At the end of a long, fun day at the water park with her dad, 9-year-old Nora decided she wanted to tackle one last slide before going home. It was the "big kid's slide," and she'd avoided it for years. With her father's okay, Nora climbed the stairs, took a deep breath, and hurled herself down the plunging free-fall. Then she ran to the bathroom and threw up.
Her dad, Jeremy, had not pressured Nora into going on the slide, but he'd had no qualms about letting her go. By the park's rules, Nora was more than tall enough for that slide. There were lifeguards. What's more, she was typically a skittish child, often afraid to take risks or try new things. Though Jeremy was surprised by Nora's interest in the slide, he thought it was a step in the right direction. As Nora cried over being sick -- and repeating over and over again she never should have gone on the slide, and how could he have let her do that? -- Jeremy told her that he was proud of her for trying something new, that she learned something important, and that everyone gets sick sometimes.
As parents, of course we want to protect our children -- from danger, from upset, from things not turning out how they hoped. But we also need to realize that it's not just okay, but essential, to let our children make mistakes. Jeremy had been right to let Nora go on the slide: By deciding to try something that was a little beyond her comfort zone, Nora was testing her independence and summoning up her courage -- and growing. The outcome might not have been entirely pleasant, but she was safe. And a week later, she'd all but forgotten the unpleasant aspect of the experience; instead, the memory she shared with others was a gleeful, and unmistakably proud, "I went on Geronimo!"
As parents, our responsibility is to keep kids unharmed. That doesn't mean shielding them from all possibility of defeat. It means letting them fail safely. That's difficult, especially when it results in sadness, anxiety, or regret. But as psychologist Madeline Levine recently wrote in the New York Times, "if you can't stand to see your child unhappy, you are in the wrong business." What's key in Nora's story was that she felt safe enough with Jeremy and with her own abilities to try something new. That's the feeling that must be fostered in order to help our children grow into confident, autonomous adults. Here's how to help your child take risks -- and make mistakes, inevitably -- safely.
Aim to be reliable, but non-interfering. Ask yourself: Can my child handle this situation safely? Most children are not naturally reckless. But they don't have the ability, as you do, to pay attention to details and be aware of all dangers. A child who desires doing so should be allowed to climb a tree -- unless the tree is full of swarming bees and the child is allergic. What's not okay is preventing your child from doing something to save yourself exclusively from your own worry.
Involve him in the decision-making. Explain the differences between two hikes -- this one's harder, this one will be longer -- and then let your child choose. Or pick out his outfits. So what if he goes to school wearing mismatched socks (or worse?) So long as he's decent, and comfortable, he'll learn what works for him -- and what doesn't. An adult friend of mine still vividly remembers that moment in kindergarten when some other kids made fun of the striped knee socks she'd chosen to wear. At first, she was angry at her mother for letting her out of the house "like that," but the eventual decision to continue wearing the socks anyway was one she made on her own, and proudly.
Let her solve her own problems. Too often, either because it's easier or because we hate to see them struggle, we rush in quickly to help our child figure something out, whether it's zipping her own coat or pouring her own glass of juice. Sure, it may take a few (or more) attempts; maybe there will be some spills. But children develop self-confidence when they figure out how to do things on their own. Letting your child try and try again -- and eventually get it right on her own -- teaches her more about herself, and about life, than rushing in to save the day. You can still be her hero, but let her be her own hero, too.
This first appeared on Psychology Today
Follow Dr. Peggy Drexler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpeggydrexler
dr-carol.com
I've heard from a number of parents about letting kids learn the hard way about school, grades, studying, etc. In at least three cases that I can think of, the kids never learned the lesson, dropped out and are just sort of wandering through life now.
If you have a college-bound kid, but he hits a rough patch as most teenagers do, I think the better choice is to help them through it and not let them make mistakes that may derail their plans and have long-term negative consequences. Because the lesson kids many learn is not, "Well, I'll have to try harder next semester." It may be, "Well, I guess I'm just not smart enough to do this work," when, with a little help, they may find soon that they are capable.
When son Billy's beer business had its ribbon cutting ceremony, a friend questioned Carter on whether or not she would attend. She remarked: "I attended Jimmy's inauguration didn't I?"
On the day of Jimmy's inauguration, Carter was asked if she was proud of her son and she asked blandly, Which one?
“If I had one wish for my children, it would be that each of them would reach for goals that have meaning for them as individuals.”
"I know folks all have a tizzy about it, but I like a little bourbon of an evening. It helps me sleep. I don't much care what they say about it.”
You are incapable.
You can not be expected to be able to do "this".
I'll do it for you because you are not bright enough to do it.
Rather than help you do something, I'd rather do it for you because you're not worth my time.
As my brother called me "retarded", "creatin", "imbicile", "village idiot", etc without admonishment, I grew to believe them both.
I will never feel worthy.
Signed,
Over 60 and female
Then I still grew up protecting my mother......and him.....for what?
Biggi
http://www.simplyburgenland.blogspot.com
He would talk to us about making choices and decisions, legal ones of course, and he always said there was no right or wrong choice because even if you chose something that didn't work out, you had learned something from it.
Also, when you do something, (whether you are a child or adult) and you do it well, it builds your self esteem and gives you an honest assessment of your skills and capabilities. As you mature you learn to do the things you love, struggle thru the mundane stuff, and pay someone to do the things you really suck at!
Very good article! I have heard of big companies that have classes for the bosses to help them deal with their employees who have parents who get involved in their work life even tho they are in their late 20s and 30s. The sad thing is that the kids will never have a chance to feel that they are capable of dealing with things on their own. What will happen to these kids when their parents (and we all will) pass away?
Yet, many parents will ignore the common sense and let their princesses and princes by untouched by anything unworthy or dirty.
20 years down the road, the parents will wonder why little Tommy at 28 still runs home to mommy for a band-aid when he has a boo boo.
great job
Children are children, they have no life experiences to teach them about dangers and that is why parents need to give them guidance and structure so they can learn to spread their wings in appropriate situations.
Borrow a toddler for a weekend and get back with us on how never saying NO works. LOL
Oliver Stone did a flick on GW Bush, "W."....in which he shows Bush as a tormented child-man that could never get the attention and approval he wanted. Too bad a nation had to suffer because the simple voter just can't discern a con when they see one. Whether a person has figured out how to manipulate and get his way with parents or voters...people need to recognize these drivers in personality and what is a real ledar or not.
Saying "no" is neither good nor bad. If you treat your child with respect and dignity, you should also be able to tell them 'No' when it is appropriate. Self discipline is one of the greatest gifts you can teach a child.