surprise and initial concerns. They love their son. That won't change. Neither will the fact that he is a great kid.
But given the choice, would she have had things turn out some other way? Some day I'd like to ask that question. But not right now.
Follow Dr. Peggy Drexler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpeggydrexler
Yes, it's not surprising that many gay people have internalized homophobia. The "I don't want them to have a hard life" thing is still homophobic. It's blaming homosexuality for homophobia, when it must be the other way around. Homophobes are the problem, not the existence of gay people. This is like the ridiculous idea that eliminating Jews is the best solution for anti-Semitism! If anyone thinks that's absurd, they should think it's equally absurd to say gay people shouldn't exist because of bigots.
"We are at the dawn of an age when we can see, and soon change the genetic components of disease. If you accept that homosexuality is at least partially genetic, and you assume that science will eventually give us the tools to manipulate our make-up in ways that change outcomes, what then?"
Hopefully we can find the genetic factors that predispose people toward homophobia and other forms of prejudice and eliminate those. The bottom line is that homosexuality isn't a disorder. That's a scientific fact. The only problem is prejudice, and homosexuality is not to blame for that any more than black people are to blame for racism. Prejudice is learned and it can be dealt with via education. How many members of the public know that homosexuality isn't a disorder? Not many, even though the science has been around since 1956.
It is a hate crime. If parents are so homophobic and they eventually find out that their child is gay (through normal means), then society should have measures to protect the child from persecution. But, as obscene and illogical as it is to argue that eliminating Jews is the cure for anti-Semitism, it is equally amoral to argue that eliminating homosexuals is the cure for homophobia/heterosexism.
The same thing has been reported for parents who have genetic reasons for deafness. Some deaf activists have even gone so far as to object to cochlear implant medical technology that can restore hearing, calling it a form of genocide against their unique deaf culture.
The government of India recently outlawed pre-natal genetic testing that allowed parents to select for the gender of their offspring.
It's certainly a complicated and sensitive subject. I think all the people clamoring for laws one way or the other should think very carefully about all the ramifications of their efforts. Enlisting government in such intimate and personal decisions about reproduction seems fraught with risk to me. A brave new world indeed.
Giving government authority over such matters may not result in the outcome you want.
That's why individual liberty and limited government is so valuable.
Abortion for this exception will suddenly become a sacrament to the "right to life" crew. Their idea of "right to life" has always been on their terms only.
People use the word "normal", but what they're really talking about is "preferred". It's prejudice, just like saying having white skin is "normal" and having black skin is inferior.
Homosexuality is not a disorder. That's the fact that matters. That's the fact that is at the heart of all discussions of homosexuality. That's a fact that too many people continue to ignore.
Would I have wished for an easier life path for my child? Of course, but I would also have wished for an easier path for the one that is an alcoholic with 4 years sober under his belt. I would have wished for an easier one for the one that had a short-lived marriage that left her unsure of herself & insecure.
All parents wish for an easier life path for their child, but it is life and few walk through it in a charmed fashion and honestly, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want that either.
How sad that some feel a gay child is something to be 'dealt' with, like a catastrophic illness or similar tragedy.
Eventually science may give the capability to alter all sorts of things, like the color of skin, the height and the intelligence of our off-spring. The sexual preferences will be only one factor. Personally, however, I would not prefer to live in a world with no tolerance for diversity. Science has always been well in advance of our moral advancement and merely having a capability to make drastic changes in the species of humankind does not make it an imperative or even desirable.
That is a very interesting question. How will the anti-choice, abortion is an abomination crowd answer it?
Considering homosexualtiy exists in many, if not all other species, perhaps it is an evolutionary benefit.
Do you consciously choose the path of fear or the path of love?
Do you stress our commonality or our differences?
My little brother recently came out to our white Irish Catholic family. His partner is an African American.
I tend to think my heart is at least open to being open. I confess it was a little weird at first. The gay part not the African American part. It is easy to be all open to diversity until faced with it.
I choose that my response is positive and it really is now. Not to say that it didn't take a bit of a gut check though.
Of course, this is assuming that things change enough in the next ten to fifteen years that they don't have to deal with the harassment, outright discrimination, threats of violence, hostility, and lack of relationship support which my lesbian friends have faced.
I won't hold my breath.
Our children are individuals, not accessories or trophies. I imagine the author wanted to tug at our heart strings as she depicted depicted distraught parents in the final paragraph. The only one I felt sorry for was the child.
I'm saddened that you seem to feel that sexual orientation is a choice the way religious, educational and career choices are.
Nice try at making a good point but you really dropped the ball by your comparison of sexual orientation with choices.
A confession on my part is that I use to hope that my son would not be gay ONLY because of such treatments. You add gay to his being a black male..... Jesus help us all! However, if eventually I found out that this is his orientation, I would NEVER reject my son, I love him. He is my flesh and blood that I underwent hours of labor pain to bring this boy into the world :o). Heck NO the boy is my life forever
Hang in there. I too had an extremely difficult time with my White community and their resistance to the black population. Not anymore. My children have all decided to have their children with people of various racial/ethnic backgrounds. I don't have to talk about racism/discrimination anymore. I just walk down the street hand in hand with my grandchildren and people know I believe all people are created equal and beautiful. Now, its my white community that is having an extremely difficult time with our resistance to their bigotry. In one generation the trend has been reversed. Raise your children to love all people and they will. Its the only way to break down all resistance to understanding. People lose their fear of the other with familiarity with the other, whether its race, ethnicity, or sexual preference thats different. In my family now, straight people raise gay people and gay people raise straight people without incident. We have white, black, brown, yellow, and red racial lineages all converging in the next generation. And, that generation lives and plays together so skin color is about as significant as eye/hair color. We talk about light complexion and dark complexion, not skin colors. Skin color is only one description of appearance, not a character/cultural trait that fixes one's value as a person. Persistence furthers.
They could not and still struggle with accepting it today due to their religious beliefs. That lack of acceptance and the inability of me being able to share part of my life with my parents created a distant relationship. I see many friends with partners that have amazing relationships with their parents and familiies and feel a bit of loss in the lack of relationship I have with mine. We talk but not about anything important. I see them maybe once a year but if I am in a relationship, I have to go alone or skip a major holiday with one or the other.
My parents know nothing about my life because if or when I share, I sense the tension immediately. It is just easier to keep them at arms length.
I wish it was different.
I'm not too hopeful that they will change. I'm hoping the film "For the Bible Tells Me So" will have some kind of impact on them.
So MSNichols, I would never presume to tell you what is right for you and your situation because everyone is different but I can tell you that people NEVER respect people that allow them to disrespect them.
What other people thought was far more important to her than anything about me.
A few years later, I helped to facilitate a PFLAG group. I learned so much about the process and what it's like for families, especially parents. The wonderful diversity of people who have gay children serves to strengthen that community. There's little more powerful of a healer than knowing that you're not alone and having a place where your feelings can be heard.
When I was young my folks didn't want me dating interracially. Not because they were afraid of a son-in-law of a different color, but because they feared that our community would always give us trouble.
These days that's not true and parents don't worry so much. I expecting that to be true for gays in the future. I have 6 kids. One gay, one handicapped, a couple stamped out with a cookie cutter and a couple who make strange choices. I'm their mom. I just want them to be happy. Actually, I think they all are.